Glurp I Have Untreated Banditis

What the fuck kind of good idea is it to have three or more grown men trying to work out music? Jesus, what a hassle.

I love what Lennon said when he was talking about the "Get Back" thing- he's talking about The Beatles being grown men and what a stupid and unpleasant idea rehearsal is to grown men.

I say let's meet on stage. Let's have some beers in us before we interact. Let's be really skilled and really focused. I'm not going to say "professional" because if you want to be "professional" just be a really good lawyer or loan processor or doctor or maitre deeee. I mean, come on- music made by "professionals"? Creepy.

Oh, a couple other things- don't beat up on me because I write good songs and I know how they're supposed to sound. If you don't write good songs be grateful someone in the band is talented enough and don't fucking undermine them. If you must, maybe you should play in a nice cover band. There's money in it. Do a gayass McCartney tribute band so no one ever has to put their shit on the table.

Songs aren't a thing that is put there for you to territorially piss on. If it's about that for you, maybe you should instead be gardening, or some other trade wherein there are benefits to territorial pissing.

It's not about you. It's about the song. And no, it's not about me, the songwriter. It's about the song. It's about the motherfucking cocksucking fuckin' song. It's not my goddamn fault I was chosen as its way of getting to Earth. No, there's no fucking guitar solo.

No, I'm not angry because you played a clam onstage. That would be ridiculous. I play many a clam. Sometimes I play the goddamn Oysters Royale. But I never take my eyes off the audience and I never take my ears off the band. We're supposed to react to each other. We're supposed to be greater than the sum of our parts. If we really, really listened to each other we could take the music to amazing places. I'm not angry about the clam. I'm angry because we don't listen to each other and as a result our dynamics are from 7 to 10 instead of from 0 to a fucking million. I'm angry about what could be and never will be because of ego.

Don't you realize there are people here trying to enjoy themselves? It's about them. It's not about your ass. Jesus Christ. This is why people hate live music.

If you are afraid of projecting, of embracing the audience whoEVER they are, don't be ashamed to BACK THE FUCK UP and let Bobby take over. The audience isn't in it for right notes, trust me. They're there to fucking SEE something. Pretend we're a movie. People want to see and hear something unexpected and crazy. People don't go to boring, self-involved movies where you always know what's going to happen and the dynamics are 7-10. I sure's shit wouldn't go.

There are only so many stages on the planet. Either you belong on some of them or you're just plugging the shit up so good people have to wait around. If you don't belong onstage then don't fucking be there.

Oh- if you're a boring person? Odds are good you'll be a boring performer. Here, take this little test:

1. Are you boring?

I have untreated Banditis. I thought it had backed off but it's chronic.

I hate teaching people songs. I'm so oversensitive to "imposing" after years of this shit that I get flustered and I come off impatient. If I have to explain something a couple of times I get nervous that someone's going to think I'm lording it and I get irritated by that and I come off as a dick.

I'm jealous of succesful people who can "cast" a project based on the needs of the repertoire. It's different when there's money and a track record on the table. You can get what you want and what's right for the thing.

Here's how I would cast my band if I was succesful and I could "cast" a project based on the needs of the repertoire:

guitar- me
drums- moi
bass- fucking me
keyboards- my ass.
lead vocals- me
backup vocals- mes

In heaven I'll get my band and it'll all be me and I'll be able to reproduce my recordings PERFECTLY. no arguments, no egos, no nothin'. And for the finale this huge curtain comes up and it's the LSO but it's me on every fucking instrument.

And the audience will be every musician who's ever undermined me to spank their own ego. Oh, it'll be a packed motherfucking house.


Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

>If you don't write good songs be grateful someone in the band is talented enough and don't fucking undermine them. If you must, maybe you should play in a nice cover band.<

Or get a job at one of the majors where they bring YOU in to help fuck-up the bands' songs so they'll get a 2 or a 3 instead of a 4.

>guitar- me
drums- moi
bass- fucking me
keyboards- my ass.
lead vocals- me
backup vocals- mes<

Get a hold of "Chaos and Creation in the Backyard" if you haven't already.

I wish I could play bass in your band. I'd be like Colin. If you wrote a good bass part, I'd play. If there was something I could do to make it better, I would. If not, I'd leave it. If you didn't have a good bass part, I'd offer you a few different ones until you said, "That's it."

Oh well.

Banditis. It sucks.

5:28 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

See, we'd be golden though because we like th' same crap. You wouldn't be like "how can I make it sound more metal?"

Answer: join metal band.

Shit, somebody who likes Colin? Goddamn Chris Squire? They'd be there before me. I'd be like..."yeah, it goes like...uh...uhh....yeah. Like that."

I thought I had lost this post, BTW. Your response made me realize it has found it's way onto th' Orchestra and brings me into a realm of pleasant surprises and flowers and tits.

Nice 'bortion post, BTW. I might pick up th' threadie.

6:24 PM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

Colin is THE most "under-known," under-appreciated bass player in contemporary music. I mention his name in the same breath as Pauly, Squire, and Jaco.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

I can't play an instrument, so can't be in the band - but if the audience counts as part of the band (and I think you believe that it does) then I'm there.

8:28 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

People who can't play instruments are a rare and wonderful thing.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Nobody said...

Hey, I can't play any instruments either! LOL I guess i'll be in the audience along with Kevin.

5:50 AM  
Anonymous the brentmeister general said...

Banditis. *sigh*
Ten years ago I was in a crappy local band doing our own original stuff. The head songwriter - although a good writer - was a massive fucking egotist and insisted on being lead vocalist AND sole guitarist, despite the fact that both he and I (and the rest of the band) knew I was the better guitar player and the whole band and all our audiences knew he could't carry a tune in a plastic bag.
I was "relegated" to bass but got my revenge by being the most melodic and flowery bass player evah - covering up his stupid, roaring major chords and one string "erny"
guitar solos.
Get this - whenever anyone brought a song to the table he refused to sing it saying "because I didn't write the words, I can't identify with the emotions therefore I can't sing it and because I am the only singer in the band we won't do it "
Put me off bands for life, that did.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Brent: That's an ugly story alright. Did no one point out that the really good singers can sing anything and make it count?

6:02 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Ohhh... Brentmeister.

Sounds like a whoppin' dose of banditis.

One of the first symptoms: When everyone isn't doing what they're best at. Or are doing what someone else is better at. Yeah, that's productive. That's how the "Let's Suck" band does it.

Those guys suck.

6:55 PM  
Anonymous the brentmeister general said...

Funnily enough, the singer guy woke up to himself eventually and we signed up a dude who sang like an angel. We rocked for about a year and then split up because the various members went off to university.

3:01 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home