10/11/2005

Let's Clear Up a Couple God Damn Things


Jesus Christ, we're hungerin' for truth in this man's Amerikkka!! It's preciouser than fucking gold!

I'm going to do my part today! Here are some misconceptions that are hidden insidiously in rock song lyrics! That's fucking dark!

1) From XTC's sooperlative 1981 album English Settlement- The otherwise truthful "Snowman" contains this hideous fallacy:

"People will always be tempted to wipe their feet/On anything with Welcome written on it..."

Not so! Not truesky! Mr. Partridge is obviously writing as a childless man at this point!

Let me clear this up: those of us with little bundles under our care know for god damn sure that the smaller denizens will, in fact, not be THE LEAST BIT FUCKING TEMPTED to wipe their feet on anything with Welcome written on it! Quite the contrary! They would sooner wipe their foot bottoms on just about any god damn thing else! Drapes! Dogs! Your psyche!

The truth shall set your ass free! You heard it from the fuckin' 'Foot!!

2) The otherwise brilliant and unassailable George Michael is guilty of this little bit of fiction in 1980-something's horrible "I Want Your Sex"- dig this fiction:

"Sex is healthy/Sex is fun/Sex is best when it's one on one..."

Wooaaaaw! Lies! Lies, lies, lies, yeah!

While I can certainly not speak from personal experience I have it on excellent authority that sex can be even better when it's one on two or even one on three! My handsome friends told me! Sometimes sex is even better when it's one on zero! That I can certainly speak on with no small amount of authority! Jesus!

See how we were FUCKING LIED TO???

3) The final example of how we've been led astray:

Loverboy's fantastic, fantastic hit "Working For The Weekend"! Christ, this shit is coming right from Satan's mouth!

"Everybody's working for the weekend/Everybody wants a little romance..."

Listen to these fucking revisionists!

Are you working for the weekend? Not me, dickeroo! I'm working ON the weekend. I'm working all fucking week! Daytime! Nightime! Sundays! I'm "working every hour that God made" for fucking PEANUTS! Liars! They should have called them LIARBOY!!!

Surrounded! Surrounded by fucking lies!

AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M ANGRY!!!!

WAKE UP! GOD DAMN IT!!!! GOD DAMN IT!! WAKE UP AND TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE BEFORE IT'S TOO GOD DAMN LAAAAAATE!

3 Comments:

Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

All rock music is lies! All music is lies! Lies, I tell you! LIES!!

7:15 PM  
Blogger Nobody said...

To quote Elvis Costello: "Wasn't it a millionare who said Imagine No Possesions?"

But, as someone non-handsome, who's done just about everything under the sun, (and i'll spare you the gory details), I have to honestly say I agree with George Michael on that one.

9:30 PM  
Blogger missy said...

One on zero!

Funny how part of growing up is knowing that everything about sex is a myth. Some things are better done by yourself.

2:48 AM  

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