3/30/2005

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Eleven


Unbelievable as it is, Patti Smith's rich, intoxicating farewell to the '70's was released in, um, 1979. Not only did this have "Dancing Barefoot" (covered wierdly by U2 in '96) and her sneering, punk rock cover of "So You Want To Be A Rock 'N' Roll Star" but it was produced by Todd Rundgren which is really crazy if you're up on this shit.

When I heard this record as a stripling I had to throw out all the party line garbage you're taught about women and who they are. This chick was just utterly scary. She was kind of unattractive but powerfully, consistently dirty. Just down-right filthy. Man, was that hot. I'm sorry- men of today- I forgot you can't appreciate a woman that doesn't have hideous bolt-on Frankentits and a face like a starving kewpie doll. You can't hang with a woman who doesn't exist for the sole purpose of looking good for your fucking sorry ass. You can't deal with a chick who would rather spin brilliant, frightening, apocalyptic songs than pluck her eyebrows. You'd have sex with her and you'd be a wrung-out, pathetic, sweat-soaked dishrag, sobbing in the corner and she'd be like, "What? What do you mean you can't do it anymore? What, are you from 2005 or something?" Riddle me this, Kimosabe- why do they have Viagra now and they didn't in 1979? Because they didn't NEED it in 1979. Because men weren't drinking shit water tainted with Impotron stuck in there by the fucking DRUG companies so everybody will be limp and need their precious shitty chemicals. Not that women are that interested anyway- they all wish they could have 1979 men. Men who didn't skulk in cubicles and drink their own piss so they'd have six pack abs. Men who didn't jack off to palm pilots and NASCAR and shitty, vapid sluts like Pamela Anderson and cruddy shit music like Usher and his assorted faggotry.

But hey, that was 1979. The year of strong, filthy women. Try that Patti Smith shit now the Cundamentalists would have you up in fronna Jeb Bush faster than you can say Pat Robertson. Get your pretty self outta line like that hairy-pitted Patti Smith now you'd lose your Endorsements faster than you can say wardrobe malfunction.

Yeah, right. If Patti Smith came out in 2005 she'd get a record deal. Sure. 2005: The Year Of Patti Smith Coming Out And Not Being Able To Be Arrested Because Everyone's Dead From the Neck Up. The only way Patti Smith could be famous in 2005 is if she lost 10 pounds on the NutraFuck Diet or ate worms on a fucking REALITY show. Or maybe she could do "Pissing In A River" on American Idol. Great! Simon would break down in tears like the pathetic, weasly little shitbag that he is. He just wouldn't be able to handle it. Patti would be up there doing "Piss Factory" and Simon would be wailing and sobbing and Paula would be throwing up on her shitty, crappy couture and that fat asshole whatever his name is that played bass for ultra-pussy band Journey would be trying to hold his head on as it tried to spin around in circles. God, I wish that could happen and then that show would finally end because they'd all be dead from overexposure to REALNESS. They'd melt like the fucking Witch in The Wizard Of Oz because they wouldn't be able to handle the exposure to something as real as Patti Smith and that would be that.

Then the three of them would be all braindead and we could have a national debate for a month about what to do with the feeding tube while we torture people and take away old people's retirement money and spew shit into the atmosphere at an amazing rate or anyone being able to PULL THEIR FUCKING EYES AWAY FROM REALITY CANCER WARD FOR LONG ENOUGH TO FUCKING REALIZE THEY'RE BEING DUPED. DUPED! DUPED BY IDIOTS!!! DUPED BY PEOPLE WHO THINK BABY JEEZIS MADE THE WORLD IN 1874!!!! DUPED BY PEOPLE WHO THINK ASSLEACH SIMPSON DESERVES YOUR TIME AND MONEY!!!! DUPED BY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE AMERICA IS FUCKIN' A NUMBER ONE FUCK YEAH! AND DON'T CHEW FERGIT IT ER ELTSE!!! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE YOU??????? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! JESUS CHRIST! GET OFF THE GRID!!!! GET OFF THE FUCKING GRID BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU AND YOU WAKE UP ONE MORNING WITH A LIMP-ON AND PISS ALL OVER THE SHEETS THINKING THAT DARWIN WAS WRONG!!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK T.V. IS DOING TO YOU? DOING TO YOUR CHILDREN?? IT DOESN'T HAVE TO FUCKING HAPPEN! YOUR BOYCHILDREN DON'T HAVE TO READ ABOUT HOW MEN USED TO HAVE HARD ONS!!!! WITH ALL THE MEDIA YOU'VE FORGOTTEN IT EXISTS TO IMPART A MESSAGE, YOU STUPIDS!!!! IT'S HAPPENING FASTER AND FASTER, EVERY DAY!!! IT'S HAPPENING NOW!!!! IT'S INVASION OF THE FUCKING BODY SNATCHERS TIME!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY PEOPLE, TO MY AMERICA?????? YOU ALL FUCKING SOLD OUT FOR A FUCKING SUV!!! FUCK YOU!!!! WE WERE GOING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN YOU PEOPLE!!!! AND NOW YOU'RE "IN MARKETING". NOW YOU'RE "IN MARKETING". MARKETING WHAT? SHIT? PUS? DRUGS? NOW YOU'RE A SHIT BAG!!! NOW YOU'RE A FUCKING JANITOR MOPPING UP CUM AND SNOT AND PUKE AND JIZZ OFF THE SIDE OF THE INFOTAINTMENT STUPORHIGHWAY!!!!! AND YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT PRETTY GOOD, HUH? GONNA HAVE A L'IL FAMILY??? GET A L'IL FAMILY GOIN'?? HEY, IT'S THE AMUUURICAN DREAM, Y'KNOW? RAISE A COUPLE KIDS AND PLUG THEM INTO THE BIG SHIT MACHINE??? AND TELL EVERYONE HOW DEVOOOOOOOTED YOU ARE TO THE CHILDREN. IT'S AAAAALLLLL ABOUT THE CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN ARE EEEEEEVRYTHING. WE'RE COMPLETELY SUBSUMED IN THE RAISING OF OUR CHILLLLLLDREN. WE DON'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE EXCEPT AS SERVANTS TO THE CHIIIIIIILDREN. WHAT A GREAT WAY TO STOP TRYING. A GREAT WAY TO NOT HAVE TO CARE ANYMORE. GREAT EXCUSE TO STOP BEING CREATIVE OR SENSUAL OR INQUISITIVE OR ANGRY OR ANYTHING. WHAT A GREAT WAY TO FILL THAT HOLE. THAT BIG HOLE IN YOUR STOMACH WHERE ALL THE TEARS GO. THE TEARS THAT CAN'T COME OUT YOUR EYES ANYMORE BECAUSE THE CHILLLLLLDREN WILL SEE AND WE DON'T WANT TO UPSETTTTT THE CHILDDDDDRENNNNN. WHILE YOU FEED THEM SHIT AND READ THEM SHIT AND TEACH THEM SHIT AND PREPARE THEM TO BE CANNON FODDER AND CORPORATEERS FOR THE JEEZIS ALIENS IF THEY'RE REAAAALLLLY LUCKY BUT YOU'RE SO DEVOOOOOOOOTED TO THEM. WE AMERICANS LOVE OUR CHILDREN MOOOOOOOORE THAN THOSE FILTHY FRENCH AND THOSE PUSSY SWEDES AND THOSE LITTLE DARK TSUNAMI PEOPLE THANK GOD FOR THEM THAT WE COULD ALL RUSH TO THEIR AID LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING PETTING ZOO WHILE 1 OUT OF 4 PEOPLE IN FUCKING AFRICA HAS AIDS AND WE CAN MAKE POIGNANT, HEART RENDING MOVIES ABOUT RWANDA AND CASH IN BIG ON THE FACT THAT WE STOOD AROUND WITH OUR THUMBS UP OUR ASSES WHILE A MILLION PEOPLE WERE HACKED TO DEATH. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO??????????? FUCK, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE FUCKING RWANDA WAS. I WAS TOO BUSY WITH MY CAREEEEEER AND MY LOOOOOOVE LIFE. I WAS TRYING TO FUUUURTHER MY CAREEEEER. YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO COME OFF INNOCENT? YA THINK? THE ONLY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ME AND THE AVERAGE NEOCON ARE THAT I ADMIT TO GOING THROUGH AN ABORTION AND I DON'T HAVE A TASTE FOR INFANT FLESH AND ALL MY FAVORITE RECORDS CAME OUT IN 1979 AND NOT 1843.

shame on you. shame on me. shame on all of us for being so stupid and letting the wolves get in at night and eat our families and for letting the pod people into the white house so the Jeezis Aliens can take over and make a world where Patti Smith couldn't DREAM of releasing a fucking record.

You know what I call your culture? I call it a Suck Culture. A SUCK Culture. You guys havin' fun living in the SUCK Culture? How's it going for you all out there what with everything SUCKING and all? What's that you say? The Forecast Calls For Suck? You're going to church on Suckday? A few more grand and you'll be a Suckcess?

1979: The year of Patti Smith's immortal "Wave". A moment of silence please for this work of profound bravery and hard, ugly, hot rockingness.

"Frankentits". That's funny. Have I heard that before or did I coin it? Wait- don't respond. I don't want anyone from the SUCK Culture on my blog. Just stay in your own SUCK blog, and you can write about how great Grockster is and how hard Gwen Stefani rocks on her new advertisement I mean record. Actually- here's the deal- if you know the answer to the secret question you can come on my blog. Here's the question- what year was it that all the GOOD records came out? I'll give you a hint- it sure as Christ ain't this REALITYFUNDAMENTALISTBUSHBOTOXHIPHOPCELLPHONETHE O.C.CRAPPYEVERYTHING year. I'll tell you THAT much right now, ducky. These days a record like this wouldn't get outta the basement. Believe me- I know. I ALMOST sucked enough to be succesful in music. ALMOST. Oh, if I just could have brought myself to suck a little more. I'm allowed to be this angry because I'M DOOMED. FUCKING DOOMED. Like PATTI SMITH. BUT NOT AS COOL AND NOT AS UGLY AND HOT.

And I never got to write "Rock and Roll Nigger".

But hey, it's not like it's 1979 or anything.







 Posted by Hello

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You rock.

12:00 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

This is what blogs were made for.

8:29 PM  
Anonymous mroberts said...

Well, that was a fun rant - you kinda went off the rails there! And the whole list of albums that came out in '79 is quite impressive, but it makes me want to check what year a bunch of other albums came out - I'm thinking '77 was probably damn good, as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to stand up for PJ Harvey. She's the closest thing the present generation has to Patti Smith. She may not be considered the poet that Smith is, but her lyrics are damned good and she totally rocks. She can let herself get nasty and she has an intense sexuality.

9:51 AM  

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