I Am So Very 'Umble.
One of my favorite characters in Dicken's ouvre is David Copperfield's unctuous, handrubbing monster Uriah Heep. This fella is a Victorian study in facetiousness with his constant allusions to how "'umble" he is.
Well, there is but one facet to the 'umbleness with which I now greet every day. You see, this week I had my first blocked, infected sinus and it has changed me forever. Of all the humbling events that have crossed my path in the last five years (and their number is legion) this one beats Realizing I'll Never Amount To Shit and Here's a Nice Root Canal For You.
I'm told that a kidney stone is one of the cruelest tricks Nature plays on us. My illustrious elder brother Neddie Jingo (byneddiejingo.blogspot.com- sorry, I still can't do that linking shit 'cause I'm too 'umble) has experienced this and likens it to the universe taking a deep breath, plugging all your orifices and blowing hydrochloric acid gas up your dink with great fury. Actually, those are my words but so?
I imagine the kidney stone may be the only thing worse than the miserable plague that was visited upon me on Monday. If God exists and doles out karmic payback for sins, then I must have had my way with Baby Jeezis at knifepoint and then buried him alive at the dump. Y'know wh'ahm sayin'? Heinous shit right there, yo.
Once I busted my shoulder and got my head all assed on codiene and wound up rolling on the bathroom floor, puking and screaming and trying to wave away the psychedelic horrors before my eyes as I banged my ruined shoulder against the tiles. That was like floating on clouds and being fed cherry cordials by plump, pink little angels compared to this.
Once I shoved a knife through my finger. That was like getting faced on Patrone and heroin and floating in a warm pool of extra virgin olive oil while being tickled about the perineum by a bevy of giggling Thai sex workers compared to this.
Once I got hepatitis A and my liver swelled up like a bloated, drowned corpse and my eyes turned the color of piss because piss ran through my veins like acid. I could feel it under my skin, flop piss and flopsweat in my veins, biting huge chunks out of the congestion I'd worked so hard to build up and sending them screaming into my heart.
That was like bungee jumping through corn syrup on a Demerol drip compared to this.
I am so very 'umble. So very, very, very 'umble.
Well, there is but one facet to the 'umbleness with which I now greet every day. You see, this week I had my first blocked, infected sinus and it has changed me forever. Of all the humbling events that have crossed my path in the last five years (and their number is legion) this one beats Realizing I'll Never Amount To Shit and Here's a Nice Root Canal For You.
I'm told that a kidney stone is one of the cruelest tricks Nature plays on us. My illustrious elder brother Neddie Jingo (byneddiejingo.blogspot.com- sorry, I still can't do that linking shit 'cause I'm too 'umble) has experienced this and likens it to the universe taking a deep breath, plugging all your orifices and blowing hydrochloric acid gas up your dink with great fury. Actually, those are my words but so?
I imagine the kidney stone may be the only thing worse than the miserable plague that was visited upon me on Monday. If God exists and doles out karmic payback for sins, then I must have had my way with Baby Jeezis at knifepoint and then buried him alive at the dump. Y'know wh'ahm sayin'? Heinous shit right there, yo.
Once I busted my shoulder and got my head all assed on codiene and wound up rolling on the bathroom floor, puking and screaming and trying to wave away the psychedelic horrors before my eyes as I banged my ruined shoulder against the tiles. That was like floating on clouds and being fed cherry cordials by plump, pink little angels compared to this.
Once I shoved a knife through my finger. That was like getting faced on Patrone and heroin and floating in a warm pool of extra virgin olive oil while being tickled about the perineum by a bevy of giggling Thai sex workers compared to this.
Once I got hepatitis A and my liver swelled up like a bloated, drowned corpse and my eyes turned the color of piss because piss ran through my veins like acid. I could feel it under my skin, flop piss and flopsweat in my veins, biting huge chunks out of the congestion I'd worked so hard to build up and sending them screaming into my heart.
That was like bungee jumping through corn syrup on a Demerol drip compared to this.
I am so very 'umble. So very, very, very 'umble.
posted by Bobby Lightfoot at 08:45
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