Deer Baby Crispin Glover

Jeepis! Whattup? Hey- know you're busy, babe- I'll just bullet my pros and cons for this week so you'll know whether to put me in the John Lennon Band or the Karen Carpenter Experience if I die next week.

Pros:

Oh- first off I take back everything I said this week. Christ (sorry) it feels good to get that off my chest. Catholics are all set with the whole Confession deal! It would be funny if the penitence the priest gave them at the end was actually equitable-

"My child, you must say three Hail Marys and remove your left index finger by chewing...."

"My child, you must say six Our Fathers and insert a glass tube in your urethra and break it..."

Tee hee. I see a reality show coming.

Islam could be good too. If you blow up a bunch of innocent people you get to kick it in eternity with 40 virgin horses or whatever it is. But you don't get to meet John Entwistle or Arthur Conan Doyle. You have to hang out with a bunch of people who don't drink. Gack.

If you don't blow a bunch of people up, though, you have to go without the virgin horses and you have to watch the other dudes get to have theirs. Actually, that sounds sort of like life here.

If I possessed a bunch of sort of boring qualities and a desire to be Big Parameceum in This Petri Dish Earth I guess I could be the Other Way. The Way Of The Boring Quality.

What about that erection pill ad where the woman speaks glowingly of a "quality sexual experience". A "quality sexual experience".

I love that. That is so WalMart. I bet if you compared her idea of a "quality sexual experience" to mine they would be a little different. Or maybe not, though. Mine would just involve less tasteful interior design items from Aisle 3 and more inhalants and some numchucks and a Hemi.

That new K-Y cream they have that warms on contact? Um, what do people do with that? Is that flying off the shelves?

How about a K-Y cream that stops your husband from being a fat, dumb, smelly oaf or one that keeps your wife from being an emasculating harridan? That'd move, man. The new K-Y cream that smartens on contact.

You could use that on the beasts of the forest and then they could talk to you.

But they wouldn't because they don't hang with humans. Humans are kind of assholes. In the natural order we're like the teenagers of Spaceship Earth. Have you ever noticed how wild animals all go out of their way to avoid us? It's because they think we're tools.

Wow, that's sort of funny. Now I'll always be thinking that when I'm incredibly lucky enough to be out in gorgeous, pristine, faultless nature and a ferret or a wild ostrich runs away from me. Someone told me those are turkeys. They said no ostriches in New England. Such limited horizons.

In Tibet when you go to heaven you get to invade China and be all badass. You don't have to speak excellent English in those warm, measured tones and sound all wise. You can get drunk and pick fights and rabbit-punch truckers from Idaho in Tibetan Heaven.

Anyway, back to my confession for this week.

PROS:

-I rocked your flock over and over. I mercilessly came at them with dopeass R&B and soul from the 50's and 60's including "Take Me To The River" and plently of good Stax/Volt, the way it ought to be. It's all in the song selection, man.

-Yeah, that's about it. Actually I've been recording a couple of my projects and the drum tracks are the best I've produced. So that's a virtue. And the bass so far is snappy and snarling. I like recording bass when you put on new strings, stretch them for a minute, tune them and start rolling tape. I'm not into that whole ancient-string thing. It sounds awesome on some stuff but I think if you track your bass nice and present and precise you have more options later and you can get grungier with the other instruments because you have the basis. Plus you can reamp the bass track out to a mic'd cabinet on 11 and mix it with your direct signal which is just about the coolest thing you can do.

CONS THIS WEEK:

-Well, this crazy house of a woman took issue with me passing her perfectly legally on Thursday morning and she actually got out of her vehicle to swear at me at a red light. I saw her coming in my rear view and I was like "oh, she's not actually getting out of her car to berate me, is she? How mortifying for everyone."

And sure enough she called me a "stupid ass" and all that. What I chose to do amused me because I reached for my glove box and said, "that's it, you cow. I'm going to plug you right now." "Plug you". Ha ha ha. Where did I get that?

Anyway, she ran away screaming and I feel a little bad about that. Tell you what, Baby Gene Crupus- next time I do "Shot Of Rhythm And Blues" I'll do an extra chorus that rocks extra hard. And I'll insert a glass tube in my urethra. We good?

-I'm sort of sorry about the Alicia Keys thing, if only because in the big scheme it gets a hell of a lot worse than her. But I came clean on that.

-Still ruining a lot of people's days in the professional department but what can you do? Embrace Your Fate, right? BE the idiot.

So, Chimpus- we have got to do some raquetball one of these days.

Amen, Bobby Lightfoot