6/27/2005

A Hill To (Not) Die On.




O.K. listen up and listen good you fucking "legislators" pissin' through our tax dollars with yer flag-burning shit and your god damned ten commandments shit.

I have once unleashed the Shock 'n' Awe of the Bobby Lightfoot Terminal Disease Assassination squad once already, and even though no one had a terminal disease, the world shook that day. And don't think I won't do it again the NEXT MOTHERFUCKING TIME I HEAR SOME PISSAHOLIC POLITICIAN WAXING MASTURBATORY ON WHETHER WE SHOULD HAVE GOD DAMN MONUMENTS TO THE GOD DAMN TEN GOD DAMN COMMANDMENTS OR NOT.

What the fuck ever happened to BEING A FUCKING MAN? MAN THE FUCK UP YOU BALD OLD HABIT-WEARERS. JESUS CHRIST. LEMME QUICKLY THINK OF AN EXAMPLE WHERE SOMEONE HAS DISPLAYED THE TINIEST BIT OF MOTHERFUCKING INTEGRITY IN THE GOVT. OR THE PRESS OR WHATEVER.

Oh, never mind- it was those two journalists who refused to reveal their sources and now they're up for mebbe a year or two in the slammer.

O.K.- wrong tack. I forgot it's 2005 in Amuuuurica. My bad.

What the holy fuck is it with the ten commmandment thing? Oh, my sweet fucking Jeebus. There are SO MANY FUN AND EDUCATIONAL HOBBIES. Christ.

O.K.- Quick breakdown to help you fucking schoolgirls get with the program. Here's the ground rules:

NORMAL SECULAR PEOPLE, HERE IS YOUR LIST OF CHORES:

1. Get the fuck over it. There's nothing wrong with the Ten Commandments. Take it from Lightfoot. Does Lightfoot suffer religious bullshit lightly? I rest on my record. But for fuck's sake take a FUCKING PILL. Just because religion is a sick joke that turns people's brains into pus doesn't mean we have to get all het up about a fucking icon or two. Hey, you can take it.

2. Get the fuck over it. There's this guy I know has a huge, gross wart on his face. Great guy. If I can live with that, then you can live with a fucking ten commandment or two. yes, you can.

3. Get the fuck over it. There's people without Broadband in fucking Malaysia.

RELIGIOUS PEOPLE, BOTH (A) NORMAL, COMMUNITY-ORIENTED TYPES AND (B) YOU CULTO-FREAK-CAT-MOLESTING BORN AGAIN CHRISTENSTEIN FUCKWARTS, HERE IS YOUR LIST OF CHORES:

1. Pick your fucking battles with an eye to discernment. I know it's tough when you only got 8 hours of work, and all this time left over to lord it over others. Stamp collecting is lovely. You might also benefit from an awareness that on the internet there's all these naked people to look at. Make a Tsunami Diorama and fucking pray to it.

2. For members of group (A): Start acting like grownups and set an example for your fucking children. That's what you're all on about, right? (B): Just kill yourselves.

3. Simple: just stop being assholes. Just stop. I guarantee that if you start living with the tiniest sense of equivocation and doubt you might just find THAT EVERYBODY WON'T FUCKING HATE YOU.

O.K.

Group 3: I'm talking to you men out there.

1. Start acting like men for fucks sake. Build some shit or design something good or make some art LIKE A FUCKING MAN. OR HEY, CRAZY IDEA, YOU FUCKING "LEGISLATORS"- LET'S GET SOME HEALTH CARE TO SOME FOLKS LIKE MEN DO IN THE FIRST- AND SECOND- WORLD COUNTRIES OUT THERE.

2. Nobody likes to hear a buncha guys bitching about flag burning and ten commandment shit. Yer all on and on all day about this fucking shit. IT'S COSTING US MONEY. Who are our children supposed to look up to? Jesus Christ, build a bridge. fix a fucking alternator. Write a bad rock opera. Jesus Fucking Christ. Fuck somebody, LIKE MEN DO. AND DO A GOOD JOB FUCK'S SAKE WOMEN THINK WE'RE ASSHOLES!!! ASSHOLES!!!

O.K. THAT'S IT. I HAVE SOME FUCKING LAUNDRY TO FUCKING FINISH. THEN I'M GOING TO GO ROCK. ROCK. LET MEN DO.

AND NEXT TIME LET'S THINK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT HOW WE SPEND OUR GOD DAMN TIME AND THE EXAMPLE WE SET AND WHAT'S WORTH SPENDING MILLIONS ARGUING ABOUT AND WHAT GOD DAMN FUCKING ISN'T.

AND THAT'S WHERE I COME DOWN ON THIS FUCKING SHIT.

Jesus CHRIST.

5 Comments:

Blogger Employee of the Month said...

My weekend:
Spent an hour with T-Mobile trying to determine if the suddenly dead phone was my fault or theirs. Manly? push

Installed outdoor light fixture. Manly? yes

Bought used car for my wife.
Manly? yes

Inspected said used car with my mechanic friend, Albert.
Manly? yes

Replaced swimming pool filter cartridge, gaskets and balanced chemicals.
Manly? yes

Recoated flat roof.
Manly? yes

Forgot to wear gloves during recoat.
Manly? no, stupid

Groceries, cooking, laundry, etc.
Manly? push

4:43 PM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

Addendum

Several female marines get blown up and the press barely mentions it, yet we have 24- hour coverage of the missing Alabama student in Aruba.

Fuck you press.

4:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

here's 'nother one- Amnesty International did a manly job of demonstrating at the White House yesterday- about the Bushie torturing his prisoners. 'bout 100 whole people! Where were the rest of us, for Jeebus' sake??? Where?? Where??

5:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the marching orders. One bad rock opera, coming up.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Employee- yup, not a whole lot o' day planner devoted to USELESS BITCHERY in that agenda.

what's this with the student in Aruba?

anonymous- i was there, man. i was there.

corn dog- maybe one about a utopian society where the leaders have to play pinball good.

THERE CANNOT BE ENOUGH BAD ROCK OPERAS.

5:08 PM  

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