A Small Precis on THE USELESS GOD FUCKING DAMNED MEDIA AND SOME OTHER CRAP

1. What happened to the "You bet your sweet Ass-percream..." ad campaign that Aspercream was doing for about three days? Those ads were fucking hilarious. You bet your sweet Ass-percream. We were in hysterics. When was the last time an ad made you want to do anything but open up with a Uzi?

It was like a pretty little jingle..."you bet your sweet ASSpercream..." Did anyone see those?
Fuckin' FCC musta pulled them faster than fabric over J. Jackson's turkey l'il pittie.

Did anyone see those (the ads, not the other things)?

2. MTV, in a fit of I-don't-know-what, has seen fit to start airing this incredible show about active duty U.S. military personnel. Don't remember the name. It's awesome. Follows soldiers on leave, soldiers facing another tour, soldiers with no more extremities.
Wow. Wait'll Nike hears. They'll pull that shit faster than W makes Cheney pull his finger.

In the meantime, I recommend it. It's the only indication you'll get in this country that we're creating yet another generation of chain-smoking P.T.S.D. suffering veterans. Fucking children. With that look in their eyes. Like they've seen shit you can't even imagine. Oh, my fucking god.

Like I say, fuckin' Monsanto is not going to stand for this shit so you might want to toon in quick to see what's actually happening in the world before whatsisname at Exxon decides to call out a favor on his little assboy GWB and get a legislatin' thingie in to get THIS SEDITIOUS MATERIAL OFF THE AIR.

Where the unholy hell is Jimi Hendrix when you need him?

Here at home we're not exactly Saving Tinfoil and Buyin' War Bonds. We're told to hang the flag out and not stop shoppin' at Deathmart. Oh, my fucking god.

Nothing good will come of this.

3. It's fun, after any major speech from W, like the one at Lejeune yesterday, to scope out the world media and hear their reaction. Everybody, like all those dudes on the BBC World Service, just hate this guy so much. It's awesome. You're listening to a BBC commentator grilling some talking head pundit or theorist and he's practically like "so, is it now a fact the George Bush tears apart and eats his own living human prey?" "do you think it can safely be deduced from this speech that George Bush has set a two-year timeline for the destruction of the Earth?".

Basically, you can never underestimate the damage that hanging out with an asshole does to your reputation. Let that be a lesson to all of us. Let's nip the hanging out with assholes deal in the bud. We should have, like, Dave Grohl for President. All the god damn goat worshippers all over the world would be rubbing their hands ready to descend on us, and then they'd be like, "hey- isn't that the asskicking dude from the Foo Fighters? Isn't that they guy who does "I DON'T OWE YOUANYTHING I DONTOWE YOUANYTHING..."

They'd be like "sweet. he's got Taylor Hawkins on the kit." Taylor Hawkins- here's the deal with Taylor- how cool as a cucumber would you have to be to be a drummer in a band with Dave Grohl? Eh? Say what you will about the flannelfest back there in '92, Dave Grohl is a fucking drummer for The Ages. Everybody knows that. He's the closest thing my gen has to a Keith Moon.

That's a really interesting thought. Pondering what actual great musicians came out of grunge. Here's what I'm getting on first thought-

-that god damn Screaming Trees guy, Mark Linehan.
-fucking Grohl.
-Chamberline, there- the drummer from the Pumpkins.
-um, fuckin' whatsisname from Soundgarden. The drummer. I forget. He's king hell. Matt...Matt...Matt...something. Matt Grohl...no.....
I've heard Melissa Auf Der Mer from Hole play some not-too-shabby bass. Really.
Abruzzese there-Pearl Jam drummer that they sacked right after they got huge.

A lot of drummers, huh? Interesting.

Um, where was I?

Oh, yeah- Fuck The Man.

No, seriously- the fuckin' Fatwah-makin' dudes would be all, "we can't fuck up the U.S. now that Dave Grohl is president!! that guy had Chick Corea sit in with his band at the Grammys and it kind of sucked but it was really brave."

They be all "people would think we're ASSHOLES!"

They be all "man, those guys had that song "Everlong". And that "Floatie" and "For All The Cows". We can't fuck with the U.S. NOW. People will think we're ASSHOLES."

And they'll all get into it and Nirvana will be like the Band Of Allah and there'll be a worldwide grunge retro-explosion and it will severely suck, but man, it'll be a lot better than this shit.

It'll be a lot better than this shit.

Because this shit's not flyin' with the 'Foot. The 'Foot is not in the room on this one.

And that's pretty much where I stand on that crap.


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