All Christers Report To The Launch Pad Immediately For Ejection Into Space

Christers!! Everywhere! Under the god damn sink! In the linen drawer! Hitchhikin' down th' 5 'n' 10 with hands full of .22 rounds and mouths full of Extreme Unction!

It's getting crazier and crazier! Every day! Did you know that when you come to christ (!) your accent changes to Deep South even if you're from Bangor Maine? Try it!

Actually, never mind. Don't try it.

They're stupid! Did you know that when you come to jeezis your I.Q. goes down an average of 30 points? Try it!

Actually, never mind. Don't try it.

Boy, do I hate them Christers! Big time! Hate 'em! And I hate that they make me hate 'em. I'm not comfortable with hating people! With the Christers, though? I guess I'll just deal with it and get my spine aligned more often to deal with th' discomfort.

Christers think your mom's going to hell! Your mom! What kind of a god damn thing is that to think about your mom? People say shit about my mom I usually size 'em up and maybe kick their ass. I had a girl I was datin' turned out to be a christer. It was awful! I developed cracked and damaged skin from washing my hands! Asked her if my mom was going to hell and sure 'nuff she is! Man, was she stupid. The girl, not my mom. Then this crap started showing up in my mailbox and she was actually trying to save me. Oh, my god. I was so, so affronted. So affronted. This chick thought baby jeezis made her out of mud and she's trying to set MY ass straight. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Chick isn't even in my spankoff rolodex anymore, if you get my drift. She's Banished. Banished to wander in the Lost Wilderness of The Never Spanked Off To.

Did I say that!!!

The worst thing now is how they're finding out how the neocons duped them to stay in th' Big House I mean White House and it's sad to watch. It's like watching that guy who bullied you in high school on TV in Eye-rack getting his dick blown off by a roadsider. Jesus. I mean, you're glad in a way but mostly you still feel sorry for the guy.

A Christer wouldn't though! Like, if the guy was gay? They'd be all psyched. They'd do one of their blood rituals that they do with chickens and they'd cackle and speak in voices. Trust me on this shit. Fuckers are like the Blair God Damn Witch but they can't figure out how to make th' little stick guys. Man, do Christers hate th' Gay. It is downright wierd. Wierds me out. It's like that Cognitive Dissonance crap with those Christers hating just about everybody walkin' the fucking planet. Hate, hate, hate. It's like a fucking mantra with these god damn Christers. I HATE 'em! Talk about Cognitive Dissonance!

Oh, and you know what else? NEVER DO BUSINESS WITH A CHRISTER!!! Go to a "christian business" and get a quote on that brake job, diggity. Then go to a normal non-speaking-in-tongues garage where they don't remove the still-beating hearts from little children for Jeezis' glory. Guarantee those Christers will gauge the SHIT out of you. I GUARANTEE it. Fuckers'll rip you blind faster'n you can say Pat Robertson, motherfucker.

These god damn CHRISTERS!! They are the BIGGEST, STUPIDEST HYPOCRITES ON TH' SURFACE OF THE PLANET!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! Take it up with them, man. Take it up with them.

See, that th' thing- people always gettin' itchy because I'm delivering the news on this crap. It's NOT MY FAULT! TAKE IT TO THE SOURCE, PEOPLE.

The CHRISTERS! And these god damn American ones! Ouch! They're so profoundly fucking ignorant! They're th' worst! Fat, ignorant CHRISTERS! In the boot of yer car! Under the bed when you do it non-missionary! Under there tisking away.

Hey! Is Chris Cooper set to play Tom Delay in the biopic or WHAT?? Jesus!

Oh, hey, and you Christers? When th' Pope edited the Bible in 1093 to make it so WalMart would carry it?

He took out the whole Book Of Tasteful Interiors by Rudy, The Gay Disciple. Rudy was th' Thirteenth Disciple and he was queerer than a football bat, you assholes. And he was like Jesus' favorite because he fuckin' ALWAYS made sure that their robes matched. The Book Of Tasteful Interiors was discovered among the Dead Sea Scrolls and them fuckin' spooks what found it hid that shit real good but it surfaced later, man. Always does. Always does.

The whole thing about th' Holy Grail? That's the search for th' sepulcre of the Sacred Homosexual. How ya like THEM apples, Christers?? Let me put this in a simple way that all can comprehend:

JESUS LOVES GAYS. Fuckin' LOVES 'em. They raise property values, they keep clean yards, they don't spend a trillion in tax money so they can get pregnant even though their ovaries are like wrapped around their gall bladder or some shit like these freaks here now. In fact, if I may, I'd like to quote from 11:71 from th' Book Of Tasteful Interiors:

And Jesus said, "suffer them to come unto me, the poor and the weak and the Christers, that I may anoint them in fine oils and philters and thus take the sickness of homophobia from them. For yea it is to me as a Louis XIV chair amongst Danish Modern. It is to me is as a yellow dishcloth in a fuscia-painted kitchen.
And if thee wisheth for a world without Oscar Wilde and without Leonardo and Michelangelo and Quentin Crisp and Freddy Mercury then be it so; thou shalt dwell in a humorless place, a place of drywalling and footballing. If thou wishest to banish from thy hearth Michael Stipe and Cole Porter and Morrisey and all the fags that are beautiful to me for they are My Father's creation, then have it so, but know thee shall dwell in a place of darkness and hideous mismatched clothing."

Did I say that!!!

So anyway, yeah. Um, Christers- knock it the fuck off. You have to seriously knock it off. Dude, it's just not cool. It's like, hating gays is somewhat akin to hating the color blue. You're just going to figure out how to deal, you know? I mean, you see the color blue going away anytime soon?

I mean, your buttboy Jesus made it, right?

And how DARE you laugh at ME when I reveal a deep and abiding faith in Santa Claus??? Fucking cocks! Don't you see how wrong that is?? Is it any more ridiculous to believe in a benevolent, independently wealthy guy with flying reindeer than to believe in a god that CREATES THINGS AND THEN HATES THEM????

CREATES THINGS AND THEN HATES THEM. That is not viable behavior for th' Omniscient, right? I mean, if you're Baby Sheepus you already know what you're going to make before you make it! Why would Death Cab For Cutie record a Rap Metal album???? Why would the Ramones record a crunk rekkid, yo? If they was omniscient?

Know that I will fight you. And when I learn of your predilection I will act gay around you and act like I'm into you. Just to piss you off.

But then when you get all bitchy about it?

I'll give you a karate chop right in th' ass. HAI-YAH.

Did I say that!!!


Blogger fgfdsg said...

Awww, shucks. Thanks man.

Incidentally, my church used to make us kids pray in front of lifesized crucifix, so I spent my formative years on my knees in front of an image half-naked man and being heavily reinforced that this is *what you should do*.

Way to go, god-botherers!

4:07 AM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Right with ya Bobby. Well, not right. Let's think of another word...

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spankoff Rolodex

Can I use this as the title for my first album?

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One more thing, Bobby. Through an update in computer technology, I've finally been able to listening to your songs and they are fucking beautiful! Thank you for writing such amazing songs. I'm hoping to be able and come up to Arlington to see you guys next week.

Once upon a time, you asked about my songs. I've finally got a few things up over here.

11:15 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

You did say that!!!

Vintage Lightfoot man.

1:12 PM  
Blogger teh l4m3 said...

i heard jesus cured freddy mercury of teh aids and that he did not die but was taken up to heaven in a UFO driven by madam and weyland flowers and i know this is true because reverend swaggart said so when i was drinking his manmilk okay bye 4 now. - jessica hahn.

3:41 PM  
Blogger mdhatter said...

i noticed a best western behind the "evangel temple"

suppose they're connected?

11:42 PM  

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