The Most Useless Thing In The World Right Now: Shakira!!!

Shakira! You suckira! Fuck off-ira!!

Like salt in a wound you remind me that I inhabit a world where air-humping makes fortunes!! Millions!!

You hump and hump and hump!! I saw the first minute of your new video before I could wrestle the remote from the hands of babes and throw it out the window-ira!! All you did was hump!

I have nothing against humping, except for humping against nothing if I may wax palendromic.

Do it against someone in private!!!! Then take yer 20 and get out!

You are the anti-Patti Smith. You make Hilary Duff look like Nico. You make Avril Lavigne look like Nina Simone. You make Vesicle Simpson look like Maryanne Faithful. You make that other skank look like some smart and strong woman from a bygone era who humps like an avenging angel, like a blood-drunk cheetah BEHIND CLOSED DOORS WITHOUT DOLLAR SIGNS IN HER EYES.

Michael Jackson does that shit too but he was awesome for like 8 years and he at least brings sexual pleasure to chldren-ira!!!!

Let me say this in your native tongue so there's no confusionira!!

Tu eres una puta de lo mas puta!!

La jaqueca que me das no terminara nunca jamas!!

Si te doy cien pesos me chuparas la verga???

After all, your new record is called "Oral Fixation". Were you fucking molested for years or WHAT? What is your fucking problem?? Are you the Sex Pistols of intimacy? Are you on a mission to destroy sex? I watch you and I didn't think my thing could get that small and wizened. Jesus. They should use you for Chemical Castration. I'd rather shack up with oh, I can't think of ANYONE hideous enough. Lincoln's wife there. 10 years after burial. Fuckin LINCOLN. AFTER the play.

If I get a thousand people to say in writing that your ass is O.K. will your infinite, elephantine ego be satisfied? I've seen that work before. Will you go back to rockin' the pole at that titty bar in Jalisco where Clive Davis found you when he was down lookin' for a donkey show?

Fuck you, Shakira!! You suck. If you and Dribbleya stood before me and I had a shotgun with only one shell it is YOU I would terminate with extreme prejudice. Dribbleya has to go eventually unless the freaks come up with a way to have Term 3. You? You could hump and hump and hump away forever.

Sal The Feist humps better than you and she's cuter. She has a springier hump, a more funloving hump. Yours is sort of reanimated-corpse-like. You are fucking creepy and you need humping lessons from a dog. A dog.

I'm not immmune to T&A manipulation but watching you flail away at the air does NOTHING for me. Swear to god I'd rather bang Don Van Vliet. I'd rather push back against some old smelly guy with a corkscrew boner in the subway. that's funny- by using the modifier "corkscrew" I make it seem as if pushing back against some old smelly guy with a normal, healthy member wouldn't be as bad somehow. That's a little offputting.

Amyway, Shakira-ira- You're like a crazed mannequin that will reanimate only when it smells CASH and then your u-joints get some torque and yer humpin', humpin' humpin' like some sick George Romero corpse on tweek. One seeks the OFF button in the panel above your ass that used to be nice on women but is now a canvas for shitty tattoo artists with stupid facial hair and shaved heads.

Hey- "BTW"- next time you see a tattoo parlor go in and ask if they have any bongs. I LOVE doing that. They get SO pissed that you would connect them with any illicit commerce. Yeah, they're so legit. I LOVE doing that. They're like "why would you assume we'd have bongs?", all righteous. Um, because you DWELL IN THE UNDERWORLD OF CHEESE, GENTLEMEN. THE UNDERWORLD OF CHEESY CHEESE where you MARK UP DUMB SORORITY GIRLS and make a mockery of God's creation where asscrack meets lower back perhaps the single GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IN THE HERSTORY OF INTELLIGIBLE DESIGN. Now BUST OUT THE BONG COLLECTION AND SOME OF THOSE GLASS DICK THINGIES FOR HORKING DOWN METH. Mmmm. Meth. gLUb. Boy THAT'S a good time. Some meth and some wax and a blowtorch and some porno. We're stayin' in TONIGHT punkin. The bathroom needs to be regrouted while I dictate a ROCK OPERA and stuff.

Yeah, Shakira has one of those god damn tattoos. Of course. Those huge god damn tattoos right above th' ass? Disgusting. My ardor is dampened with thoughts of sailors. Die, Shakira! Muere te pronto!! Plane crash, car crash, hip cancer from too much Humping For Dollars, I don't give a fuck. Kisses. Lightfoot. Outtie.

Twat.