The Man Made Flesh #1 Of A Series: Matt McCoy.

Yeah, I know this is a picture of that skidmark Ohio prick who needs to be bled and made into Baco-Bits. He just looks like such a craven, greedy asshole that I'm sure Matt McCoy looks like him.

Who is Matt McCoy, you ask? Well, he's the first contender for my new Lightfoot Series, "The Man Made Flesh".

'kay- backstory. Back when I was days from international stardom in 00-01 I maxed out my Chevron card and my Visa for the sake of my band. It's like the generic indie movie story, where th' guys mortgage their houses to complete their vision and chuckle about it at Cannes and Sundance. That's like what I did but without the Cannes and Sundance.

So I wound up with a grand on my Chevron and a couple G's on th' Visa which are of course doubled now. It was default-o-licious.

You know me- just how much of a FUCK do you think I GIVE about my CREDIT RATING???? huh? y'THINK I'm all WORKED UP about that CRAP? Y'think perchance I'm in the market for a McMansion or a LATE MODEL FUCKING VEHICLE? huh?

No, people. No. I'm Bobby FUCKING LIGHTFOOT. And I live like a KING off your CASTOFFS. Cars with less than One Large on th' odometer make me REALLY NERVOUS. And don't think I'm judging you because you got a nice car. Drive what you god damn want. Just don't fuckin' judge ME because I REFUSE to play that fucking American Dream Con Game. I'M NOT FUCKING HAVING IT. Yeah, it's lonely. So is BEING A FUCKING READER. So is liking fucking SCHUBERT AND THE SEX PISTOLS. I'll be O.K. I have less than zero respect for this culture, and the farther I can be from it ideologically the better. I think it's a sick, shortsighted, unsustainable FUCKING JOKE. It's like a HUGE FAT FUCK IN SPEEDOS who th-th-thinks he LOOKS HOT.

So maybe I'm not much of a "CATCH", y'know? Not a real big "CATCH". I can hang with that if you can. My "portfolio" is a little "thin".

So anyway. Matt McCoy. yeah. So, I've been paying off (or trying to) my god damn cards and it's a fucking hassle. The first few times I tried to give them money they wanted my BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER. Fuck you. I'm keeping BOTH my god damn dollars. DAD-FUCKIN'-GUM IT. Them blame fools.

So I gave up by the time Matt McCoy, Collections Anus came along. Matt's like an A&R guy. Matt's like the modern version of an A&R guy. He's totally "professional" but he's "on the same page", you know? He's not a p-putrid (I swear I'll stop that now) rotten gonad quite so much as a "financial advisor" and his "advice" is "give me more dad-gum money for my large Macarse." He's like, "you should get this paid off, mannn. Your credit's not that bad, mannnn.....Get this shit paid off and then you can HAVE A FUCKING ESPLANADE. YOU CAN GET YER FUCKING LEXUS SUV and then you'll BE HAPPY, Mr. Lightfoot", happy like US". AND THEN WHEN YOU GET THIS THEN YOU GET THAT. THEN YOU GET THAT. THAT COMES WITH THIS. THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU HAVE THAT. THIS IS THE CURE TO THE DISEASE THAT THAT CAUSES.


hOW ABOUT that, huh?

Do I or do I not deserve a small hand of applause for just here and there digging The Truth out? Just getting down in the filth and shivelling a little? For you? For all of us? Except for the pixie american idol kid? He's out. On Planet Lightfoot that little snail smear is on the 12:05 express to executionland. Or maybe we just do him here in the office at Pentagram Records. Either way the little cunt has to go. He's built from a different molecule entirely, that little fish face. My god.

I sometimes think part of my problem results from a childhood of having beggars with no hands come to the door. Maybe that's part of my "problem". My little "weirdness". Like, if you get a meal and a shower and a roof of sorts YOU ARE FUCKING GOLDEN, SUNNY JIM. JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!


Aaanyway- Matt McCoy- The Man Made Flesh #1.

So, I actually started paying this shit off. It's like, I don't know, 3 grand? I don't fucking care, you know? Throw it on the god damn stack and line up, you know? Mea Maxima Motherfucking Culpa for trying to make a living in an area where I have some ability. I just thought that's what you do, eh? Sorry. I'm hip now. I know the cash is in mediocrity. I learneded it up for you sir. I just want to be straight with The Man, you know? I wasn't raised to be in debt. No point in that. So we worked it out so's what I'd give this fucker a hundred at the end of every month, you know? That way, I see this shit being off the books in 2008, you know? Took me a lot longer than that to pay off my student loans, you know? And those were worth every dorm room sexcapade, you know? Best Years Of Your Life, man. I learned ALL this shit. Allll this crap that no one wants to hear.

Problem with Matt McCoy- he's a fucking liar and he's a greedy fucking bitch. 100 a month just isn't good enough. He has to tell me these stupid lies about how my "creditor" is going to "audit" me and "garnish" my shit. First of all, that's a fucking lie. They're not the fucking IRS. They can smoke my freakin' pole, not to put too fine a point on it. Fucking republicans. Jesus fucking Christ.

So he wanted me to get a bank loan to pay off the 3-odd G's, which, if I act now, they'll probably settle for 1,400. Lies, lies, lies. This is the Time And The Place of Lies. People make fortunes off Lies.

Lying- the Great American Pastime.

He just wants his fucking scratch NOW so he can get the new "pleasure attachment" and "GPS" installed in HIS fucking Esplanade. With th' Sirius so he can listen to the same crap that's on th' radio anyway. Greedy, lying, stupid, ignorant, illiterate bitch.

So, the deal we had was I'd call at the top of each month and do a check over th' phone. And I was religious about it. BUT IT JUST ISN'T ENOUGH FOR THE GREEDY LITTLE LEECH. MATT FUCKING MCCOY. So now he has to bug me every month about th' bank loan that i'm NOT going to get, or this way to save 20 cents or that way to pay a dollar less on this debt. I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE, SHIT STAIN. It's 9 A.M. ON FUCKING SUNDAY AND I TROD THE BOARDS FOR 5 HOURS LAST NIGHT FUCK FACE.

So every time he does that I just dock him a month. I tell him, "sorry, no hundred bucks this month Matt."

Drives him up a tree. All the threats about my credit rating. All that.

What a mistake for him to assume I give the minisculest of shits. What a fucking idiot.

Matt McCoy- The Man Made Flesh.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Lightfoot -- Will you marry me?

6:52 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Can't you see it?

Mrs. Anonymous Lightfoot.

Wasn't there a painter named that?

Seriously, Jim- I thought you promised to not comment on my blig.

9:48 PM  
Blogger XTCfan said...

Bobby, I think Anonymous is Matt McCoy, thinking that marriage -- you do live in Massachusetts, after all -- will be the quick-n-easy way to your cash.

5:46 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

XTC Fan-

Excellent hypothesis. He's already seen m' credit report, though.

Once you've seen that Lightfoot credit score, man, the feets get cold. Mighty cold.

I happen to think it's Eva Longoria.

8:04 PM  

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