Man, I was drivin' th' other day and enjoying seven or eight delicious tangerines! Phuck are those good! And you can eat all you want! Unlike all that other stuff that turns your guts into wretched, bilious slime. Turns you into a little fuckin' gasbag consoomer. Taking up room and breathing valuable air.

And i was thinkin' about how I've had a life of fruit-eating and I was thinking of the many rituals involved. Y'know, everybody eats froots in their own specific way. Those tangemarines? With me? It's- peel 'em off circularly in one piece. Section into halves so you can pull th' white stringy shit outta the middle. Out the window with that biodegrable white crap! Not th' peel, though. It has STPs on it. Then, section by section we pop 'em in and break th' skin with th' lower front teeth. Fuck, fuck, fuck are tangerines GOOD.

And you can eat all you want! What else is there like that?

how do you eat tangerines!

It's so fucking fascinating- it's like orthinology. All th' ways of eating those froots.

Here's how I eat some other froots:


Grapes are great! I like to string 'em onto a string like a necklace and then I eat them in reverse, if you get m'meaning. woah! And then pop 'em out one by one! Woo-ha. So chilly and loving.

APPLES! Oh, ho ho! How do you eat apples? Man, what I do is cut a hole in th' side and piss into it just a little.

And let it cure. Maybe I'll have it then! Maybe the plug goes back in and it goes back in th' fruitbowl!

Ghandi got NOTHING on that shit. And don't fucking judge me, pelon. Tell me you've never pissed in a apple and ate it. Shit knocks out heartburn like that.

Woah! What's the next bust in th' froot eating pantheom, damas y caballentes?


Hey, enjoy the little fuckers. You know? You know? We gave India nukes and Tallulah Bankhead in exchange for 'em. And our future.

Whatcha do with your mangoes? Any tips?

Here's what I do: I put one under each armpit and do a three-mile run. Then I rub them up and down my ass-crack and over my tanned, athletic perineum and THEN ONLY THEN do I section them with a rusty knife and shove them in my piehole. Ohh, they're heathly that way. Sometimes the smaller ones you can actually get a way enough up your nose for a little brining. Li'l of the ol' brining.

TOP that SHIT.

And yes, what is it that we do with the Humble Plantain, good sirs? Do we peel it and halve it and toast it and serve it with th' butter of the Humble Peanut? No, sirs. We do not. Do we place it fallaciouisly perchance at the creamy and cherry-festooned summit of a percipitious ice cream mountain? No, indeed. No, no, no. Not in these quarters, sirrah.

An insidgion is made in th' stem of the banaina and a steel ring passed through, attached to a small string that has been soaked in glue and rolled in crushed glass.

Banaina is then swallowed whole with the string held at th' mouth and allowed to pass through the upper descriptive system. At the juncture of the Colon to the upper archipelago an incision is made in th' mid-abdomen that permits the babana to be drawn through and out of the chesty clavity. Bleeding should be quickly staunced with burning poker or solution of lye and styptic. Removing the babnaina so that only the string remains, this is then moved back and forth using the withdrawn string and the string issuing from the mouth in a flossing motion.

Froots! EVeryone loves froot. D-DO YOU L-L-LIKE F-FROOT.

Man, that's some funny shit. I deserve happiness. Ha ha ha.


Anonymous cleek said...

i'll never look at grapes the same way again.

11:03 AM  
Anonymous roxtar said...

Man, that's some funny shit. I deserve happiness.

Yes it is, and yes you do.

12:44 PM  
Blogger teh l4m3 said...

Funny. I do the same thing with tangerines, oranges, and grapefruits.

I've always wondered, though, how all my future-hooker classmates did that thing where they peeled grapes and tied cherry stems in knots in their mouths...

7:27 PM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

Hey Bobby - what happened to your email addy? I sent you something today and it bounced back.

"Why are you two guys laughing?!"

"Because the other guy picked watermelons!"

8:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dood, thou has clearly finally smokethed too much weed

11:04 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

ha ha!

How else to make so delicious the froot.

11:17 PM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

To quote the buffet host(ess) in Eddie Muphy's "Beverly Hills Cop"

"Go ahead, you take the fruit."

Hi- lari-ous!

10:16 AM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

What a delicious froot cocktail of a post!

(Insert joke - or whatever - here.)

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It took me a couple of times to get all the way through this one, because my eyes kept filling up with tears and I couldn't get my breath and I had an epic case of perma-grin.

That's some funny shit, man.

So then being a first time visitor to the Orchestra of Sweet Regret I went skinnydippin' in the archives. You have a gift.

I don't know if your blogging makes your day any brighter, but it makes mine so, even when you're writing about sadness and despair, because it helps to know that someone can describe these things that we all feel but most of us can't put into words.

I know writin' ain't the same as rockin' and you're wrestling with The Knowing, but if you ever decide to collect any of this or stuff still unwritten for publication, I'll buy copies for all of my friends and get downright obnoxious talking you up to people on the bus.

Keep 'em coming.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

cleeeek- sorry, man.

roxtar- love th' puppies, man. More puppies, less of everything else. that completes m'order.

teh- dude I had a date once in Los Angeles. yeah, I should've known better. Had a few. How...how underwhelming.

So. yeah, that's not the story. What happened was, she did that fucking cherry stem knot thing. I was appalled.

So when she went to powder her nose I took her abomination and sat on it. When she came back I took a cherry stem and sat on it as well, moved m'ass around the barstool a bit and produced the knotted one.

I was by far the most amused party. Studies need to be conducted to ascertain the destructive effects of silicone on th' sense of humor.

viscomet- hmmmm. Y'know, maybe I had a couple mp3s undownloaded or something. I cleaned 'er up. Try me back.

I'm not even going to say what I do with waddymelons.

employee, kevin- you guys are just saying that so I won't hang myself.

Dear Senor Doctor Vector;

Thanks a boatload for your kind words. I am a classy, classy author for sure but it's always nice to have my opinion of myself confirmed by people who do dissertations and shit. Instead of that drunk bitch who drools from the front row and tries to hit me because I tell her "anyone who requests a song that bad needs to be ejected from the premises and may return at a later date to collect their teeth."

And it's true- we all feel th' despair. Nowadays it's Just Not Done because it doesn't help to sell Durable Goods.

You know what shreds? Paleontology SHREDS.

Have you heard of that new Paleoncology? They're making strides daily in th' curing of ancient cancers. Woah!

3:27 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

My first attempt to post this anecdote, like the protagonist itself, was cruelly vanished by mechanisms beyond my control or understanding. By I will try once again.

A couple of weeks ago, without paying any attention, I peeled an orange into a single peel in the shape of a perfect f-hole (unfurrow your brow; that's the sound hole of a viol). I clipped it up on the art wall (my only contribution, in a family full of artists).

A week later, it was gone. My wife claims that it had begun to look `more like garbage than art'.

I'm hoping that wasn't my last gasp, artistically, but you never know.

10:22 AM  
Blogger Ronzoni Rigatoni said...

AhA! Mangoes. They are supposed to be as allergenic as poison ivy to some. Why, I remember a busty blond gal telling me that she had such an itch in her nether region that she consulted her shaman. The gentleman opined that the itch/rash was the result of contact with a mango. How could this be? She claimed not to be a pervert.

Turns out her boyfriend was partaking of copious amounts of the fruit prior to their last date.

Some people will eat anything (and everything).

Very true story.

9:50 PM  
Blogger bobby lightfoot said...

That explains m'forehead rash.

4:48 PM  

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