Are You As Cool As Andy Summers?

Look at this guy. Are you cooler than Andy Summers? I'm not cooler than Andy Summers. I have my days. Or I used to. I bet you're not cooler than Andy Summers. I've got ten bucks says Andy Summers is cooler than you.

How the dickens could Andy Summers be so cool? It's almost unfair. When I was an up-and-coming pop singer for about 5 minutes our label wanted us to have a famous guest artist on our next single; some name recognition to grab the eye. See, this was a hip hop label and that's how you sell hip hop records. Thats' why it's always Fruity B with Master Z and B-Lite featuring Li'l Wang. I love it; they assume the same marketing strategy will work for a white rock band.

So they ask me and I'm of course, like, "yeah, Andy Partridge from XTC. Definitely. You want to move some units Andy's the man." And they're all "who"? Not alot of Deep House in the XTC canon. So, since P-Diddy had had that hit for Biggie Smalls where he ripped off "Every Breath You Take" I of course said, "well, how about the guy from The Police?" Of course they thought I meant Scwhing. Spling. Oh, what was it that the Police's manager called Sting in the beginning...I think it might have been "Dink" or something. Gotta dig out that tome.

No, I meant ANDY GOD DAMN SUMMERS. The man who makes a guitar sound like an orchestra of harps. THAT Andy Summers. The Andy Summers that's like the Methuselah of rock. Andy Summers is Paul McCartney's age. Exactly. This guy was a contemporary of the Stones and Clapton and he knew all those guys. Andy Summers was in the prog band in the 60's called Dantalion's Chariot. Huh? Kidyounot. They recorded for some major in England. Andy was in like 600 bands that recorded failed albums for major labels. Andy was in the new Animals when they reformed. And was in the Zoot Money Big Roll Band. You see him? He's right in the front. Were you in that? I wasn't. I wasn't even in the Little River Band. I was in the Next-To-No-Money Band. I was in the Costs 500 A Day To Keep It On The Road Band But Don't Worry We'll Recoup It Out Of Your CD Sales Band.

Andy was Mike Oldfield's guitarist on the "Tubular Bells" tour. Andy used to play with Gong and all those German proggers. Andy toured with Kevin Coyne and was under retainer with Kevin Ayers when he quit to join the Police. So, Andy was like 38 before the Police even dented the charts anywhere. I love that. Guy was 41 or 42 when they were playing Shea Stadium and getting Song Of The Millenium awards. Truly a vampire who stretches back through the ages. He probably made tea for Beethoven.

Are you as cool as Andy Summers? Did you make two albums with Robert Fripp in the mid-eighties that sounded like a galaxy having a conversation with a rip in the time/space continuum? Not me! I haven't made any albums like that with OR without Robert Fripp. How about you? You made any albums like that? Anybody out there rip off a record or two with Robert Fripp between stadium tours and playing guitar that sounds like an orchestra of harps and not actually being all that amazing technically? I mean, I can certainly pull off the not being all that amazing technically.

Who is as cool as Andy Summers? Are you as cool as Andy Summers?

Epilogue: I'm not even going to waste your time by telling you who the label wanted to have be the guest on our record. And I think it's safe to say by now that I'm not one who's afraid of monopolizing anyone's time.

We never even rerecorded the single, THANK FUCKING GOD. Sometimes it is a blessing beyond compare that Nothing Ever Really Happens.

Except things like Andy Summers being cooler than you and me.

Andy Summers- making-guitar-sound-like-an-orchestra-of-harps Mick-Jagger-Knowing cool musicianPope.

Oh, wait- this wasn't one of those Pope ones. Never mind.