Rufus Wainwright- Supergay Musical GeniusPope

A-ight, here's my last nomination for new Pope. I know Rufus has made a few appearances in my blog already so this should come as no surprise. I just had no idea homos could rock this hard. Tell ya, I'm really glad I'm straight 'cause if I fancied the Hairier Sex I'd be majorly lovesick.

Anyhow, on Rufus' new "Want Two" album, he has a song called "Gay Messiah" which is quite funny ("...He will fall from the stars/Studio 54/And appear on the sand/Of Fire Island's shore..." so he's already got a theme song if he won a round of Spin The Pope. Also, "Want Two" starts with the Agnus Dei set to music. See? The guy's practically Joan of Arc already. And as adept at swordplay.

Maybe if Rufus was Pope we'd get this national obsession out of our minds already. The Queer Eye/VH1 bitch queen thing has worn quite thin for this ol' breeder. Enough, already. If I have to hear that butt pirate blond guy on Queer Eye make another double entendre about fancying organ I'm gonna throw a rod. WE GET IT ALREADY. I wish I could make a zillion dollars with my whole STRAIGHT thing. No one wants to hear about it.

In America, acceptance ALWAYS awaits the Profitable. This is like the civil rights movement of the new millenium. If you are bankable it really doesn't matter if you come from flippin' JUPITER, you're IN.

And we're so proud of our tolerance. How about equal rights for us UNCOMMERCIAL people? People like me who are quietly talented and can't catch a break because our backstory doesn't involve tongueing manass???

Tongueing Manass. A forgotten battle of the Civil War? A pretender to the Korean throne? A forgotten Tibetan philosopher?

We used to have this game back in th' five-minutes-from-fame days. Here's the deal: You can be a huge musical success but one of two things has to happen: you have to either a)go down on David Geffen and no one ever has to know or b) you don't have to go down on him but the whole world has to think you did. Ladies, substitute, oh, I dunno..., um, Phyllis Diller.

Which would it be?

It would be boring playing that game with Rufus, huh? He'd be all, "what do I get if I go down on YOU right NOW, sweet cheeks?" There'd be no tension. Or at least, it would be a different kind of tension.

I keep coming back to two preoccupations, don't I? Jesus and Gays. Hey, there's a band name- "Jesus And The Gays". Seriously. That would be awesome. Anyway, what could it mean? I honestly think it's becuause they're the extremes of each side in the New Civil War. I swear I don't like guys, I mean, I'm quite clear on that by this age. My rule is no sleeping with anything whose ass you can braid.

Maybe I'm tired of them on T.V. and shit and I'm trying to put them to bed by doing to them what the Sex Pistols tried to do to rock 'n' roll. I know I'm tired to death of Jeebus fer one thing. Just exhausted. Everywhere my America seems to be evaporating into the mysts of memorie there he is, all his words in red and shit. He's like a benevolent priest at a funeral. Except he killed the person being buried. Everywhere I fucking turn people are being turned on to The Word. Yeah, "stupid". "Have you heard the word?" "Yeah, it's 'stupid'" And then there's this whole "Who Would Jesus Do?" thing that I don't get at all. I mean, isn't that kind of his business? And what's there to learn from who Jesus would do? Unless it was like Kiaphas (sp.?) or some shit but I doubt it because even though the Jeezmeister was a carpenter he wasn't all on about interior design and from what I hear his wardrobe wasn't flamboyant or anything.

There's this church I drive by that has one of those signs out front where you put up letters and have messages- last week it was "If Darwin Was Right, You're A Monkey's Uncle" which is just flat-out stupid, right? I mean, if Darwin was right, then a monkey is YOUR figurative uncle, right? Fucking morons. They're in such a hurry to disconnect themselves from the natural order because it's just MESSY, y'know? It's all spit and menses and primordial soup and cum and shit and they can't handle being in there, y'know? Well, tough luck, you ignoramuses. You're Soaking In It. And then this week the fucking sign says, dig this- "The Big Bang Theory- God spoke, then BANG!"

What the freaking fuck is that? What's that? I SAW it. I'm not making it up. It's happening today. In YOUR America. In MY America. Or what used to PASS for my America. Where a man could take an acoustic guitar and hit the open road. It used to be me, whatsisname the guitarist, a rented car and 30 radio stations in 30 days. That was the kind of America you could roll with.

and that wasn't even 1979! That was only like six years ago! Ohhhh, things slip away.

But what is happening now sends shivers from my neck to my ass braids. Jumpin' Jehosephat! Heavens to Murgatroid! Jeezum Crow! "God spoke, then BANG!" GAAAAHHHHHHHH. "God Spoke, then BANG!" You know what? That makes my colon clench. It makes my sacroiliac do The Dirty Dog. It makes my nipples itch. "BANG!" Stupid and SO proud of it. These people think it insults Beeby Jeebus to think of an apple being made up of anything other than Apple Atoms. It galls Beeby Creepus that there's all these gross galaxies and shit. EWWWW. It creeps out the Holy Trinity that e=mc2. GROSS.


"Apple Atoms". That's funny.

Rufus Wainwright- Supergay Musical GeniusPope. And assbraids for everyone. An' a apple.