Behold The Stupid, Bitchy Hydrangea

Et Tu, Hydrangester? Oh, thee most crapulent of blooms? Never accused of possessing any good qualities at all, this Eichmann of flowers. If the hydrangea was an ass it would look like two rat terriers fighting it out in a paper bag. Not a calypigian bloom, this here! God damn, when I think of hydrangeas I just see RED!! Fuck!! Man!!

Hydragea: the only flower to lose the Flowervision Song Contest since its inception in 1971. What are those noxious plants that fart when you step on them? Stink-something-or-others? They ROCK almighty ASS compared to hydrangeas.

Hydrangeas! Blah! Fuck 'em!! Y'know how when you rock down about 5 big bong hits and hit a bag of donuts the universe sort of reveals it's oneness? You slap on some Sgt. Pecker's Homely Kluntzfart Gland and it all comes together for a while?

Well, smoke a hydrangea sometime, my friend. Truly this better than my mere words will illustrate the loathsomeness of this hideous weed. Smoke hydrangea and you'll be up on the town water tower sighting at kids down the barrel of a .22 faster'n you can say F-T-fuckin'-D, brother man.

Brother Man. I love that. It's like the Mullet of speech.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! tHE MULLET OF SPEECH!!

Brother Man. I knew this guy, Ozzie roadie name-a I forget. What was that guy's name, with the shaved head. Used to call you Brother Man.

Remember Jim Thompson? The noire crime writer dude who had a renaissance with college punks like me in the late '80's? He had some embarrassing passages.

Embarrassing Passages: The New CD from Bobby Lightfoot and The Orchestra Of Sweet Regret.

Anyway, there' a character in there who calls his wife "friend wife". That is just cringerific, that there. Cringelicious.

Anyway- fuck Hydrangeas. Seriously, dude- name ONE FUCKING time a Hydrangea came through for you. I saw a hydrangea the other day and i DOUSED IT WITH GASOLINE AND DANCED AROUND IT WHILE IT BURNED BURNED BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNEEED.

I could hear it scream.