If I Ever Meet Evanescence They're Going Down.

It will not be pretty. There's so much wrong here. It's not just my own personal mountain to climb. I'll be feted. I'll be in People with my little dog and my accoutrements. There's just so much wrong here. You people think this sort of thing doesn't hurt us but you're all wrong. You have to wake up and realize that every time we let something like this happen we suck just a little chrome off the Trailer Hitch Of Life, if you follow me. Oh, the Trailer Hitch Of Life is unlustrous as of late.

If I ever meet Evanescence they're going down. Down to the dark place where Those of Kicked Ass crawl, begging mercy from their furious judge of doom. Down under the stage where their multiplicity of contrivances gleam in the oily acetalyne glow, revealing their utter lack of merit. Down, yes, down farther to the deep caves where the Mudvark dwells, dwells and eats of the talentless winners of the Golden Ticket.

And when eaten of their bones the Mudvark has, down yet farther will the scurrulous beast send them, like ants spiraling lazily towards the center of the Big Flush of Eternity. So deep shall Evanescence burrow into the dark places their hero God won't even be able to suck their souls up in his vacuum cleaner. With the Hell attachment. $29.95.

Like dust in the wind will their depleted ashes be. Blown to the four corners of Crapdom on the ill winds of Shite. And gather they shall that lustrous night, the ill winds of Shite. The sky will be the color of whey, uneasy and full of a terrible portent.

And never again will their pasty, foolish, meaningless, ignorant, 6th-form, clueless agenda-rock pablum be foisted upon us again by devious little tanned men in suits. Little men that say things like, "it's just not Mo Tucker-ey enough", or (here's a real one for you) when you do a bitchin' modern version of a Beatles B-side, they say, "it's just too Beatle-ey". Beautiful. If you want to know who is really to blame for Evanescence and their car-ad rock ilk, look no further than these little satans. A fatwah upon them. All of them.