8/23/2005

Lifetime: TV For Broads




Ah, the lovely, lissome Lori Lightfoot. Ah, woman- fealty is indeed thy name, to quote Alexandre Dumas wrongly.

Why such scant mention of lovely you, and less specifically of your fair gender in the testosterone-poisoned annals of the Orchestra Of Sweet Regret?

And what's that I hear? The strident complaints of Sal The Feist, the other female denizen of Doe Hollow? My own girl-child? Is that a tear in your feisty hazel eye? Have I ignored you, too?

What, indeed, the fuck is my problem? To bypass the concerns of you, Lori, my one and only, and of Sal?

Of femalekind in general? What kind of an a-hole am I anyway? I mean, really- the most important person to share my days. Jesus. Oh, God. Do I EVER stop blowing it? Aisumasen. Enshurligenzie mich bitte. Mea maximissima culpa.

Let's all take a deep breath. It's never too late for a man to change. I play with guys, I work with guys, I get in vans with guys for 4 months at a time. Which is probably just as well. It would be a hassle if I was in vans with girls for 4 months. Can you imagine how many times a day I'd have to call home, babe? And they'd be all fighting and talking and comparing their boyfriends. That could get rough. I'd want to talk about the right gauge of rifle for distance tequila bottle shooting or the pros and cons of liquor and hash and I'd be locked and loaded with no place to go.

So I've got guys making my amps. Guys rotating my tires. Guys rolling off the 6 Khz on my lead vocal in monitor number four. I'm guy-centric. I need to widen up this shit a little. I think The Orchestra Of Sweet Regret would be cooler if it wasn't such a salami fest. If you get my drift. I mean, I love all you guys. You know that. But you're all so hairy and....insensitive. Guys are great but they just lack intuition, you know?

I'm on it. I'm changing right now. Tomorrow I will start a series on women's issues and concerns. For Lori. For Sal The Feist. For every heroic female everywhere, trying to make their way in a man's world. THE Man's world.

Fuck The Man, my friends! Never stop saying Fuck The Man! He can take away our pride, but he can't take away our televisions.

And I'd like to thank my newest corporate caretakers (just while I'm at it):

MASSENGIL

PLAYTEX

OIL OF OLAY

MAIDENFORM

9 Comments:

Blogger Simon said...

My partner's on the starting-to-be-scary side of 'well-endowed'. When i'm pissed off with him i call him a "Walking One-Man Sausage Fest". He gives me his Not Impressed look.

Hey, it always makes me laugh!

1:07 AM  
Anonymous Elizabeth Montgomery said...

Oh, you men are so disgusting.

1:27 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

MIDOL

POODLE

POTPOURRI

ZUCCHINI

11:57 AM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

zucchini?? ZUCCHINI?

Ha ha ha.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

L'OREAL

HGTV

PRINCESS CRUISES

FABREEZE

8:12 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Fabreeze- yeah.

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Lori Lightfoot said...

Thank you for finally taking the time to speak to the women of the world. Sal and I deeply appreciate it as we were feeling left out.

Speaking of traveling in a van with four females ... remember when I thought you were phoning to tell me you were going to sleep on paula's couch instead of coming home after a gig? When in fact you said "paul's" couch? That will go down in history as being the longest moment of uncomfortable silence.

Take good care of everyone. I'll be back from my busindess trip tomorrow night.

Lori Lightfoot


Maxi Pads with Wings

Vaseline Personal Lubricating Oil with Heat Activation

Vagisil

Platex Tampons (with the soothing plastic applicator)

Premerin

6:16 AM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Ha! Heat Activation! Ha!

Although I wish your response was more along the lines of homefrontradio...ah, well.


I personally don't find the plastic applicator all that soothing.

XXXXXOOOOXXXXOOO

5:12 PM  
Blogger Gary said...

Good thing that chick singer in WNB keeps you honest...

9:10 PM  

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