12/04/2005

Here Comes Your Old Pal Monday!


Boy, I was just tossing pearls of wit beack 'n' firt h with Mssr. Le Visconte
about this and that and I was struck with a sudden burst of obtimisme about what the week to come holds for all of us.

And I have to say, I see great, great things. All types of doors opening and possibilities presenting themselves. You will be the only obstacle to your own career advancement and accrual of things. That can't possibly be spelled right.

But you know what? I don't fuckin' GIVE a slice of Processed Cheese Product! I'm all about tomorrow! Manana, cocksmokers. Morgen. The wonders we'll see! And when you walk into that office or construction site or recording studio boy aren't you gonna walk in there with a skip in your fuckin' step and a song in your heart? Huh? Just the tinyest bit glad to be moving th' Great Ship Of Industry Forward? I mean forward?

I'm going to pick a fight. That always makes me feel alive. You know I like that action. I'm going to just come up to some fucking guy at the gas pump or the AM PM and just knock his hat off or something. Or a cop. That's what I'll do. They're always around directing traffic past places where people are working on the road.

Here's what I'll do- I'll come up really slow and then I'll drive slowly towards the cop and just keep going until he's having to move out of the way. Then I'll keep going towards him and he'll be all pissed and blowin' his whistle or whatever th' crap they do. Then I'll get out with my hands up but when he goes to arrest me and cufff me I'll crack him one in the shin with my boot and insult his calling.

That'll ROCK!

So, even if I have to go to the Big House for a month I'll always be able to tell the story about kicking Johnny Law in th' shint. I mean, wouldn't that be great?

That could happen tomorrow! I could just make it happen!

People, we have to learn to LIVE OUR DREAMS. They're out there right now, for you, for me. Girls, if doe-eyed Enrique from Accounts Payable has been floating your boat, I'm telling you- now's the time for getting him into the Xerox room and wrappin' that leg around him. You know? LOL? IMHO?

The promise! The promise and th' possibility that we squonker? slonder. Squadron. Spaulding.

Squander.

Why, one day not so long ago I was a young and saucy man who wrapped his jaws around th' world like a boa with a small child. And tomorrrow could be like that! Put on some U2!!

Promise me you'll put on some U2 tonight and in th' stereo on the hour long drive through a world you never could have imagined as a child. U2 can save you! Only U2! Doing good!

And promise me that you'll take that extra step towards greatnesss! It's the least you can do for yourself. If you want it, take it for God's sake. I see fantastic things for you.

And the sex! The sex you'll have this week! Naughty, playful, intimate and deeply, deeply satisfying. And nasty. Oh, it's the week of your dreams. Of your dreams. Here it comes. I see the light down the god damn tunnel. The train of tomorrow is racing towards the tunnel of potential.

Did I say that.

Every Monday is like a new pack of cigarettes. Pleasure and death. Pleasure and death. Like a bungee jump with nine ply nylon rope. Every monday is a whole new chance to suck in new and unforeseeable ways. How many ways can there possibly be? many. Many.

But don't listen to me. Don't listen to Leon Footsky. Don't listen to th' Footcrates. Don't pay any attention to crazy ol' Thomas Jefferfoot. When that shit comes down and that motherfucking alarm goes offf, man, don't just dip your toe into it. Don't dip your toe into Monday.

You have to jump all the way in to Monday, fuckface. I swear this to you. I've had them by the thousands. Mondays and Mondays and Mondays. Leaping in a pretty pace from day to day, that's for god damn sure. But like I said, don't take it from Footspeare, you know?

DO IT. Dare I say, JUST DO IT registered cocksmokin' trademark.

DO it and FEEL it and FEEL ALL OF IT. Right in that old Sacroiliac. Right in that bad fucking knee. Feel it in that scar and in that god damn wisdom tooth.

I'm going to attack a cop. You're going to start that band. It'll be huge. You'll be like Th' Gorillaz, I'm TELLING YOU. WRITE that romance novel with the highwayman and the lady in waiting. Heaving bosoms and leathery tallywackers. Send IN that application to be on The Apprentice.

It's all up to you, fucker.

Oh, and buy some fine products from Johnson & Johnson.


JOHNSON & JOHNSON

JORDACHE

BEHRINGER

JOHNSON & JOHNSON

JOHNSON & JOHNSON

4 Comments:

Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Sounds like someone's already on the rebound. I'm tryin' man. I'm really trying not to let the Black Death of Life get me this next week or two. I've got some heavy lifting to do....

mopapymu - My favorite Johnson & Johnson product!

9:26 AM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

I turned 44 yesterday. This morning the intersection at my office was blocked off by the donut-eaters. A drunk driver killed another human due to the drunk's supreme self-centered philosphy of life.

Hey, but that new Budweiser commercial with the horses sure is funny.

qhvvtir - fermented mare's milk

10:07 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

They got us saying, "You see that? Gas is ONLY..."

I don't know about you, but I'm hoping for an easy winter.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

JAMES BELUSHI

LIZA MINELLI

DUBYA

2:57 PM  
Blogger XTCfan said...

My tallywacker is made of fine Corinthian leather.

Bobby, I'll try with the Mondays -- I promise -- but don't tell me Mondays are a new pack of smokes. Fridays are a new pack of smokes. Period. Exclamation point. ziuauwaw.

P.S. Happy Bday Employee! I'm glad it wasn't you at that intersection of Life and Death.

6:01 PM  

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