Ha Ha Ha.

I'm involved in something where I review people's music. I have the option to skip through anything fucking awful and I've decided to only review things that I think really have merit and to therein attempt new heights of hyperbole:

Positive Comments

"You're going to be like The Beatles, man. You're going to start a bidding war. Absolutely beautiful. The I-ii of the chorus makes me want to cry like a young bride. This is a trick, right? You're like Garth Brooks or somebody. Stop messin' with me."


Constructive Comments

"More talented than me."

"You will be a Prisoner Of Your Own Fame in like 5 minutes. Dude, you're on your path. Don't let anyone pull you off your path. Your path leads to drugs and blondes, Mr. Pact With The Devil."

"Nice damn work there, Crowded House. I'm kidding- I mean it in a good way. Beautiful. Moving. Overlapped vocals. Pa-pa-pa's. Brilliant. Great end. This is a trick, right? You guys are huge everwhere but here, I'm guessing. You guys are like The Next Big Thing from New Zealand or something, right? I feel like someone asked me to review Songs From Big Pink or something, you know? This song is done. In fact, it's TOO good. You're fucked, man. Pack it in now. You would have to run this through the Shitifier so many times to get on the radio that there's no point."

The Shitifier! Ha!

"No FAIR! YOU get to be HUGE ROCK STARS and I DON'T. Is this like Nico's daughter or something? This is great. Love the vocals! Who is this mysterious song stylist? The declamatory vocals on the bridge are great. Are you guys for real or is this like all post-modern irony? The whole anthemic thing? Great, great melodic writing. I know what you guys are trying for with the so-so lyrics. It's that whole So-So Lyric Thing. Yeah."

Positive Comments

"Fantastic song. Great singing. Sounds like a hugeass hit to me. I like the space, I like the dry production on the vocal. I like the dynamics. I like the cello. You're a star. But you knew that. I have nothing to teach you. And you're probably 24 and super hot. I hate you. Fuck you and your stupid great song. Little trollop."

Constructive Comments

"Better than me. Oh- don't forget to underestimate the intelligence of your audience and make the chorus more obvious."

Ha ha ha ha!

What the fuck, right? There's enough negative crap in the world. But not from ol' Mr. Sunshine, right? Fuck!


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