Parables Of Th' Retarded Fuckface Jesus #3: Retarded Fuckface Jesus and Th' Circle Jerk Of Gollygosha

Woah! Who Wants Trouble??

Me, I want some trouble, yo.

Last time I had th' unbridled TEMERITY to speak MY beliefs about MY personal lard 'n' slavier Th' Retarded Fuckface Jesus it was a LONG HARD ROAD for your faithful Rev'rend Lightfoot.

Bad news! Phone calls! People sayin' they'd pray for me!! Whoa!

Well, "y'all" can all take a deep, long draw on m'Glory Stick because guess who came to me in a dream last night and said I must continue forward on Th' Path Of Righteousness?

That's right! The Hairy Virgin herself! She appeared to me on a Sacred iPod right between "Holiday In Cambodia" and "Dustward" by Fear!

Now I know how Joan felt when her voices came back! Ha! POPcorn! Eeeyahhhh! Th' Hairy Virgin, th' seeping discharge and Retarded Fuckface Jesus ALL came to me on th' iPod of Urine and took issue with me. And I was ashamed by my cowardice and my sloth. And so, once again, I must take up th' Sword Of Holy Unction and relate to you th' powerful and sad tale of


When, in his darkest hour upon th' mount of Gollygosha, Th' Retarded Fuckface Jesus suffered and wept from his perch upon Th' Once True Croissant, twas a dark time for all gathered. Even Peter who was assured his house was visible from atop th' Croissant.

Upon th' Mount Of Gollygosha 'twer many Croissants arranged in a tight circle, the better to nail up doers of evil and all manner of miscreants. So tightly were th' Croissants arranged that one evildoer could, if not restrained with a nail through his hand, reach out and touch his suffering neighbor.

On th' day of Retarded Fuckface Jesus' Croissantification the Croissants were full up with all manner of Jews and Musicians and Supporters of Public Radio, all suffering in th' hot sun. But lo, did th' heavens not open? Did not th' mighty hand of the seeping discharge reach down from th' heavens and free the right hand of every sufferer? And did not th' seeping discharge anoint th' right hand of each Progressive with all manner of oils and soothing Lanolins and Vaselines? And thereupon direct them to reach out to their fellow and ease their suffering with th' Holy Handjob?

But lo! The songwriter to th' left of th' Retarded Fuckface Jesus was left bound and unanointed.

And th' Circle was broken. And the Retarded Fuckface Jesus look'ed about and saw that all were being spanked off but he. And in that moment he pointed his face heavenward and cried in unction:

"My lord! Why hast thou forsaken me?"

Enjoy, Christers. And pray for me and shit.

You fucking assholes. What th' fuck? You confirm my deepest convictions with every misspelled imprecationnn. Th' hypochristy is well-nigh unimpeachable. And furthermore, your god is a homosexual. How "y'all" like that? Why do you think the world is so tastefully appointed, eh?

And if you want to come for me I'll be sitting here with a baseball bat and a rosary. And Sal Th' Feist will verily fuck you up, you stupid cunts. With one blast of her Breath Of Doom.


Blogger roxtar said...

O, how they loves them some victimhood. They'll point to Ol' Fuckface Jesus as evidence that they are a poor, embattled minority, put upon and victimized by The Liberal Media (Program Note: The part of The Liberal Media will be played by Bobby Lightfoot and the Orchestra of Sweet Regret.)

Ask them why Jesus afflicted their grandparent with a fatal disease?

(Hey, everyone had 4 grandparents; odds are one of them had a fatal disease, right?)

Ask them why God didn't teach those filthy liberals a lesson by having Terri Schiavo jump out of bed and into a hot lesbian embrace, err, Bible study and fellowship with Rita Cosby?

Ask them about the six kids in Chicago who died of poverty when they couldn't pay the light bill and the candles they were using set fire to the place, resulting in their horribly painful deaths. Ask them if they hope Jesus wil show them the same tender mercy at the hour of their deaths. Amen.

7:07 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Dude, heyyyy, come on. Let's not be so harsh with the Christians.

1:03 AM  
Blogger roxtar said...

I should probably forgive them, for they know not what they do, or some such shit.

4:57 AM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Gee, I'm not sure I see what there is to get offended about.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...


2:14 AM  

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