Dr Devendra: Answers To Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #2!

My friends, my friends, my heart is warmed by your many queries and by your trust in my skills. I have, in fact, a degree in Rock Medicine, and will now address your many concerns.

Let's begin!


Dear Dr. Devendra,

I'm regularly filled with what I thought was an itchy, burning need to create, but when i do, it resembles some kind of discharge of pus. Is it possible I have an STM? (Sonically transmitted mediocrity)

Whole Lotta Love,
Abbey Rhodes


Dear Abby;

Allow me first to tell you I feel your pain, dear boy. Or girl. There are answers!

My friend, you need to discorporate from your ego! Must I tell you the invaluable value of mediocrity in modern music? You have a gift many would kill for!

I'm prescribing LSD for you, my young friend. As much as you can fit on your tongue. This will aid in removing your ego from you. Secondly, it will serve as a sort of psychic antibiotic which should clear up the infection and you will be able to cash in on your newly pusless discharge! It has worked many times in the '60's and '70's. Rock on, Abbey.

Sincerely, Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor





Dear Doctor Devendra,

Last night I had sex with several heavily inked and pierced goth groupies (mostly female)in a parking lot behind the 7-11 near where my gig was. I think one of them was about 9 months pregnant.

Am I screwed if she claims I'm the father and makes me get DNA tested?


Dear Soundsurfr;

Allow me to extent my congratulatory congratulations on your bedding of goth groupies! I trust your discharge was satisfactory and that they were tight like anus of man and not like wizard sleeve. I would say your problem is dealt with easily indeed, in two quick steps!

First, you must bathe in cornstarch and a weak solution of lye and water to remove the many ounces of mascara that you no doubt have now upon you. Secondly, I am going to prescribe as for Abbey Rhodes a solution of LSD and more LSD. Why, you ask? This will surely scramble your DNA so as to render it impervious to testing! I would worry more that the child within could have been impregnated than the mother, you see.

So many problems, my friends.

And so many happy answers!!

Loving All,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor





Dear Dr. Devendra,

For years I played rhythm guitar and sang in a reasonably successful pop combo. Several years after my retirement, I experienced a sudden gaping hole in my flesh and the anguished shrieking of my recently reconciled Japanese wife.

Is this something I need to get checked out?

All You Need Is Gloves,
Winston O'Boogie



Dear Mr. Winston;

I believe I remember your work and that it was special. My countrymen wish to thank you for helping my country of India achieve our current superpower status with your endorsings! Also, you were right-my old cohort Th' Maharishi was making The Beast With Two Backs with many, many. Including making the Beast With Three Backs, Two Of Them Farrow.

I would not worry overly about your complaint. I would prescribe a nap. A dirt nap.

And please to tell your son Sean to consider the career of rock dentistry.

Much regards and respects,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor.




Dear Dr. Devendra,

I'm a composer of repellent modernist orchestral music, long-winded guitar soloist, performer of songs about polymorphous perversity, menstruation and mud-sharks, political gadfly, and a prolific, demanding bandleader in the LA area. Recently I've noticed a swelling in my groin, accompanied by difficulty urinating and bloody stools.

Should I be worried?

I Promise Not to Come In Your Mouth,
Tmershi D'ween

Dear Sir Tmershi;

Know you that in my land your name means "Yellow Snow"? This is an honor rare and beautiful. Your problem is multi-pronged, much like our god Shanka. The swelling in your groin I would advise to treat with the flowering Yoni plant that grows on the hillsides of your Hollywood Hills in great number. The problem to urinating will be corrected upon the swelling going down.

The bloody stools I would advise only sitting upon stools that are right-side up, dear friend.

Rock on! And thank you for the not coming in the mouth! Surely you are a master of Tantra.

All We Are Is Dust In The Wind,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor.




Dear Dr Devendra,

I'm a hugely popular rock star just diagnosed with inoperable cancer of the spleen. Since I've been given only 3-6 months to live, my question is this:

Is there a rock 'n' roll heaven? Cause, if there is, you know they've got a helluva band.

Sincerely,
Guitarzan


Dearest, Dearest Guitarzan;

I am saddened to hear upon your condition. Furthermore, with great pain I announce it that the band is not so great for upon drums is Karen Carpenter.

Answers I have! Now you must go kill a few innocents, rape some youngsters and endorse your president Bush that upon your parting you may go to the place with the Good band.

In the meantime I prescribe fifty grams of Angel Dust, to be taken one gram daily. This should help with your quest.

Never give up! Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow!

Sincerely,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor





Dear Doctor Devendra,

I am the lead singer in a popular music combo. My friends have mentioned that my popular music combo's slide from greatness to self-parody to mediocrity might be due to my jet-set lifestyle and my partner's drug taking. Can you shed some light?

Regards,
Sir "Cocksucker Blues" Jagger


Hellow Blueball Cocksucker!

Please allow me to instroduce myself! Ha, ha.

Many greetings! I refer you to my answer to Fender Rhodes above. Mediocrity is its own reward!

I am no seer but I suspect your mediocrity is a boon to your checkbook, is not so?

If you are feeling poorly, may I in fact suggest the infusion of the blood of many infants?

Rock on! Rock off! Rock on, rock off----------the Rocker.

Sincerly,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor