Buddy Attacks!

Yeah I had to pick something up at Gary Rome Hyundai in Holyoke a couple of days ago. This is one of those dealerships where they have th' cute mascot dog in all the ads. In this case it's an adorable, feisty li'l terrier named Buddy.

Buddy! He's pretty much famous! I never actually saw him there before and thought that maybe it was all a lie, a fabrication to lure th' unsuspecting lover of feists to test drive some shitebox.

But no- there he was, in the showroom window. Buddy! I'm all like I'm going to meet Buddy! He was looking out the window at me and wagging his famous little tail!

So into the showroom I go with my five quarts of fluid! To meet Buddy! Everybody knows how much I like dogs!

Goddamn if I didn't barely have time to put down my five quarts before that little fuck snarls and shows teeth! And I'm thinking it can't be! Not Buddy! Buddy can't be a prick! And I collect my stuff and start to take my leave when the little cock leaps on me and sinks his fucking teeth into my coat! Snarling! Snarling and generally losing his shit!

And the salespeople all come running and I'm spinning 'round trying to get the little bastard to release his deathgrip and laughing my ass off! And when at length Buddy relinquishes my coat he keeps a not-insignificant part as a souvenir. I couldn't believe it! And of course they're all like are you O.K. please don't sue us and what they don't realize is that I'm Bobby Lightfoot and their cruddy lucre is like so much bloodmoney to me. Fishwrap. Kindling.

What a dick that dog turned out to be. It was awesome.


Blogger Dr. Vector said...

I'm Bobby Lightfoot and their cruddy lucre is like so much bloodmoney to me. Fishwrap. Kindling.

That's why you had to take the fall. L'il Corporate Mascot hangs around car dealerships all day marinading in a rich creamy broth of lies and selling out. Just by walking in there, you pissed a big stream of not-taking-it-from-the-Man right in his soup. So the little fucker fought back the only he knew how, by taking it out on your Durable Goods TM.

That's some Homeric shit right there. Fraught with allegory 'n whatnot.

I know about half a million milquetoast pussy Berkeleyites who would projectile menstruate into their Gap khakis for a chance like that. You're livin' the dream.

4:25 AM  
Blogger Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

What a PR nightmare Hyundai musts be... Front page news today -- Hyundai CEO embezzles $100 million! Fuck, wait till the word gets out about ol' Buddy.

1:35 PM  
Blogger teh l4m3 said...

It's your fault for smelling like snausages and wet dog vagina.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Herrr Vecotor!

Yeah, man. Finally somebody understands th' sacrifices I make to keep The Man at bay.

Ha ha! Projectile menstruating! Dude, you on th' A list now. Talk about rearranging your dick on th' Titanic!

That's TOTALLY what it was with Buddy. I'm too close to see it. I'm living in my head.

BSUWG- dude they've retracted th' story- it was Corporate Tax Relief.

Chung Mong-Koo! What a fuckin' dick! Makes Sum Young Guy look like a Saint.

4:20 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

teh- I resent that. Everybody knows I smell like Bonz. And retracted dog lipstick-wang.

If I could smell like snausage and pup trim I might get some PLAY.

4:23 PM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

Buddy can't be a prick!

I don't know why, but that one line just cracked me up.

How's Ned?

8:52 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Heh. I liked that too. Almost as much as "what a dick that dog turned out to be".

I labored long over that.

Ned's resting peacefully. Everything went great. It's a good, good thing.

9:40 PM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

whoah! Clear my calendar. Need to meditate on the subject of Pets-that-are-Assholes.

Its always a heady brew here. Thanks Bobby.

6:56 PM  
Blogger mdhatter said...

so, The Man's dog went for yer bits. Awesome story, worth a piece of coat for the teling.

10:06 PM  

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