10/11/2007

Classifieds

FAILED ARTIST sought by bakery to
sample our new line of brownies. 75K/yr.
and full benefits. Work from home.

MAJOR ENTERTAINMENT CONGLOMERATE
seeks bitter, balding, musically hyper-competent
42-yr. or oldr to compose and produce
scathing indictments of us. Don't bore us, don't
get to the chorus, full orchestra arrangements preferred.
Salary commensurate with disgust.

HYDROPONICS GURU! The fall '07 Willie Nelson
And Friends Tour Needs YOU! Guitar-stringing ab-
ility a plus but will train the right person! 2K a week,
benefits include free RX.

STAFF WRITER POSITION available with Cynical
Motherfucker Magazine. Special knowledge in music
and politics a plus! Unbroken need not apply! Planning
Autumn 5-mag arc "The Genius Of Avril Lavigne". Fax
writing samples (300,000 words plus preferred, with
illustrations) to XXX XXXX.

DOKKEN REFORMING FOR '08 TOUR '80's metal
monsters seek freak energy bassist with hammer-on skills,
to-die-for cheekbones and largeish cock. But not larger than
Don's. Payment rendered in cocaine; hair ex-
tensions mandatory. No neat freaks, no Christians,
Don XXX XXXX between 2 and 5 AM. Leave message after
intro to "Hell's Bells".

STABLE BOY required at Chatterley Meadows Ladies Riding
Academy. Some heavy lifting. Multitasking self-starter with
stick-to-it-iveness. $5.50/hr., no benefits. Cruella XXX XXXX.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Pinko Punko said...

What about the ads for douchey lab "scientist" monkey with toilet paper degree? I'm on that!!!!!!!!

Nice to hear you, B.

Fucking Mel Shachter's been doing donuts on my fucking lawn.

3:42 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

yay

7:57 PM  
Blogger HomefrontRadio said...

When the last ad is the one that sounds the most appealing, even to me, then there's something seriously wrong with the music industry.

Welcome home. I've missed your bitter, cynical heart.

10:39 PM  
Blogger Dr. Vector said...

Hell yeah! Bobby's back! It's kinda like Christmas, except you're sitting on Santa's lap, gagging on mouthwash fumes, and you can feel him getting a boner.

Deck the halls, bitches!

2:51 AM  
Blogger HomefrontRadio said...

Whilst surfing for smut today, i came across the charmingly titled movie "Fist And Shout". Is it wrong that I thought of you?

1:31 AM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Hmm. The listings in the Boston Globe are nothing like this. Perhaps you should open your own employment agency.

8:45 AM  
Anonymous sweet dick willy said...

"kreeeeeegaaah!" you shall hear, as my zombie fists splinter your door in search of fresh content...

11:17 AM  
Blogger Gary said...

I was listening to Stern today and a caller was heard referencing the Shocker and it reminded me of you. Hope Springs Internal so I thought I would pop o'er to your blaaag and there it was; fresh meat! Hope you are still chasing the Muse(ic)

7:42 PM  
Blogger kalsang said...

Goddam it you are right on time sugarpie. I'm looking for a job and it's either corporate whoredom for decent money or work making the world better and live in a trash can. Imagine this: I've only ever lived in Amerika under the Bush regime. Is my view skewed or is this place always this weird? And what the hell has happened to the formating--everything is backwards on this screen

2:51 AM  
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