Bridget Fonda: Popelicious

Bridget Fonda as the Pope!! Can you picture it? You KNOW she'd go Commando under that cossack! Why the Good Goddamn can't we have a hot pope? That's just sexist! You know when they finally have a female Pope in about 3098 she'll be as wizened as a fossilized raisin. What's that? I'll tell you what that is- that is a failure of imagination. A failure of imagination. When are we going to wake up and make the world we want? Huh? Do you think Monsanto is going to do it for us? WalMart? Sam Walmart is going to help us get the world we want? Sam Walmart won't lay his horned little head on a pillow until YOU AND I ARE HELPING FAT HAGS FIND INCONTINENCE PANTIES IN AISLE 3,454!!!! Wakey, wakey, for fucks sake.

Oh, my aching head. Every time I think on where we're going I just get a Weltschmerz. Oy Mutterfuckning vey. We are going to Shit in a Fuckbasket, dental reader, you mark my words.

Cellphones? Cellphones? Oooohhh, Jesus wept. Boo hoo. Boo fucking hoo. "Father why hast thou forsaken me"- no fucking shit. If Jeebus of Haverhill knew where we were going to end up he woulda climbed right off the fucking cross and kicked Peter's ass. He wouldn've ripped right off of those nails and told God Inc. to go find some other bearded sucker to die for these assholes. Ladies and gentlemen, we are NOT doing right by Jeebie of Shleebus.

Here's what it's like: let me put this in very clear language that everyone can understand. Say it's that scene in Saving Ryan's Privates where Tom Hanks is dying and he tells Matt Damon, "earn this....earn this....bluuuggghhh..." Let's say Matt Damon fucking goes back to the States and ends up dead in a motel room with a bigass spike sticking outta his arm. O.K.? That's what we've done to the Nazarene with our cellphones and McDonalds and Tivo and Ass 2 Mouth and Boy Bands. That's what we've done. Feel it. Feel all of It. How's it taste to know that? Tastes like terbakky juice outt'n Yosemite Sam's mouth right inta you'rn, don't it? Don't it jest? Oh, it's bitter. Bitter.

Let the Son Of Man smile for ONCE, you idiots. Fuck SAKE.

Bridget Fonda- Popelicious.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, my stars and garters that's funny. I'm going to hork up my vocal chords I'm laughing so hard. Gurk. I'm going to wake up the whole neighborhood. I'm going to deviate my septum. My spleen hurts. My hiatal hernia is givin' me hell. My gums are bleeding. I'm going to give myself rectal polyps. My stomach is roiling. "Roiling". HA HA HA HA HA.

Are you guys having fun? This is O.K., huh? I'm having fun. It's a crazy ride! Just feel how she takes the corners! WOOOO HOOOOO!

Oh, that's breaking down th' Third Wall right there, huh? Boom crash boom. Blow that fuckin' horn Joshua, baby. Blow Misty for Papacita, Joshy Boy. Ol' Jericho's comin' down tonite.