Let's Compare Infirmities

Hey, what're you guys sporting in the fucked-up body part category? Me, I got polyps like volleyballs on my vocal chords from rockin' too hard, I got the hiatal hernia from carryin' too many SWR 4X10's and Crown amps on coffee, and I got the bad knee from a combination of rockin' too hard and carryin' too much shit. I think part of the hiatal hernia is maybe from incessant horking in disgust at humanity. That rings true.

When I want to communicate with the common man I like to drop "g"'s at the end of words which is stupid when you think about it because it takes just as long to type a "'". Fuckin' college fag.

Other than that I'm smelling like a rose, comparatively speaking. Oh, I've got a spot of depression you'll be shocked to learn. They say it won't kill me, it'll just make me depressed at certain depressing junctures which i really don't understand because LOOK THE FUCK AROUND YOU. And what the dickens is a guy going to write about when he's all pressed? (that's the opposite of depressed) Anyway, no big. What do you guys have? Anything good? We got any sucking chest wounds out there? Any anyeurisms or shit?

Have you noticed the story that your body tells as you round the Youth Bend? Look at mine- it's the topography of someone who never stops pushing too hard against immoveable objects. Think about it. Like, if you have a lot of scar tissue on your knees then you're probably fairly successful, or say, if you have a permanent lump on your forehead you might want to stop running into things. If you're blind then you must have been a wank fiend but my inner voice of truth is suggesting there's substantial proof to the contrary at hand. Y'know'wha'am'sayin'.

This could almost be a science. Lightfootology. C'mon- prove me right, hosepuppies. Let's see what ya got. Yes, hemhorroids count. Once I was cuttin' the first Fiction Damage album and I had to do all the lead vocals in like two days. Screaming and eating cheeseburgers and drinking coffee for 48 hours? That, my friends is a 'roidal recipe. Huzza.

George the guitarist used to call Our Rectal Visitors "The Grapes Of Ath". Holy Preparation H is that a hoot. "The Grapes Of Ath". I liked to call them "Tree Ears".

Anyway, that one time there I got one so bad and then another li'l one that grew on IT. George dubbed that particular configuration "Grape And A Sidecar". "Grape and a Sidecar". So that, of course, was the working title of "Heathen Stuff". My friend Paul had one that they had to dremmel off. That's what they do with those and also with the throat polyps like mine. They take a Dremmel and they use the Flesh attachment. That's why they don't let you keep them after th' operation. They're just dust which the hospital sells to


Smith & Wesson


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