You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months.

'kay we've been over and over this, and today is the time. Best of luck to all of you. The bus leaves at 5 PM and will deliver all of you to the drop zones we've discussed.

Afterwards we will meet at the rallying point and raise our glasses to the New World. Listen closely: I have kept these assignments secret until now so as not to compromise our mission. When you have read and acknowledged, destroy this post.

Thank you, and may a strong tailwind prevail. Here are your assignments:

Neddie: Brad Pitt

The Brentmeister General: Paul Wolfowitz

Kevin Wolf: Bill O'Reilly

anonymous: whoever you want

Employee of the Month: Kelly Clarkson

xtcfan: you will terminate Dick Cheney. Do NOT forget the cross and garlic.

jfg: you are to terminate Ken Lay.

mark: the chick that won American Idol. I will forward a picture.

fred: bo bise is to perish by your sword. good luck.

bryan: to you i entrust the termination of Paris Hilton. yes, you may have your way with her corpse.

I? I shall remove the Great Threat with a well-placed pretzel.

From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile.

I feel so fortunate to have known you all.

Bobby Lightfoot