8/31/2005

Houston We Have A Motherfucking Problem.


Ooooh, yes. Oh yes, in-deedy-cocksuckin-doo. Where the ever-loving fuck am I to start? Where indeed?

Sometimes I don't write for a few days? Why? Because there's just too much. Too much for one downwardly mobile musician to wrap his addlepated pate about. Indeed. My outrage, it becomes as a torrent. A motherfucking torrent. There isn't a font large enough to express the hate and rage and yea, the terror of this age.

You know what I'm talking about. That feeling. That feeling of utter powerlessness in the face of this motherfucking crap. it's like a huge wave that bowls you over and what can you do against that? What can you do? Drink? Drive? Huh? Christ.

Um, by the way- I can't fucking deal with New Orleans right now. Although a little bird told me Rove is involved.

OH, the pain, pain, pain. The pain. You think I'm joking. Yeah, I mean, I am, but oh, it only hurts when I stop laughing doc. Oh, eeh, ehhh, oooh. There goes another perfectly good two inches of colon. Fuck. You run out of that shit, you know. Colons don't grow on trees. Or maybe they do now. I'll have to be sure and ask my MINISTER.

My "minister". ha. I'd rather have a sucking chest wound than a minister. I'd rather do to myself what Kathy Bates does to James Caan in "Misery" than have a "minister". That "hobbling" shit. I'd rather smoke eight packs and cover my entire body with nico-patches than EVER set foot in one of your cathouses. You craven fucking whores. You ridiculous little lie-junkies.

God damn christing fucking shit cunting fellatiating breast cock shitsmear. Where to take it? Where? They won't take it at the fucking dump. They don't need my white Gen X fear and loathing. Fuck, man. No one's buying that White Rage shit I try to pass. When I come upside some fuckwart down to th' clubs. Guess I'll have to eat it with my MOTHERFUCKING ARM, then, won't I? Yum, yum. Tastes so good. My stomach has no more lining. My esophagus Has Erosions that a steady month-long Purple Pill fucking I.V. ain't gonna fucking DENT.

You think I'm joking. That's O.K.

Number 1: All the things that the War On Terrah has in Common with World War II:

1. Cripple in th' White House.
2. Fought with bullets.
3. Takes place on roundish planet.
4. Ultimately the fault of th' Jewish International Financial Conspiracy.
5. Holy Grail Not Found again, dammit.
6. Bush sort of like Macarthur, except instead of having corncob pipe, pleasures wife with corncob.
7. Ummm...ummmm...ummm...oh- Cripple in th' White House.
8. Starts with plane attack.
9. Not even th 'Foot can come up with ten things the War On Terrah has in Common with World War II. But see, I don't have Karl Rove on my fucking side. He tried, but he insisted on blowing me and I don't swing with guys. If I did it sure as fuck wouldn't be that prick. If I was gunnin' for gay love it'd be Rufus Wainwright or Stipe or somebody 'cause they play music and they're cool and something tells me they're on top of their game. Actually, I don't know if Rufus is cool. I just assume anybody got the brains to drop th' E root outta a E9 chord and make it a Abm7b5 has to be cool.

Rove? That cocksucker couldn't boot a fucking MACINTOSH and get a major fucking chord. Idiot. Chimp fucker. Child eater. Guy couldn't get a tritone outta a fucking TRAIN WHISTLE. God DAMN it.

ARE YOU FUCKING IDIOTS WITH THE SUVs WITH THE YELLOW RIBBIN AND THE JEEPUS FISH AND THE CRAP STARTING TO UNDERSTAND YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING HAD? HUH? HORNSWAGGLED? ARE YOU FUCKING FLYOVER CANNON FODDER COCKSUCKERS STARTING TO MAKE LIKE JOHNNY ROTTEN AT MOTHERFUCKING WINTERLAND??? EVER GET THE FEELING YOU'VE BEEN CHEATED, YOU FUCKING MORONS?

I'm going to start killing you at stoplights. You got a SUV, a yellow fucking ribbon, a Jeebus fish and you're on the cell phone?

I'm going to kill you and your fucking brood. Right there. No questions asked. A public service. I know you don't know it, but there's this thing out there called The World and there's People there and they Think Differently.

This whole fucking country would've gone fucking Bastille 'n' Guillotine a fucking YEAR ago but see, the people who would be on the front lines don't have MEDICAL so they can't risk a bayonet strike.

Very well planned, Rove. Very nicely done, you craven christing buggerer of infants. You bloodthirsty idiot.

That's it. That's it. I'm going to Washington and do what's right. I'm going to open up on the lot of them. Sure I'll go down but, babe, history is written by the winners daddy and I'm going to be the ANTI JOHN WILKES FUCKING BOOTH. gotta do what's right. Might even sell some CD's out of it. Move some fucking units, you know?

It's not right that I should have to feel this way day after day. How long can I hold on? Eventually I'm just going to take a seat in th' morning and my entire lymphatic system is going to shoot out my ass like a questionable fucking HOT DOG. Is that right? Is that right? Is that? Is?? I??????

Is it fair that I should have no defense against disease because I'm starting to really really BLAME AMERICA FIRST? yeah? Yeah? Yes? Is it my fault that this country has suddenly devolved into the Land of the Shit Heads and the Home of the Dick Heels? Huh? My fault?

No. It's not. But I am seriously eventually going to start bitch slapping cock sucker a-feared-a-gay-marriage folks like Moe Larry Helen Curley Brown. Slip slappity slap. fucking bow hunters. That's what they are- you heard it here at the Orchestra first. Fucking Bow Hunters. "Hey, Bow Hunter-fuck you!"

Fucking Bow Hunters. I coin it, you spread it. Get to WORK. Fucking Bow Hunters. Fucking Flyover Muslims. That's it- Flyover Muslims. Bowing and scraping in th' direction of Wal-Mart six times a fucking day when you take a fucking break from sucking infant blood and teaching lies and de-tasseling corn so you can more easily fit it into your insatiable anus mouths. Your mouths- my god- they open like a-holes the better to fit whole fucking COUNTRIES into. To fit IDEOLOGIES into.

They open retina-like. The better TO SHOVE THE ENLIGHTENMENT INTO. And then your assholes open like big, red-painted MOUTHS and you shit out the TRIPE of this age. Feasting on truth and logic and Swift and Dickens and book learnin' and crapping out shitty dogma and ignorant justifications for being so FAT and so STUPID and so VENAL and so fucking CRAVEN. And FAT.

And stupid? Man, you people are stupid. You support OUR TROOPS? YOU SUPPORT OUR TROOPS? HOW, EXACTLY? I'M GOING TO START ASKING YOU WHAT EXACTLY IT IS YOU DO TO SUPPORT OUR TROOPS.

Aside from fucking each other swiftly and pleasurelessly so you can shoot SOLDIERS OUT YOUR CLOACAS. "Oh, guh, look out, young 'ins...mama's gonna blast out another PFC...uhhhh...uhhhh..." So you can splat out cannon fodder and then when they get blown into mist by a roadside bomb outside a Ramadi you can SOB and WAIL and be all GRATEFUL that your CHILD stood by their CONVICTIONS and DIED for what they BELIEVE in.

I hear this shit about you assholes being proud of your poor blown-apart children for dying for what they BELIEVE IN. At 18? 18? What do you believe in when you're 18? Huh? Oh, you fucking idiots. Oh, god fuck you. I am so violently opposed to you stealing my FUCKING AIR. God DAMN it. For what they believe in.

You know what kids that sign up for this shit believe in when they're 18 and they're stupid and they've never set foot outside of Bow Hunt Iowa or Los Angeles California? Huh? They believe what YOU TELL THEM TO BELIEVE. So stop saying they're dying for what they BELIEVE IN. gOD FUCK FUCK FUCK. They're dying for what YOU believe in. How's that feel, you fucking Flyover Muslims? Huh? Forty virgins, right?

So, just so you understand- they're dying for what YOU believe in. THEY don't believe in anything. How can you believe in anything when your only window on the world is FOX News and Skipp Diggity Dawg, the Angry Gangster Negro, huh? So just so you understand- you're killing your children.

You're killing your children. Have a nice fucking day. Have a nice day killing your children.

YOU were the fuckers shitting your knickers at those fucking ball games in high school. That was YOU, wasn't it? Oh, you fucking killed me. You killed me. I had to get so fucked up just to walk the same halls as you. So fucked up. That was your TRAINING. Just so ya know. That's when you got TRAINED so when your administration commenced to using YOUR offspring to do something SO STUPID AND UGLY AND STUPID YOU'D BE ALL RAH-RAH ABOUT IT.

Jesus, I could never understand what you were so all up in it about at those fucking games. Now I get it. Your fucking education is complete.

Have a nice day killing your fucking children. Support The Troops.

Nice.

2. The Question Of Gasoline.

Let's use an analogy to go through this one, O.K.? I know you Bow Hunters are all into analogies because they have "anal" in them so they remind you of feeding time and you sit up and your li'l pupils widen up in anticipation of advertisements for tasty and inexpensive PRODUCTS. you are so into PRODUCTS, so I'll appeal to that in you.

This is really, really simple, O.K.? The Oil Companies are a dildo the size of Walla Walla (see, it has "Wal" in it like Wal-Mart) and you, my foolish little eloi, you are a rectum the size of a pinhead.

Get it? Get it?

Now, they're going to keep telling you about SHORTAGES, right? They're doing this for THREE REASONS, O.K.???

REASON NUMBER ONE: SO THEY CAN ALL SHOW PROFITS FOR THIS QUARTER OF AN AVERAGE OF 5 BILLION DOLLARS. YEAH. LOOKIT UP, YOU FUCKING BOW HUNTERS. GEE, ALL YOU WANTED WAS TO PROTECT MARRIAGE, AND LOOK WHAT YOU GOT! HEY, THAT DOESN'T PROTECT MARRIAGE, DOES IT? No, doesn't do much fer marriage one way or t'other.

Look, assholes- I fucking LIVED in California when that "energy crisis" went down. I was payin' 150 a month to power my tiny li'l beach cottage. Don't tell me this shit is above board. I know how these scumbags operate now.

FUCKING REASON NUMBER TWO: 'Member those Terror Alerts? Huh? Kept you glued to Who Wants To Be A Hypocrite, didn't they? Worked good!! Whilst these cocksuckers stole your souls and your children in the night?

Boy, I tell ya. If watching a little picture go from yellow to orange keeps you fucking Flyover Muslims so fucking entranced, just think what watching gas go from $2.55 to $3.00 IN TWO DAYS will do. Woah, dude!!! Woah, dude, where's my paycheck????? It's like a really engrossing movie, huh? Like "The 40 Year Old Virgin". Hey- I got a great sequel for that- "The 50 Year Old Virgin".

GOD DAMN CUNTING FUCKING SHIT REASON NUMBER THREE: Jesus. I forgot. Oh, yeah- these cocksuckers are eyeing that fucking Alaskan Refuge like frat boys at a fucking cheer leader rally. Oh, yes. And you know what? Few more months of this?

YOU'RE GOING TO BE BEGGING THEM TO DRILL THAT SHIT. I'VE ALREADY HEARD REASONABLE PEOPLE CAPITULATING ON THIS. REASONABLE PEOPLE.

Boy oh boy. It's right here, man. This is classic Rove. This has Rove written all o'er it. Vintage motherfucking Rove. This is going to be the week we talk about when we're huddled in our fucking bunkers. "Boy, 'member that last week of August '05? Ohhh....that's when the shit really went down, man. That's when we knew it was over."

Oh, Houston. O, Houston. We have a motherfucking problem. A motherfucking problem indeed.

Send rations stop send quinine stop

11 Comments:

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11:17 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Wow.

Why does this remind me of when a girl askes "if you're through" yet.

11:35 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

asks

11:36 PM  
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1:27 PM  
Anonymous arlkay overay said...

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5:40 PM  
Blogger XTCfan said...

Whoa, Bobby. Nice work naming the beast that's been gnawing at me from the inside out for the last couple of months or so. Testify.

Believe me, my family and the need to take care of them is the only thing holding me back from doing some Travis Bickle-type training, heading downtown, and doing the Right Thing. I'm still ready to man the barricades if they're ever erected. But Karl Rove is making sure nothing is erect around here.

9:31 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

Read this to the Viscountess, and even SHE was impressed.

"Who wants to be a hypocrite?"

Man, I would re-hook up my cable to watch "The World According to Lightfoot!"

10:12 AM  
Anonymous Crazed Hippie said...

WHEN, in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands, which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's GOD entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the Causes which impel them to the Separation.

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their CREATOR, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate, that Governments long established, should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security. Such has been the patient Sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the Necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The History of King George W is a History of repeated Injuries and Usurpations, all having in direct Object the Establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid World.


You folks need you a new revolution. The old one has worn off.

9:47 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

But dude, I LOVE political bands.

10:00 PM  
Blogger CrawlingChaos said...

Funny, that's the same shit they said about Clinton....

Guess they're all fucked up, both sides of the fence.

9:24 AM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Yes, yes. Truer words never spoken. All fucked up. All. Fucked. Up.

6:23 PM  

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