Bobby Lightfoot's Greatest Hits #2: "Are You Experienced?"

This is coming from last June. I don't usually catalog my drug experiences because I don't want to tip off FEMA.

This one, however, is simply too sugarfree to ignore.

Holy Mary Mother of God I played this outdoor thing yesterday and it was hotter than Croissus. I opted for this particular beverage of champions to get buzzed up but still burn away some pounds.

After the first set I'd had like three and I was motormouthin' pretty bad. Childhood, music, the whole nine. Drummer looked at me kind of funny. I was sitting with a cup on my knee and I looked down and my fucking leg was pumping and I had delicious cancerwater all over my pants. It rocked.

So, around delicious can number five I started to get a little slurry and kind of disoriented. We hit the stage and every song seemed really SLLLLOOOOOOWWWWW and I just wanted to ROCK ROCK. ROCK. ROCK. GLLLSHPPPPSHHHGGGGGGLLLL like Beavis with the Crappucino.

I did "Slow Down" and it was like fuckin' PANTERA. That scratched a pretty bad itch I had by then. In my shoulders. Behind my knees. On my neck. Elbow. Then I rocked another can and we did my song "Leaving California" and it was over in like 40 seconds. Ha. Then it was "Long Tall Sally", "Next To You", "Baba O'Reilly", "You Really Got Me", "Sweet Little Sixteen" and "Day Tripper".

After the show I helped myself to another wholesome Diet Pepsi. I noticed a profusion of thin saliva building up in my mouth which unfortunately began to fall out upon my shirt and this was problematic because I was driving. Really fast. In circles. Laying some rubber in my '94 Saturn. I got out because my eyes were sort of zipping around in my head and I looked in the side mirror and my pupils were like fucking molecule-sized and I had like six veins pulsing in my temples. I had been singing along to "Live At Leeds" and there was spit all over the windshield and I was talking to myself in an unknown dialect. I scratched my cheek until it started to bleed and it tasted of cola. I also bit my lip really bad at the same time and then couldn't stop worrying it. With the brush for cleaning the car battery terminals. F-felt goooood.

Luckily I was at a convenience store so I ripped on in and got a Diet Pepsi. It took the edge off for a few minutes until I was almost home and then my foot started to spasm on the gas pedal and my car was jumping all over the place and then I threw up. Tried to turn around the right way again on the two lane and i went into reverse and backed into a ditch but was able to pick the car up and put it back on the road.

I blew chunks again at the effort but felt pretty good and had some cigarettes. When I got home and went to the bathroom I felt like a soda fountain filled with acid. My teeth feel all weird and sensitive and loose and there's a weird lump right on my stomach today.

I can't wait for the next gig.


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10:42 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Yeah let's play poker.

I bet your left eyeball.

Oops. I've got a full house.

Out it comes.


2:26 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...


Man, I wish I was at that gig. I"m like that 90% of the time on my 2 cups of coffee.

"We have a special guest in the audience. All the way from New York via Atlanta, The Viscount."

And then, all I do is play the bass to "Slow Down" at 78 speed. Don't sing. Don't dance. Don't say, "everybody feeling alright?"

Do the one tune and then it is back to my seat...

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i bet chunks was happy

8:40 AM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...


10:48 AM  
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7:22 AM  

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