9/29/2005

Bobby Lightfoot's Greatest Hits #3: Neocon Polesmoking Felcheteers #'s 1 to like a zillion or something.

Yeah, so, I did this back 'round May or so. Took a lot of research, anal ysis and dial ysis. It's funny enough but a little puffy in retrospect. Since then about 8 brazillion innocents have died slowly and in great pain at the hands of these cockknockers so keep that in mind when you make note of how easy I was on 'em.




Anyway, I think this was some sober and important work; I might almost characterize it as a turning point for me. This is when it began to dawn on me that the political blogging that I had here 2 4 (that's me doing Prince) eschewed in favor of deep culturial matters might be a bailiwink of sorts for my ass. Without further adon't, I slowly pull back the curtain on:


Bobby Lightfoot's Profiles in NeoCon polesmoking felcheteers number 1: George W. Bush


Hail to the chief! Arguably the most bloodthirsty, assmongering psychopath in the history of the universe. This little Terrier of Satan has more blood on his hands than Krom IV of the Zekron system, who tortured and murdered one hundred billion innocents as the galaxy watched.
Y'know how Al Gore invented the internet? This fucking specimen invented every instrument of torture from 1000 B.C. on as he knelt in his bloodspattered cave, plotting and scheming for a time when people would actually be stupid enough to allow him to lie and connive his way into power. He hunkered down, absently tugging at his diseased protuberance and cackling as he invented human suffering and bloodshed. One must never speak his name three times into a mirror lest he appear and snuff any unsuspecting person with a single noisome fart from his lying, corrupt vocal flap.

George Bush- man of the people. The SHIT people.

Bobby Lightfoot's Profiles in NeoCon polesmoking felcheteers number 2: Dick Chaney


holy mary mother of god, would you look at that study in Kthuluesque evil? I'd hold a cross up to his likeness but they're banned in our house because all Christian people will cheat and deceive you with no compunction to achieve their nefarious, though nonexistent, ends.
Flowers literally wilt in this man's path. Anyone coming within 5 yards of him will curdle on the inside like bad bleu cheese and die a slow, fetid death as he cackles and touches himself through his piss-stiffened fly. Everything Nostradamus ever wrote was about this abomination. God coughed up his spleen and moved to Calcutta when this psycho shitstain clawed and chewed his way out of his mother's skull. Dick Cheney could do what 45 years of nucular fuckery couldn't achieve just by opening his mouth and letting the Winds Of Hell suck everything into his polyp-festooned belly. If I saw Dick Cheney on the street I would take a very long pole, tie a wooden stake to it and send him off to Vampire Heaven as he screeched and burped out the blood of a million lambs.

Bobby Lightfoot's Profiles in NeoCon polesmoking felcheteers number 3: Condoleeza Rice


Condoleeza Rice is one deranged lady. She goes around doing more crazy shit that is bad for America than anyone else in history. This woman is so unflinchingly, so remorselessly evil it's amazing we're not all already dead, knocked down by the sheer tidal wave of hate that she emits like a sick, infested ocean of putrid sinus drainage. It's a habit of hers daily to put down in her planner one hundred people that will be slowly garroted by her storm troopers. She goes to blogs to find those brave and true enough to speak of her deadly arts and they are cut down in their beds and she makes their children watch as she eats their still-beating hearts. And then she makes them watch as she turns into a huge, sickly sore ridden bat creature and shits out a perfect crapsculpture of The Smithsonian Institute. Christ, I have to go puke a turletfull of little wriggling, unspeakable things just thinking of this repulsive, putrescent harridan.

By the way, you might be interested to know that when she does this she emits a shrieking sound akin to that made by a once-powerful, righteous nation snapping the dicks off its own boychildren and feeding them by the barrel load to nightmarish, Hieronymus Bosch-like dolphins with human faces and twisted hands that shit out their blowholes because Old Scratch got them.

Condoleeza Rice- Woman of the People. The Lets Make Everything Suck People!

Bobby Lightfoot's Profiles in NeoCon polesmoking felcheteers number 4: John Ashcroft


Jesus H. Fucking Christ in Drag. Let me tell you about THIS little bilge rodent of a wartfarm. When they were handing out brains this fuckin' little fistula of a man thought they were gnocci and ate his. No joke- this is a dangerous little broken record of a polesmoking dickburn. Ashcroft's name and picture should be up in the post office so that any Amurrrican can exercise their second ammendment rights and find him and run him down like the craphandling, cheating, poodlebuggering shithose that he is. 'Nuff said!

John Ashcroft! Man of the People- the STINKY people.


Bobby Lightfoot's Profiles in NeoCon polesmoking felcheteers number 5: Paul Wolfowitz


Holy shit! What a pus-slurping dungbather THIS fucking guy is! LOOK at that psycho neocon lymphdrinker!
This guy, butter wouldn't melt his mouth if you shoved a blowtorch up his ass- at least it doesn't in my recurring dream for a better Amurrrrica. This fucking guy is such a licelike card carrying member of the Fuckup Club that it actually can delay cabinet meetings. But since cabinet meetings now are all about which Middle Eastern nation we're going to shove our best and bravest up the ass of so they can get coke and Special K so W and Condi can get all plowed and make a pinata out of some drifter while they're naked, what the fuck, right?
Paul Wolfowitz: Man Of The People- the STOOPY people.

The STOOPY PEOPLE! AH HA HA HA HA!!

My, that is amusing.





Bobby Lightfoot's Profiles in NeoCon polesmoking felcheteers number 6: John Bolton




Holy Smokes, peace loving people of America! We've got to stop John Bolton from being elected Ambassador to th' U.N.!!!

Oh, wait- that's Michael Bolton. Sorry.

Actually, as long as I'm here, let's deal with this fellow and then we'll move on to the Red Menace.

I know attacking Michael Bolton is up there with making fun of Heart's "Dog And Butterfly", so I will strictly present the facts. Here's the deal:

Couple years back I was doing Frunt of House production for some corporate shindig or another at some palacial hotel on the coast between San Diego and LA. Next door at the Waldork Hysteria there was another corporate shindig, probably R.J. Reynolds or some equally hellbound entity. So who's the entertainment for that one, huh? You guested it- Michael Bolton. Actually, Michael Bolton AND that king of 80's ultra-average sunglasses-mean-you're-cool-registered-trademark boring saxophone, oh, fuck what's his name....hmmm...ummm...oh, christ.

DAVID SANBORN. That's who the other boring prick was who was entertaining The Stormtroopers Of Exxon or whoever it was.

So, a couple of the production people were taking a break from their setup (make sure Michael's teleprompter is up and running, make sure Sanborn's tape of something decent actually playing for him to mime to is free of dropouts etc. etc.) and they came over and hung out with me. They were decent folk, as they rarely are. These sound techs and union roadies are ALWAYS FUCKING ASSHOLES. ALWAYS. No sense of humor, no personality, nothing but "the K2-9008 has a better signal to noise ratio than the XTC-333...blah blah blah...I suck....blah blah....R-556666....I'm a boring ASSHOLE..."

I take it back, these guys were ASSHOLES too. I forgot myself. I've been on antidepressants and feeling magnanimous. So much for THAT.

Anyway, they figured I'd be really, really excited to see Bolton and Sanborn close up. Yeah, I was all rigid and veiny over THAT. My fucking HEROES of SHITTY CRAP. Possibly the most EXECRABLE people to ever succeed in music and THAT's SAYING SOMETHING, DAWG.

'Course, I had to go along. Maybe I could get a clear shot at one of them. With my WEINER.

So we go over to the other crappy palacial hotel and there's the stage and all the tents and trailers backstage for these IDIOTS and their MINIONS. Who I would sign up to be in about 3 seconds.
So we go to Bolton's tent and look in and he and Sanborn are in there sitting at a table with their heads in a pile of blow the size of a Berkshire foothill. yapping a mile a minute, all magnanimous. Blah blah blah. Do i wanna drink? yes, please. Do I want some booger sugar? Only if it's to go, gentlemen. Only if you solemnly swear to each ingest a fatal amount and leave your wallets in clear sight. Anyway, I threw back my Sea Breeze and hightailed it out of there before my sensibilities could be permanently damaged. Also, with the rock stars on blow, you gotta realize the niceness lasts about as long as the last line. Then they go back to being PSYCHOTIC BITCHES.

Except for STP. They were nice. Maybe they were on something that lasts longer than 3 minutes and doesn't leave you a wrinkled, whingeing shell. Maybe something healthier like PINESOL.


Bobby Lightfoot's Profiles in NeoCon polesmoking felcheteers number 6: John Bolton





I'm going to make this as simple as I can. There's nothing wrong with having the courage of your convictions. AS LONG AS YOUR CONVICTIONS DON'T FUCKING SUCK.

It's the same problem we're having with most of these strong silent IDIOTS. Hey, America, will you admire me if I'm really, really resolute in my stance that all the bunnies should be skinned alive???

Wait, don't answer.

YEAH, THAT'S REAL HAIR. HEY JOHN, THE CURTAINS AIN'T MATCHING THE CARPET.

I always wanted to say that. Jesus, just LOOK at this ASSHOLE. The ANGER drips off him like sick fever sweat. What an ASSHOLE. He's one of those people who starts talking all quiet and then gets SHRILLER and SHRILLER until he's all RED and SCREAAAAAAMING from the RIGHTEOUSNESS of his CONVICTIONS.

Yeah, I'll sign the petition to not have him elected. I'll sign it on his FOREHEAD with a FLAT HEAD SCREWDRIVER. "Bobby Aloysius Barnhard McGillicuddy Robinson Manson Lightfoot the XXXXXIIIIIIIIII".

Goddammit, when can I SLEEP??????????


Dangerous Neocon Polesmoking Felcheteer Number Like a Zillion or something: Tom Fucking DeLay




God, I feel unequal to this task. I don't know where to start. You know, if I can topple an evil as ancient and powerful as fucking Santa Claus, you'd think I wouldn't tremble at taking on this little nipplehair.

Truth is, I'm scared. I'm a little scared. I'm going to take a deep breath and do this, but I hope it's not my last. Christ knows I might start feeling little pinpricks out of the blue in my ass and then the life will be snatched out of me by evil spirits. Lots of people who cross Tom DeLays path speak of pinpricks in the ass.

Whenever I feel like the children are getting the better of me and I feel bested and defeated and resentful, I just remind myself of the fact that the world of tomorrow is being constructed by people like Tom DeLay. That'll be their punishment, ultimately. Poor little bastards. This might, in fact, be a useful exercise in expanding my compassion for Them.

Shit. I just don't know if I can do this.

All right. Here goes nothing.

TOM DE FUCKING LAY!!!!!!!!!! TOM FUCKING DELAY!!!!!!!!! OH MY FUCKING CHRIST! WHERE TO START?? DO WE START WITH THE SHEER, UNMITIGATED EVIL?? WITH THE BACKROOM DEALINGS?? THE ENDLESS LIES THAT STRETCH INTO THE DISTANCE LIKE A YELLOW BRICK ROAD OF HATE, DECEIT AND PUKE?

Where on earth do we start with this fucking monster?

Fuck. I felt like I was getting somewhere and then I lowercased it and I lost my mojo.

Jesus, gang. I'm going to have to come back to Tom.

God, I feel small.

5 Comments:

Anonymous the brentmeister general said...

"Fuck. I felt like I was getting somewhere and then I lowercased it and I lost my mojo."

That's fucking classic, that! And "The Curtains don't match the carpets" too.

Gawd bless yer bobby lightfoot, for giving me a right chuckle this morning

8:26 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

Thanks for doing these greatest hits. I for one love reading the stories from when you were in the bidness.

While I COULD comment on the real criminals in this post, I have to say I really have nothing to add.

But Michael Bolton?

That IS apt that Michael Bolton is doing corporate parties. I'm sure he gets lots of money and adulation from those idiots, secretly despising them, wondering why he doesn't get the respect of say, I don't know, Steve Miller?


So what if he is an easy target? What he did to "Dock of the Bay" and "When A Man Love's A Woman" was so outrageous, it would be like rubbing excrement on "Starry Night" it would be like Grace Kelly getting leprosy it would be like William Shatner doing Hamlet it would be like Mark David Chapman doing a TV commercial for "Shaved Fish."

Where was Pat Metheny when he did those tunes?

8:42 AM  
Blogger XTCfan said...

How hard do these posts rock? Andy Partridge laughed very hard at the epithet "neocon polesmoking felcheteers." That's how hard.

6:34 PM  
Blogger teh l4m3 said...

Hard, slimy fecal nuggets. Each and every one.

8:53 PM  
Blogger Pinko Punko said...

You know who belongs on this list? Wilford Fucking Brimley. Wilford "Poledick" Brimley.

1:38 AM  

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