1/11/2006

Hey You Unwashed Polesmokers It's Me Dick Cheney


Can you imagine the contempt I have for you? Do you know how many hours my staff and I sit around laughing at you?

Do you know that if your own child had been at death's door as many times as I have they would have turned the machines off three fucking thrombosises ago? Huh?

Whaddya think of that, polesmokers? How's that fetch up against your unwashed fucking noggins, huh? Ohhhh...oh...you think I'm joking!

I'm not joking, you peasants. YOU don't make national headlines for a little bloating, now, DO YOU? I'm the FUCKING BEATLES OF EVIL. MY health insurance is 6,000 more comprehensive than yours because I'M SIX THOUSAND TIMES BETTER THAN YOU. The THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS that have been spent on clearing my fat-clogged plumbing and repairing my shitty, withered little heart would have fed ALL OF ETHIOPIA FOR A FUCKING DECADE. HA HA HA HA HA HA.

HA HA HA haa...hhh.....glrrrppp...glxxxx.......__________________________________


Ohhh. OH, that was a doozy. Fuckin' I could FEEL my mitral valve hiccup like a cheerleader on grain alcohol.

Oh, and by the way: I very much like to touch children. to touch them in BAD ways and to drink their tears like rainwater. To wring the grief out of them as from a sponge and mix it with vermouth.

And when the Bad People among you stir amongst yourselves and hatch a scheme to shorten my ten thousand year reign (I've serverd in EVERY polesmokin' admindistrationn), why, that is when I call upon the Old gods to smite you as I cackle and clutch at my chest.

And that, my evil little whingers, THAT is when I extract scarred, leathery member from its little sheath and wag it, wag it and giggle, the ochre pustulescence oozing from my conjuctivitis-ruined skull as I chant all manner of imprecations. I dance in the firelight, my torso smeared with puppy entrails. Dancing and cackling and wagging my wizened little piece of pesto ziti in the faces of your children and pets.

the guy in fucking New Orleans who said to go fuck myself? Ah, his end was especially poetic. One could almost call it apropos. You see, we shoved him headfirst up his own ass. And it's not pretty, my little capons. It's not like the silly poster. It's a broken back and fractured neck erupting through skin and a ruptured torso and a horrible splintering and cracking and endlessssss gleaming freshets of blood blood blood.

Which I of course enjoy with a celery stic. Stick.

5 Comments:

Anonymous the brentmeister general said...

"The BEATLES OF EVIL" - that's pure class, that is.
.
gydek - a greeting from an Australian with a hiccup.

7:27 AM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Thank you for blessing us with your attention, Mr Cheney.

qzxhu - Aztec for puppy entrails

9:15 AM  
Blogger Soundsurfr said...

You're being too nice Bobby.

No need to be politically correct among us heathens.

gejmya - horrifically painful eye disease contracted by looking at a picture of Dick Cheney directly instead of through a mirror.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Neddie said...

I'm given to understand his ejaculate actually burns holes in the floor. They installed special shielding in the VP Mansion.

Little-known fact: JFK were bi, but xfkmbi too

1:08 PM  
Blogger XTCfan said...

Sorry to be a pedant, Dick, but you didn't work for every administration. Abe wouldn't have you, so you ended up humping ol' Jeff Davis's leg.

Cock Cheney. Penis Cheney. Pud Cheney. Schlong Cheney. Schlong Cheney Jr. Etc...


epikyjg (what they inject into Dick's blackened heart to restart it)

2:46 PM  

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