1/05/2006

American Business













Wooo-hooo! Oh, yeah, motherfucker. The roar on the trading floor. Oh, man. The excitement. The Great Wheels Of Commerce roll on, baby. Holy crap! American bidness! The synergies!

Synergies! Holy crapola, dickman! When you hear that Synergy shit it's desk cleanin' time, ain't it? Yeah, you know it is.

It's simple, folks! It's dead easy for any shortbuser to get their hydrocephalus around! You don't have to know a horse's dink from it's patoot as my grandad used to say!

There's two types of products being sold in this Great Marketplace Earth! These would be shit you need and shit you don't need! If you're movin' the former you've got the folks over a barrel and if you're moving the latter, well, you're well-nigh pointless, now, aren't you?

How great is that? Being pointless?

And how about the Great and Mighty Tradition of the Maverick American Businessman? Yeah! Boy I gotta clean my boxers from th' reverence! Don't I!

Where do profits come from?? What's that? From making shit the cheapest! And selling the most of it! Woah, I just got a bidness MBA and I ain't even taken my finger out of my ass! And how do you make shit the cheapest? Why, you treat your workforce as badly as possible! Rip 'em off and fuck 'em over and give them as little in return for their efforts as humanly possible.

All these concepts of Modern Business and Synergistic Hyperwankery and all the breakthroughs of our modern Information Economy! It's alll so excitinggggg! All this big talk and hyperbole and it all comes down to makin' shit the cheapest! Burning rivers and assfucked wilderness and employees in fuckin' Nanking making a quarter a week! Brilliant! Brilliant! On to the cover of Fortune with you! You Carnegie you! You dingbusted Dutch East India Savant!

Pretty much the biggest achievement of Modern Bidness, as it has been with the Less-Modern and the Decidedly-Unmodern varieties, is the bottling and hawking of Human Desperation! Yeah, baby!

It is nothing less than alchemy. Alchemy.

All I'm trying to say is that it's simple. It's stupid simple. Don't make it anything less. Don't jack me off with your New Frontiers in Shoe Products and interactivity.

I can't even enjoy your shit anymore. I can't even see how to walk the fucking earth without being tied into the whole god damn zipless fuck. Never mind the vow of poverty. That doesn't do nothin'. That's just cuttin' off the nose etc.

That's why I'm sayin' get the fuck off the grid.

That's all. We all get off the grid the grid'll have to suck it's own polyp-mottled dick.

I can't even pick up a god damn coffee cup without feeling the sick and unctuous palpitating of human misery. It's like a psychosis.

Face it. We're genetically programmed to be widgeteers. Ah, the glamour. The meaning.

What the fuck happened to how it was going to be? Does Anyone Remember Laughter?

And it makes me wonder. It really makes me wonder. Maybe our stairway really does lie on the whispering wind.

The sheer, blind, driving VISION of modern business. Oh, man. I looked directly into it and now I canna see.

Blurf.

Monsanto

i-Shit

Westinghouse

6 Comments:

Blogger corndog said...

You certainly put a bustle in my hedgerow this morning.

Next time you look directly into the "sheer, blind, driving VISION of modern business," you may want to try wearing some polarized Oakleys.

nnvqjk - one of the 432 words the Inuit have for jerking off in the snow.

9:14 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

You are a traveler of both time and space to be where you have been. I think it is time to sit with the elders of the gentle race where all will be revealed.

WAL*MART

EXXON

MICROSOFT

GOD

hcieoof - what Dick will say after you shoot him in the dick

10:07 AM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

Hey! Hoopie-cat! Get in Line!!!

ghdzh - I'd inbade da ghdzh strip, bud I hab a tewable code. snif

11:57 AM  
Blogger Soundsurfr said...

You have one more question to answer before you get your MBA, bucko:

Q)Zweent Corporation executive decides not to invest in design upgrades for product A, but chooses to push product B instead. Rest of industry upgrades their product A's, which are now selling like wildfire. Zweent company loses all business in product A arena to competition. Same Zweent executive announces that the company will shut down product A plant, eliminating 7,000 jobs, and thus cutting costs to the extent that Zweent company is profitable once again.

What happens to the Zweent executive?

a) As payback for his incompetence, Bobby Lightfoot gets to shove a Fender Precision up his ass.

b) He is fired, but immediately becomes the new head of FEMA.

c) He receives a bonus of $12 million for his outstanding work in improving the company's bottom line profitability.


lwvjymo - ?

12:46 PM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

I can't stand the bidness lingo used to rationalize, validate and otherwise cover the bullshit. And it's worse than ever these days, with the veneer of self-help and "spirituality."

zywpixo - Yeah, I know Mr Fucking Zyw is the CEO is Pixo Corp. So what?

4:38 PM  
Anonymous blue girl said...

Hi Bobby Lightfoot -- heard lots about you -- so I'm dropping in for a visit.

You know when bidness lingo is at its most beautiful, useful and blindingly eloquent and educational?

In a powerpoint presentation. With lots of bullet points. And square cut photos with hard edged drop shadows.

Yes, that's when it's the best and that's when it's at its most convincing.

"Don't jack me off with your New Frontiers in Shoe Products and interactivity." You said it, brother.

ejyit: We bring good things to life!

2:55 PM  

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