12/20/2005

Carlos Santana: Top Ten Upcoming Duets


Santana! If you like th' fucking guy STOP READING NOW. Que sinverguenza es este pendejo sangano.

Fingers on a chalkboard with that pentatonic woodly-woodly. Just shut the fuck up already. Jesus Christ. And he's still all cosmic. Jesus. He's like Cheech but he hasn't got any weed for you. No fucking way does Santana have any fucking decent smoke, man.

Look. Fuckin' Santana in the day had a couple of fantastic albums, man. Everybody knows that, god fucking damn it.

Oooh, this fucking duet thing though. It makes me wish it was like that Natalie Cole shit where the other guy is fucking dead already. Fucking CHRIST. He's so Walmart-like in his corporate cash-sucking approach that pretty soon he won't give his fucking band health insurance. With this fucking duet thing.

Alright, Carlos. Got some duets for you for your next corporate venture:

10. Carlos Santana and Andy Partridge.
9. Carlos Santana and Karen Carpenter.
8. Carlos Santana and Dick Cheney.
7. Carlos Santana and that queen Ty Pennington from that house makeover show. They can turn that Right Said Fred song into a wheezing, whingeing, pentatonic shitestorm.
6. Carlos Santana and Usher.
5. Carlost Santana and Michael Hutchence's condemned-to-an-eternity-of-hanging-and- wanking ghost. Gentlemen, you can NOT fuck with Jesus' rules like that. There ARE consequences.
4. Carlos Santana and that FUCKING lesbian Clay Aiken. Can you imagine? CAN YOU IMAGINE? WHAT WOULD COME OUT? OHHHH. IT WOULD MAKE FUCKING "WE BUILT THIS CITY" SOUND LIKE THE LOST CUT FROM REVOLVER, MAN.

See? See what you do? You think of THE WORST THAT COULD FUCKING HAPPEN AND THE SHRITE THAT'S ACTUALLY GOING DOWN BECOMES ALMOST BEARABLE. ALMOST.

BUT IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHAZZZ ZZZZZZZZK EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDFF!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!! FFFFFFFFFFU-U-U-U-U- CHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT. IT'S N,OOO,OOO,OOO,OOOTTTTTTTTTTTT ........T.........T. IT'S (N) OOO-OOO-OOOO T,

3. Carlos Santana and Mahat Magandi. And they can drink some nice piss together. Their own, man. Not each other's. That would be gross.

2. Carlos Santana and Jesus. Carlos can stink it up while Jesus does a dope-ass-money flow thing about pimpin' and getting his swerve all on.

AND THE FINAL TOP TEN UPCOMING SANTANA DUET:

1.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE:

Santana and Hitler. Doing "Freebird". yeah, man. Produced by Kanye West. He is just SO street but he's down with the Plight, man.

Haff to admit it's better than the hideous, unctuating crap we'll get in '06, like Carlos Santana and Asslee Chimpsuit or fucking Alanus. Or Avril Lavigne. Oh, won't THAT be a treat. THAT'LL BE JUST A SURPRISE PARTY. I'm ordering my tickerts onLINE for THAT little treat. Won't THAT just be a SILK GOD DAMN PURSE. A JOYOUS AFFIRMATION. Won't THAT just be a Weedless Cheech Moment.

I feel like I might be physically hurting myself so I'm going to stop. this.


7 Comments:

Blogger Soundsurfr said...

I think that Hitler duet is on the new CD, actually. It's hard to tell because Carlos is playing a hammer-on lick that goes "deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle...." through the entire fucking song.

hjnosfgx - ceremonial cross worn by members of the hjno sect.

9:39 AM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

Remember theorem #3 of The Laws of CorpRock:

"Playing the highest note possible on your guitar whilst making a passing-a-kidney-stone grimace equals Deep Passionate Artistry."

xinpoxlh - Aztec god of overused whammy bar

10:16 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

They can turn that Right Said Fred song into a wheezing, whingeing, pentatonic shitestorm.

"And I'm complimenting you by considering it a song."

10:21 AM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

How 'bout Carlos and Carlos: kinda Carlos from yesterday and a tape from 1968? See, then it really would be like that Natalie Cole duet where one of them was dead.

ubtvzm - and don't you forget it

4:35 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Pat yourselves on the back RIGHT NOW. ALL YOU KIDS. ON the BACK.

xbtae- one who used to be a btae but now has a mediocre solo career.

4:38 PM  
Blogger res publica said...

7. Carlos Santana and that queen Ty Pennington from that house makeover show.

[Res Publica falls out of chair howling with laughter]

11:48 AM  
Blogger A. Smith said...

Larn to spel, ya dope ya. "Whingeing"? Really? Free Clue: there is no 'g' in the word 'whine'. If there were, then 'whinge' would sound like 'hinge', you know like what's on a door?

You drop the 'e' in 'whine' and add 'ing' to get the proper spelling of 'whining'. Derp.

Santana though...he does get on my nerves with his "spiritual, love, blah blah" bullshit all the time, when the Gawd he really prays to is Mammon. Maybe he's sincere in his own way, but he doesn't mind whoring for corporations when they come calling for another hit song.

Reminds me of the old meme of the typical hippie sellout, after hippies weren't a thing anymore and many joined the same Establishment they once railed against.

Methinks Carlos is a long way from Woodstock.

5:27 PM  

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