8/07/2006

The Parables of Retarded Fuckface Jesus #1

Retarded Fuckface Jesus came upon two Aramatheans in a dry, cracked lakebed and found that lol, they were thirsty.

Spake Jesus unto the Thirsty Aramatheans, "know thou that I am th' Retarded Fuckface Jesus, Son of The One True Seeping Discharge and that I can perform miracles like I was ringing a bell."

"Sweet," spake the bass player. "Then, truly you can perform a miracule and secure for us cool water for our parched (parch-ed) throats are sere and dry."

"Verily I can", quoth th' son of the seeping discharge. "I shall extract my holy wang, clap together my hands and thee shalt have cool water from th' Bladder Of Supreme Unction."

"No way, Retarded Fuckface Jesus," quoth the second of th' thristy. "We may be mere thristy indie-rock Aramatheans but we are not retarded as thine holy self. Know we that all that shall issue from th' Bladder Of Supreme Unction will be naught but warm piss, of which our need is small."

"So small, then, is thy faith also?" questioned Retarded Fuckface Jesus. "That thou wouldst throw thine hands up and cry foul at the suggestion? Believeth thou truly that the Retarded Fuckface Jesus would lie to his Faithful simply for the pleasure of relieving himself in their general direction? And this is how it must be?"

"Heard we have of similar miracles," spake th' first Aramathean. "Such as the Holy Loaf Of
Chaldoon."

"Yea, verily," spake Aramathean 2. "As we have heard of the Holy Fountain Of Leprosy-curing Coffee Creamer of Turin."

"Yes, yes, and The Nasal Discharge Of Eternal Life. We have heard amongst the peoples of th' South about thine miracles and wisheth to partake nought but to chance it in th' dry lake bed."

And verily were Th' Thristy Aramatheans dumpstruck when th' Retarded Fuckface Jesus extracted his robesnake and pissed a cool, refreshing stream of pure water upwards and opened his very own mouth to receive it.

And the Arameanths fell about him in hair-rending agonies, begging his forgiveness for their lack of faith and beseeching him to let them partake of the cool water. And then in his mercy did the Retarded Fuckface Jesus stand before them and piss upon them and it was the warm, acrid piss of a thousand asparagi.

And th' Thirsty Aramatheans wept at th' deception, promising a thousand years of curses as they scrambled away from the foul brew.

And Retarded Fuckface Jesus threw back his head and laughed to th' heavens.

"Now," he laughed, repositioning his prong amongst th' folds of his robe, "now thou beginest to understand religion- 'tis a promise of cool, cool water that leaveth you to die in the desert in piss-soaked robes."

8 Comments:

Blogger beyond passionate said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:11 PM  
Blogger beyond passionate said...

Praise God from whom all blessings "flow"

10:15 PM  
Anonymous the long lost brentmeister general said...

Fucking genius work, Bobby. I wish we were studying this bible way back when I was at school; I might even have scored an 'O' Level!

4:08 AM  
Blogger roxtar said...

I almost shat meself from laughing, and that rarely happens. (The shitting meself, not the laughing...)

5:57 AM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Oh god, this is fucking funny. (Notice lower case "g". I ain't lookin' to be pissed on.)

9:20 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

"The warm, acrid piss of a thousand asparagi" - now that's some prose for ya.

À propos of squat, have any of you heard this? If that don't give you a newfound appreciation for Paul Anka, I don't know what will. I have to say that parts of it are nearly word-for-word identical to a tirade my 7th-grade school band teacher went on. Good times.

Erxkxig! 'Nuf said

3:16 PM  
Blogger Neddie said...

Robesnake!!!!!

Har!

3:36 PM  
Blogger Highlander said...

Verily, I say unto thee, this is some sweet, sweet shit. More Retarded Fuckface Jesus. I demand it!

12:39 PM  

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