12/18/2006

Other Mases That Didn't Make It


Malkmas-

Proposed date: July 30

Proponent: cleek

Object of celebration: Th' band Pavement.

Mode of celebration: Elliptical phrases exchanged.

Why it didn't make it: Stephen Malkmus objected to misspelling of his name and the potential crass commercialization of Hallmark's proposed "Crooked Smiles, Crooked Smiles" line of greeting cards.




Christmasmas:

Proposed date: June 25

Proponents: The WTO and WalMart

Object of celebration: Christmas.

Mode of celebration: see Christmas. Christmasmas was the invention of the World Trade Organization, the purpose of which should be painfully obvious to anyone who would like to use all that nice glittery trim to plug up sales personnel's anuses.

Why It Didn't Make It: 1. Dude, it's like the holiday version of Tenacious D's "Tribute".
2. see below: people are almost stupid enough.

Special Notes: The WTO plans to resubmit this idea in 2015, when it is projected that the average human IQ will be 49 instead of th' average 50.



Frankmas:

Proposed date: December 21

Proponents: Mike Keneally.

Object of celebration: The birth of Frank Zappa

Mode of celebration: acting out the lyrics of Frank Zappa songs.

Why It Didn't Make It: Test Market A responded poorly to the coming in the mouth thing.

Special Notes: EVERY DAY IS FRANKMAS, FRIENDS. Look th' fuck around.





Xtcmas:

Proposed date: October 6

Proponents:

1. fans of the band XTC. While numbering only 63,000 in number, the lobby managed to secure a place for this proposal on th' docket through sheer rabid aggression.

2. The Japanese.

Object of celebration: The music of XTC.

Mode of celebration: exchanging gifts of exploding fruit, barking and hiccuping at one another around maypole, buying the umpteenth repackaging of the home demos for the home demos of "Bags Of Fun With Buster", putting on "English Settlement" and pointing at the air and saying listen to THIS part...listen to THIS part..."

Why It Didn't Make It: While Xtcmas managed to get off the ground, it decided to stop touring in 1981

Special Notes: Underground following persists, awaiting the day when Xtcmas will be once again made official. Which will never happen. Stay the fuck tuned for Nicklebackmas, though.




Massmas:

Proposed date: April 1

Proponents: Th' Oncology Lobby

Object of celebration: Cancerous tumors.

Mode of celebration: Exchanging organs. Children wear wigs.

Why It Didn't Make It: Detected too late.

Special Notes: Are those well-manicured female hands with th' light pink nail polish tugging and tenderly manipulating that fella? I think I'm feeling a little BB on my own satchel. Can't be sure! Second opinion!



5 Comments:

Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Assmas never caught on, nor did Masymas though we could always use more of that.

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"...well-manicured female hands with th' light pink nail polish tugging and tenderly manipulating..."

Yeah, it just doesn't look very medical, does it? Looks like some sort of alternate-grip reacharound illustration from an old Cosmo magazine.

4:53 PM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

"alternate-grip reacharound"

Gawd thats funny. HORK!

xdzeslo!

8:56 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

Yeah, laugh it up, jokesters. Laugh it up.

Yeh, I'll find something that's as oddly stirring to YOU and make fun of it. Just you wait.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous cleek said...

that Malkmus is such a whiny bitch about his image.

and, i curse the evil demon that made me post that in the wrong thread, last night.

11:20 AM  

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