Doctor Devendra's Answers Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #8

Oh, my many friends of the Intersites! We are having modern this technological witchcraftery that employs my many countrymen and yours not so many! It is I, your dear Dr. Devendra, coming at you with much Rock Health wisdom from the shrines and helpdesk corporations dotting the many hillsides of Uttar Pradesh!

Hots of the press, my friends- I'm am in the working on an audio version of my Rock Health Forum which to be posting soon! Featured guests include the much importantly Thom Yorke from Head Radio and the great Yoko Ono! Please to stay tuned!

Let us be beginning!

Dear Dr Devendra Banhart:

Am I even allowed to ask you a question? As a working musician, I have no health care.

Please advise.


My Dear Poor;

Here at Dr. Devendra's we do not disincriminate against the incomely-otherenabled! Please to be posting your rock and rolling health questions to your dear Doctor! I have degree in Rock Medicine!

I am specializing in the non-costing much cures for Rock ailments!

Sincerely, Doctor Anoush Devendra

Dear Dr. Rock,

I'm that annoying inexplicably-popular female singer from 'No Doubt' and even I'm confused by my new single.

I've forgotten if sampling 'The Lonely Goatherd' from 'The Sound Of Music' was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek post-modern irony, deliberately trying to create a disposable novelty-single, or a blind admission that the song had no discernible hook or melody of its own.

Which is it? Help!

Yours untalentedly,

Dear Justa;

Oh heavens this is a terrible, terrible song indeed! I have suggestions to make Goatheard much less lonely amongst his flocks.

I have no words for you or for describing this awfulness! I refer you to Doctor Dishsopp Ananda Crappagesh who specializes in Rock Euthanasia.

I do, however, prescribe for you a sanswich. A Nembutal sanswich to be taken with Wodka.

Sincerely, Doctor Anoush Devendra

Dear Dr. A. Devendra:

In performance in 1998, I fell off a stage and injured my left fulcrum. I have been living with pain ever since and my fans don't seem to care: they just want me to keep rocking on, the selfish bastards.

Is it time to retire to Bali or have you a prescription?

A Big Rock Star

Dear, Dear A. Big;

The Fulcrum is the site of many of the Rock Injuries! For many years we in the Rock medical community have been of prescribing a full replacement although in my dear India now they are in the pioneering phase of a new resurfacing procedure which looks waguely like this.

Also, my Dear A., we have made many breakthrough on replacing left fulcrum with right fulcrum and then replacing the missing right with the left. Problems have arised in testing but are being daily researched.

Actually, yes- Bali sounds like good option for you.

Be avoiding the nightclubs if you please.

Dear Doctor,

Please help me. I'm damaged.

There's a pain where there once was a heart!

It's sleepin', its a-beatin', won't you please tear it out and preserve it right there in that jar?

Glimmer Twins,
Down in Virginny with your Cousin Lou

My Dear Mr. Richard Keithson;

I am not in the understanding of your dilemma for how can there be a pain and no heart and then you speak of tearing out this heart that is not there?

And for how it is a-beatin' while at same time a-sleepin' being?

Thanks for heavens I am not Rock lyric doctor!

Your answer lies in Switzerland my old friend!

However, yes- we can tear it out and preserve. For 24 hours.

Sincerely, Doctor Anoush Devendra, Rock Doctor.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Dr. Devendra-

Thank you for your prior advice. I have now forgiven my mother for destroying my Kiss albums (which included my two favorites, Destroyer AND the Ace Frehley solo album). My burden is lightening thanks to your wisdom.

However, I neglected to mention that she also gave my Korg Poly-61 (my first-ever synth!) to my so-called "friend," Oral Roberts, while I was away at college. Is this an unforgivable act? Or, can I similarly get past it and lead a normal life? And, should I ever cease being angry at Oral for accepting this gift (for, surely, this was bad karma for him)? To this day, every time I see the brand name Korg (which, thankfully, isn't too often), I feel an annoying jolt of low-level anger.

Praise shiva,

9:47 AM  
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