Dr. Devendra: Answers To Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #5

Oh, my dear, dear friends! So many searching in th' wilderness for Answers and Wisdom! Please to know you have come to the right place! For I am Dr. Devendra and I possess a degree in Rock Medicine.

Let us begin!

Dear Dr. Devendra:

For more than 30 years I have sung for a "progressive rock" band that has become more ponderous as the years have worn on and our bass player has come to look more and more like Bea Arthur. Despite our affirmative attitude and name, our fans are rapidly dying off, victims of the LSD therapy you prescribed to them throughout the '70s.

My question to you is: When will my voice finally change? I'm sick of singing like a girl.

- Jon "I wanna be a" Manderson

My Dear Jon Masterson;

I am thanking you for your letter and am assuring you that the answer is there for you, my searching friend.

One has only to search towards the back of one's BVD undergarments! You will find there a small number. Seek in the Walmart for BVDs which display a number which is four higher than the current number.

Also, if at all possible may I humbly suggest a reduction in the amount of manly discharge that you consume? This may also balance your chi and aid in the lower of singing.

Tell th' Moondog! Tell th' March Hare!

Peace upon you,

Doctor Anoush Devendra

Dear Doctor Devendra,

I "died of natural causes" back in '71. My band kind of sucked, and I was textbook asshole.

I think I'm ready for a comeback.

My question is, will it play in Peoria?

- Name Witheld, but this blind Puerto Rican dude liked one of our songs...

My Dear Mystery Comeback Friend;

All signs point to Yes!

I suggest only the liberal application of kohl and foundation to counter the effects of 32 years of decomposition which can be offputting in the place of Ohio, while it will be yet another boon in urban centers.

I would suggest to you for to market the comeback as a "Goth" styling.

The blessings of Shiva upon you!

Dr. Devendra

Dear Dr. Devendra,

I'm a blonde socialite with the body of an cokebinging model and the face, well, of a multimillionaire. But despite all my red carpet appearances and starfucking, I can't seem to get my pop music career off the ground. Do you think it's about time I brutally murdered my sister in the bloodiest way possible, claim to have been brainwashed by Chuckles Manson, and start cutting records from Chowchilla?

Yours truly,

"Heiress Pilton"

Ah, my Dear Ms. Pilton;

Never, truly, do the worthwhile things easily come. Aside from that one fellow in your wonderful video. I hope it was warm and flavorful.

I am receiving queries for which I feel a woeful inadequacy, for you see, I am a Doctor Of Rock, not an agent or manager. I might suggest a redirecting of career-related questions to my colleague Depresh Depresosandragupta who is wise in th' ways of the Rock Career.

For you, dearest Heiress, I offer this advice only: offer, in your music package, a coupon which bestows upon the purchaser the opportunity to bestow upon your face his manly essence. I suspect, though I am no ex-spurt, that this will boost your sales and also your aura.

I believe you can extrapolate the price of my counsel!

Sincerely, Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor

Dear Dr. Devendra,

I've just started attending Rock Rock Rock Rock Rock N Roll High School and my older brother said I have to pretend to like Sonic Youth and Nirvana if I want to be cool. But I'd much rather listen to my Lemon Pipers and Archies records.

Do I really have to pretend 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' is one of the 10 greatest singles of all time when I think it's not a patch on 'Yummy Yummy Yummy'?

Yours twuly scwuptiously,
Billy Arse-Kicking-Waiting-To-Happen Jr.

Greetings and Salutions Billy Arse!

Again, my dear friend, I am in over your head.

However, there is a simple fact which should help you not receive the kicking of arse but rather a loving and skilled tonguing of it. And that is this, dear friend:

Anyone to pretend the loving of "Teen Spirit", I know from higher sources, will bathe in The Lake Of Curry.

You are a living, breathing organism on This Wonderful Spaceship Earth.

Sincerely, Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor

Dear Dr. Devendra:

I have taken my moderately pleasant voice, unimaginative phrasing, cliched mannerisms stolen from Sinatra, and the singing of tired workhorses from Tin Pan Alley and wedded it to my blandly handsome looks - which older women find inexplicably souful in photographs. This combo has sold millions of records and made me wealthy.

Still, I feel like a sham and contemplate taking the pipe. What can I do to stop these suicidal urges?

Thanks in advance,
M. Bubbly

My Dear Michael;

Yes, I have in fact heard you of singing, my friend. All I can think to say in this matter is that sometimes not all urges are to be overcome or ignored.

Sometimes, in fact, these urges can boost sales when carried out, ensuring the surviving family members a healty retirement.

As you youngsters are so fond of saying! Go for it!


Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor.

Dear Dr. Dervish,

I have a large private collection of anatomical castings. Would your institute entertain receiving the collection as a contributiuon?
What would its value be for tax purposes?

Smokingly yours,
Cynthia C. P.

Dear Miss Cynthia;

My foundation would be very, very grateful for the donation of these castings. For tax we will give you large receipt.

Please to send Jimi Hendrix, Bobby Lightfoot and Otis Redding UPS Ground. All others you may send air COD. Please to pack Brian Wilson and Andy Summers in well-cushioned matchbox.

Gratefully yours,

Dr. Devendra, Rock Doctor.


Blogger Kevin Wolf said...



Oh, fuck! I can't take anymore!

10:17 PM  
Blogger roxtar said...

Hey, now. Let's not be mocking Yes.

No shit. I'm serious. These are the geniuses who gave us "Close to the Edge" and "Long Distance Zbjxdqc".

How about a little respect?

7:34 PM  
Blogger teh l4m3 said...


6:46 PM  

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