Dr. Devendra: Answers To Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #4

Dear Dr. Devendra-

My mother threw away my Kiss 8-tracks when I was a wee lad, citing subliminal backwards-masked satanic messages. However, I still totally rock out any time I hear "Detroit Rock City." If I accept Jesus Christ as my personal trainer, would my indulgent awe for Kiss disappear?

-Patrick Hillman

Dear Mr. Patrick;

Allow me if I may to be poetically waxing at this time, my dear, dear young man. The mountains may crumble to sea, the oceans may dry up and disappear, but the love of a young man for The Greatest Band In History will never, never die. Be of excellent cheer, dear boy, and remember- it is only the music that mummy throws away that is of good music.

The music of the spheres.

P.S. May I suggest for the purchasing of Kiss box set and crystal meth? We must live every moment as it may is the last.


Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

Dear Dr. Devendra:

I have taken my moderately pleasant voice, unimaginative phrasing, cliched mannerisms stolen from Sinatra, and the singing of tired workhorses from Tin Pan Alley and wedded it to my blandly handsome looks - which older women find inexplicably souful in photographs. This combo has sold millions of records and made me wealthy.

Still, I feel like a sham and contemplate taking the pipe. What can I do to stop these suicidal urges?

Thanks in advance,
M. Bubbly

9:43 AM  
Blogger teh l4m3 said...

Dear Dr. Devendra,

I'm a blonde socialite with the body of an cokebinging model and the face, well, of a multimillionaire. But despite all my red carpet appearances and starfucking, I can't seem to get my pop music career off the ground. Do you think it's about time I brutally murdered my sister in the bloodiest way possible, claim to have been brainwashed by Chuckles Manson, and start cutting records from Chowchilla?

Yours truly,

"Heiress Pilton"

5:36 PM  
Blogger XTCfan said...

Dear Dr. Devendra:

For more than 30 years I have sung for a "progressive rock" band that has become more ponderous as the years have worn on and our bass player has come to look more and more like Bea Arthur. Despite our affirmative attitude and name, our fans are rapidly dying off, victims of the LSD therapy you prescribed to them throughout the '70s.

My question to you is: When will my voice finally change? I'm sick of singing like a girl.

- Jon "I wanna be a" Manderson

6:45 PM  
Blogger fgfdsg said...

Dear Dr. Devendra,

I've just started attending Rock Rock Rock Rock Rock N Roll High School and my older brother said I have to pretend to like Sonic Youth and Nirvana if I want to be cool. But I'd much rather listen to my Lemon Pipers and Archies records.

Do I really have to pretend 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' is one of the 10 greatest singles of all time when I think it's not a patch on 'Yummy Yummy Yummy'?

Yours twuly scwuptiously,
Billy Arse-Kicking-Waiting-To-Happen Jr.

2:52 AM  
Blogger The Viscount LaCarte said...

Dear Doctor Devendra,

I "died of natural causes" back in '71. My band kind of sucked, and I was textbook asshole.

I think I'm ready for a comeback.

My question is, will it play in Peoria?

- Name Witheld, but this blind Puerta Rican dude liked one of our songs...

9:28 AM  
Blogger Employee of the Month said...

Dear Dr. Dervish,

I have a large private collection of anatomical castings. Would your institute entertain receiving the collection as a contributiuon?
What would its value be for tax purposes?

Smokingly yours,
Cynthia C. P.

3:00 PM  

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