12/14/2006

Fame: Yesterday And Today: Final Draft

How To Get Famous:

1966: Be really, really, really talented and fuck the right person.

2006: Fuck the right person.

Scenario 2:

1966: Be really, really talented and experience many serendipitous moments of luck

2006: Experience many serendipitous moments of luck.

Scenario 3:

1966: Be Mick Jagger

1976: Fuck Mick Jagger

1986: Arrest Mick Jagger

1996: Be Mick Jagger's kid

2006: Kill Mick Jagger

Scenario Whatever It Is:

1966: Get shot in Dallas

1986: Get shot on "Dallas"

2006: Blow up half of Dallas

How To Get Unfamous:

1966: Go to India and parlay your fortune into a nice li'l nest egg. So you can walk around barefoot th' rest of your life.

2006: Do something that doesn't suck.

How To Get Famous Again After Being Unfamous:

1966: Write an amazing book about your experiences walking around barefoot and how they helped you grow.

2006: Murder someone and write a book about the planning stages.

How To "Cross Over":

1966: Have a b-side that sounds like a kid's song.

1996: Have a b-side about a thong

2006: Attack a kid's b-side with your prong.




"Creating A Buzz"

1966: Get fat and then thin again

2006: Get thin and then fat again. And kill someone.

"Stretching Creatively"

1966: Put a sitar on a track

2006: Kill your sister for crack

"Getting Back To Your Roots"

1966: Record live

2006: Record with only ten computers and only use auto-pitch-correct...on th' vocals.

Your "Solo Career":

1966: Start a new band with new members. Name it after yourself.

2006: Use the same band, just change the name to your name. Put them on 15,ooo dollar salaries. The label said so.



4 Comments:

Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

1966: Bobby Lighfoot opens for the Beatles.

1986: Bobby Lightfoot opens for the Police.

2006: Bobby who?

Fuck, man, this post was brilliant. Funny and true. But you knew that.

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I heard Britney sing once. Remember that scene in... what was it... the movie Pi, I think? ... where the guy takes a Black & Decker drill to his own head. Had to fight off that urge.

Oddly, though, she does look sorta hot in that pic you chose.

12:07 PM  
Blogger teh l4m3 said...

1966: Change your last name to avoid being confused with a guy in an albeit decent gimmick band.

1993: Change your name to an unpronounceable symbol because you just realized you work for the Dutch East India Company of record labels.

2006: Change your name because Shawn Corey Carter or Shad Gregory Moss sounds a little too wussy -- i.e., doesn't sound like you could kill someone.

8:28 PM  
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3:48 PM  

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