4/12/2005

This Censorship Thing.



Boy, it would be a lot easier to take this whole FCC-fine-Censorship thing a lot more seriously if a) one side wasn't comprised of scumbag politician puppets run by freako Christer pressure groups and the other side wasn't comprised of the billionaire VH1 assholes who make reality T.V. and stupid, stupid shows like that idiotic Desperate Housewives. YOU fucking idiots with yer "slippery slope" and yer "if we can't show Janet Jackson's titty TODAY, tomorrow They're going to take away our right to show people going at each other with strapons with corporate logos on them. That's what these Republicans are going to do. These moral refuseniks, these pent-up Falwells. They'll steal our God-given right to show your children naked whores doing coke off each other and people shoving gun barrels down each other's throats. Boo hoo. Boo hoo."

I honestly don't know who of these two groups is more reprehensible. All-a-ya remind me of what I'm blowing out my nose every morning as my sinus infection clears up, y'know? Who the fuck are you people? Ain't none of you living on my street. On my street we have this kooky thing called an OFF button that is right on the front of your Stupid Box. And we're using it to shut YOU IDIOTS OFF. You're having this Big Debate and NO ONE fucking cares. We don't have the time. We have to try to get by in this fucking Third World country. Censorship. Jesus Christ.
Listening to you idiots go on about it on the radio and on T.V. Gimme a fucking break. I hope you ivory tower wankers are having a nice circle jerk over this thing, tugging at each other's atrophied little puds, your wrinkled li'l noodles, thinking normal Americans give a FUCK. You know what we're doing, you IDIOT Hollywood ASSHOLES and you Moral Dickhead Incorporated Shit Heels? You know how we're spending our endless leisure time????????

WE'RE BURYING OUR FUCKING CHILDREN. WE'RE TRYING TO GET BY WITHOUT HEALTH CARE. WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WE'RE GOING TO RETIRE ON WHEN OUR INVESTMENTS IN FUCKING HALIBURTON DON'T WORK OUT. WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW WE'RE GOING TO GET TO OUR MCJOBS EVERY MORNING WITH GAS AT 19 FUCKING DOLLARS A GALLON. SO'S WHAT WE CAN WORK 80 HOURS A WEEK.

We're trying to sleep at night, you fucking weasels.

The fucking Pope? Oh, my GOD. Who gives a fuck about THE POPE???? FUCK!!! AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

IF YOU CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING POPE AND CENSORSHIP BULLY FOR YOU. I'm really REALLY HAPPY for you that you have the TIME and the INCLINATION to jack yourself off over the FUCKING POPE. SQUICK, SQUICK, SQUICK. I can hear it all over America when I put my ear to the ground. IT'S THE SOUND OF A MASSIVE WANK, is what it is. You know where I hear it the most? You know where it's the most deafening? Where it actually makes the timbers rattle with its incessant SQUICK, SQUICK, SQUICK?

That would be in th' churches. The Place To Go To Set Your Mind At Ease Because Your Conscience is So Fucked Over What You're Having To Do To Put Food On The Table. TM. Trademark. Registered Trademark. This Registered Trademark Is The Sole Property of Jeebus Industries International. Now Accepting Your Cash So You CAN SLEEP. A SAWBUCK A MINUTE. NIGHT NIGHT, YOU SUCKERS.

Anyway, at least the wierdo cultist Christers have some kind of moral agenda, as fucked up and 50's as it is. These other idiots are just money grubbing ASSholes who ACT like they do to elicit sympathy from us downtrodden lefties. Trust me, folks. Take it from Lightfootinsky. These people acting like they're defending your free speech? Um, they're not. They're defending their right to continue making bank off showing Brigitte Nielson's wizened Labia Majora and Flava Flav's pathetic Uncle Tomming. Um, gee whiz. Does anyone think these people are actually defending our right to free speech by showing more ASS? Oh, gee, whiz- that was some politically subversive shit I had under my mattress in tenth grade, yeah huh? I didn't realize I was such a trailblazer, discovering America's favorite pastime SQUICK SQUICK and fomenting radical free speech at th' same time! Man, I was cool!

Hey, there's an Internet now. You don't have to turn to T.V. for this shit anymore. You can just type www.childrenshootingandassbangingeachotheroncrack.com, y'know? And so they're afraid. They've gotta one-up it. And how do you one-up the Darkest Recesses Of The Fucked Up Human Mind on prime time?

Scheming, advertising-dollar sucking hypocrites. Fuck all of you. I just horked out my left lung in sheer disgust. Glack, gack, glack. Thanks a LOT. Now I can't BREATH GOOD. You people NEVER STOP. Don't you hafta take a lunch break or something? You're like a bunch of hiccupping camper children trying to impress the counselor with who can possibly SUCK the most. YOU ALL WIN. YOU ALL WIN. Aaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee. Which brings me to my second point:

b) has anyone noticed there's a god damned WAR on? Oh, you fucking rich media creeeeeeeeeeeeeps. Oh, you tax-evadin' friends-a-Jeezis. How dare you draw breath? Any of you? Oooohhhh....... ooh...........uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh ...... glurrrrrpppppp....bleeeaaaaagggghhhh..... Take all your money and give it to the Iraqi civilians who I'm not sure exist, since we never fucking HEAR about them. They never come on on McCNN. Or on Burger Fox. Unless they come up with a kooky sitcom where a nutty Iraqi nuclear family throws yucks back and forth while dodging ordinance and getting into madcap misadventures at roadblocks and relentlessly Product-Placing in EVERY GOD DAMNED SCENE, my keen intuition tells me WE WON'T. You idiots. I guess it would be tough raising advertising bucks with programs that featured THEM. OUR FUCKING BAGGAGE. OUR LEGACY. Whom we will be HEARING FROM SOON ENOUGH.

Then you dried up old foreskins can walk around naked and beg for alms like you deserve.

And I'll do what my hilarious buddy Gerry Kammer used to do in 8th grade- I'll throw a bottle cap in your cup. Ha ha ha. Haw haw. HAW HAW HAW.

So, there ya go. There's my well-reasoned, insightful take on censorship.

I once had a comic where this guy murdered these three fellers and buried them in a swamp. Then they come back and waste him. When they break down his door the scream they make is "Krreeeeegggahhhh". That was awesome. "Kreeeeggaaaaahhhhh!"

2 Comments:

Anonymous Kevin of Devon said...

"Kreeeeggaaaaahhhhh!" Swamp guys get their revenge - had to be a Bernie Wrightson comic. Brilliant.

Hey, and I agree about the clueless assholes who wage culture wars here while they wage real war elsewhere - and can't see (or won't admit to) the stupidity and hypocrisy of both.

We should all be more angry! Like you are!

10:09 AM  
Anonymous bryan said...

You'd better be careful. Stuff like this throws up the red flags at the Team USA Fuck Yeah Anti-Independent Thought Headquarters and some day soon you'll wake up with red dots on your forehead from the silenced MP5s of the Homeland Security Alpha Team Task Force that was sent to detain you and confiscate all of your computer hardware and your pornography (because pornography is EEVVIILL).

Then you'll be transported to Texas where they'll either execute you as a means of setting an example to the rest of the insouciant buggers like yourself, or you'll be forced to undergo their re-education program where you'll learn to write about fluffy bunnies and unicorns and happy shit like that. At least maybe then you'll go to Heaven and get to chill with Baby Cheez-it in the afterlife.

Anyway, you should have a Biggie Size McWhopper and a Sprite and relax a little bit, and you know, stay under the radar for a while. Oh, and whatever you do, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SMOKE ANYTHING NOT MANUFACTURED BY PHILLIP PFIZER-SQUIB or else Big Baby Jeebis will strike you down for being unpatriotic and helping to fund terrorism, which only the government is allowed to do.

Watch your back.

2:13 PM  

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