Hey Assholes It's Me Jesus.

O.K., listen up and listen good you lily-livered fucking Christer weirdos. I'm only going to say this shit once. Don't you think I've got better things to do then lecture to a bunch of FUCKING IDIOTS?? Huh?? Me H. Fucking Me!!

First of all, have you fucking nutjobs ever heard of figurative speech? Have ya ever heard of metaphor? Do I have to go through the whole Dad damn bible for you literalist fucking peabrains and tell you what was meant and what wasn't?? Fuck!! Who on earth is stupider than you??? Oh, my DAD you people are stupid.

Alright. Here we go. Just so we understand each other and so you fucking fundamentalists and evangelicals aren't all surprised when you die and THERE'S NO CHOIR OF FUCKING ANGELS FOR YOUR SORRY ASS.

1. There's no God. Sorry. I lied. I figured I might be able to get people to stop gang raping their neighbor's children for a couple go-rounds. Big fucking mistake. So fucking sue me.

2. There's no heaven. I thought for sure you fucking idiots would be able to figure out, oh, maybe somewhere in the late renaissance that I meant for you fucking shit heels to maybe make THIS life bearable for, oh, ten percent of humanity for starters. Idiots. I am so disgusted.

3. The loaves and the wine and the fish and shit? You think I don't have access to CGI and all that? You think I never filmed in front of a blue screen? You fuck stains? I HATE YOU. You're SO STUPID.

4. Riddle me this, you fucking blue-eyed Jihadists: Where did the 670 bajillion people that were around before I came and (OOPS) spread The Word go when they died? Huh? 'Cuz, y'know, they couldn't Accept Me As Their Personal Savior very well, since I DIDN'T FUCKING EXIST.

Seriously. What's the answer to that shit, yo?

5. Is there anywhere in My Good Book that says you have to be stupid? You guys! You don't have to be such morons to assure yourselves entry into the kingdom of heaven which doesn't exist!!! Is it in Luke, maybe? Does it say, "and Jesus bade them to be dumb of ass and dickish of head that they may inherit the earth". Is it in Proverbs where it says, "and God so loved them for being stupid idiots that he gave them his only son"?

I DON'T SEE IT, LAMBS. What the fuck???

6. What's the deal with this "What Would Jesus Do?" shit?? That shit fucking bugs me. It bugs me bad. What is your fucking problem? Do I go around asking "what would this idiot abortion clinic bomber do?" or "what would this retarded drydrunk stupid president do?" NO I DON'T. Is it too much to ask that you cut that shit out?

I'll tell you what i WOULDN'T do, you piss drinkers. ANYTHING YOU WOULD. BECAUSE YOU'RE PUTRID AND IGNORANT. AND YOU ACT LIKE MY SHIT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO STOP THINKING.

Fuck you! Fuck all of you! I'm getting out of the religion bag. I'm going to start a fucking Big Box retailer. Maybe I'll be able to do some GOOD. Clearly, hanging on a fucking CROSS until I CROAKED LIKE A BUG wasn't ENOUGH for you ASSHOLES.

yeah, yeah------ I can see it now------------ "ChristMart- Name Brands At Discount Prices". Sweet.

Anyway, Y'all be sure and go fuck yourselves now, y'hear?

Love, Jesus.

P.S. A little bird wanted me to just quickly ask you how you can be Pro Life and Pro Death Penalty? You fucking midieval peasant goat-sacrificing nut jobs. Next one a you asks What Would I Do gets a visit from The Studded Strapon Of Turin. And it won't be appearing on a taco. Dickheads. Druids. Monkeyfarts. Whale Hemmorhoids. Occult stools.

Occult stools! ha! drumroll please!

What do you mean you can't do a drumroll on a harp? Faggot.