Bobby Lightfoot's Asshole Celebrity Fight Week #3: I Work The Gallagher Brothers

Yeah, I know I promised the tale of my dust-up with Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots. Two problems- he's not an asshole (believe it or not, he's kind of funny and always has drugs) and it's kind of boring (he won). Th' only reason I even squared off with th' guy is because Courtney Love spread some shit that he caught wind of. Shit like this happens it's usually Courtney's fault.

So when I do my Nice Celebrity Fight Week (Paul Simon, Alan Alda, etc.) we'll cover the Weiland dust-up. Maybe.

THESE pricks, on the other hand- no problem here with Asshole status. Guys are PROFESSIONAL assholes. They're such assholes they're almost cool again. And when Liam says "we're th' most impohhtant bahnd in the weiirld an' we'll be the most fookin' impohhtant bahnd in th' weirrld until I I fookin' sayyy so!" you almost have to like them in a begrudging way.

Well, let me tell you, when these dickholes dropped in on my big gig at th' Mint Supper Club in Hollywood in '00 it was no goddamn joke. You have any idea how much cash it takes to land a gig at the Mint?? How many little David Geffens you have to drop in front of??

No, I guess you don't. You never dreamt of ridin' the Crap Train. That was MY stupid dream. Oops. Well, at least I got to tie these two dicks in a knot, huh?

So my band is up there, man. We're fuckin' PSYCHED. We got some mags out to review us, a label dick head or two. It's a big deal. So when these two cockknockers roll in from a day at A&M Studios and start heckling us it ain't the least bit funny.

At first when Paul pointed 'em out I was kind of pumped. Paul points with his stick. We're about to kick into "Purple Majesty" from our brand new Space Rock Opera album. Hey, isn't that those dudes from Oasis? Yes indeed it is. Maybe they'll let us open for 'em or some crap. What was I thinking?

"Hey," Liam shouts, "why don't you fags play some Stones like a real band!"

I ignore him.

"Yeah, pussies," Noel adds. "Why'nt you play some HETERO music, mannnn?"

That's weak, man. It's clearly time to act.

"Hey, I don't come to your guy's job and tell you how to write shitty third-rate Beatles rip-off songs, do I?" I ask the gentlemen. The crowd loves it. "You guys gonna heckle us you should at least get those eyebrows waxed, you fucking pussies!"

Liam jumps up all pissed but Noel laughs and pulls him back into his chair. "Nice one, tosser!" he yells at me. I figure it's over and we go into our awesome brilliant and non-Beatles derivative song.

So, the people are digging it and we're about to hit th' second chorus zibba-dibba-zibba-dibba-zum-sum when fucking Liam Gallagher runs up to the stage and chucks a beer on me. Bad move, dude. I'm always ready for this kind of shit. I grew up in these motherfucking places. I got the Straplok off the back of my P Bass in a blink and I swing that fucker up from low and catch that prick right in the side of the head.

"Fucking British pussy ripoff artist!" I grunt as Liam flies into the front row tables. It's ugly. People are pissed and he's covered in blood and nachos. British dudes HATE being covered in Nachos and this fuckin' guy blows his STACK. His voice goes up about two octaves and he's yelpin' and shriekin' for his brother who is promptly at his side. "I'm gonna fookin' kill you, bitch!" Liam screams, gathering his composure.

Where are the bouncers you ask? Well, this is Oasis, man. They can't just wade in and break this shit up. They're just standing there like statues, diggity. So Liam and Noel bum rush th' stage and of course TJ and Paul are outta there lickety-split just like they always were when the cards were down.

I swing my bass in a wide arc, bringing it over my head and windmilling it as I think about my next move.

See, if I can kick these guy's asses I'll get some major headlines out of it. Or hush money. Either way it's win-win if I can take 'em.

I let go of the bass and it flies into Noel's gut. He huffs and falls back to the lip of the stage as Liam advances. He grabs a mic stand and curses and swings it at me but I'm on it and I duck and come in under him, tackling his skinny ass and taking him down onto an EV 15" monitor. I grab him by the hair and give his head three good wacks against the side of the monitor, trying to find th' corner. "OOOOWW! OWWW! YOU FUCKIN' COCK!" he yells as I batter him. Then it's stars and moons for me as Noel sucker smacks me with a mic stand base in the back of my head. I fall off of Liam and curl up, trying to get my shit together as the Gallaghers advance on me. Fuckin' hurts and the blood is pretty spectacular. That ain't the end of it though- those fuckers start kicking me in the ribs from both sides. Ow, Christ! I'm glad they're wearing high tops but I can still feel it when one of my ribs on the right side gives. Shit, fuck. Fuckers are enjoying it by this point. The crowd is yelling Oasis! Oasis! which pisses me off no end.

I manage to grab one of Noel's feet and twist it with everything I've got. I catch a break because he falters and then goes down across me onto Liam. I scurry th' fuck out of there, jump up and huck a monitor into the faithless crowd. I'm rewarded with scattered screams as that bad boy connects with some dick or another.

Noel and Liam are comin' in hard now but I'm ready. Ready and steadied with resolve. My head is pounding and my right side is on fire but all I'm gonna need from here on out are fists and feet, man.

I feint towards Liam on th' left but bust out and hit Noel with an ungodly crack in the fucking jaw. Liam tries to grab me but I spin away and around him and feed him 4 quick rabbit punches that get him howling. Noel is advancing on me but I just bring my right leg up and let his own momentum drive him into it. Oof he grunts as my foot is buried in his pasty gut. I bring it up and give him my Cuban heel back and forth across the mug, bam bam bam. I bring it down and swivel on it, bringing my other leg up and over him in a wide arc that connects with his brother's face.

Then it's another roundhouse as I peg Noel with my left foot in the nose. Blood sprays like a fucking geyser from his ruined schnozz and I give him a ring punch right in the back of the head that has him yelping like a li'l Pomeranian. yeah, those fuckers hurt.

I dance away from the derivative duo, bouncing on my toes as I hit my stride. Then it's back in with both fists pumping as I treat them both to a profound shellacking. Liam winds up and I see his fist comin' at me but I duck and he gives that fucker to his own bro in th' chin. Up I come, grabbing their heads and smackin' 'em together like couple coconuts. Then I fall back into kibadachi stance and give Liam a heartbreaker in th' nads with my right foot. It's over for that fuck.

Then I advance on the staggering Noel, grabbing him by the shirt and chuckin' him into th' drums. I yank th' speed lock on Paul's hihats, pull 'em off the stand and pop the fucker on both sides of his head keeerashhh.

Two more a those fuckers and he's nighty night.

I drag both of 'em to the front of the stage by the hair and drop 'em, raising my hands to the crowd, who go nuts.

"SPACE ROCK OPERA, MOTHERFUCKERS," I shout at them. "AVAILABLE ONLINE AND AT TOWER RECORDS!"

Then it's time to load out.