8/07/2006

Ha ha. Bobby Lightfoot's Musician's Friend Equipment Review #1: Th' Matsutashi Schitbox 9000

Oh, Jesus MacChrist, if there's anything that makes me pray for blood in my sputum and a black, black chest x-ray it's those fucking Musician's Friend gear catalog "reviews". If you're a regular here odds are decent you've read one in your time. If you haven't all that means is that you're not a washed-up 40-somethin' tosspot who wants to be Pete Townshend at Leeds without all th' messy setup and tinnitus and traveling.

Oh, Musician's Friend has got our fucking number, sailors and sailorettes. It's a mail order catalerg don't you know and they have brilliantly, brilliantly deduced that the best market for music gear is old tosspots like us who are going to slake their midlife crises not with a Ferrari and a secretary's racing-strip shaved verginia but with some sweet prosumer gear, daddy. Just make sure you hide that bad boy 30W valvestate Brian May signitcher AC294 behind th' Passat so the missus doesn't see and then you have to explain how maybe Bucky should do th' two-year thing.

Dude, I'm telling you- th' actual 19-year-old music stars of tomorrow can't buy this fuckin' stuff. They're no kind of fucking market. They're all out on rooftops and in the street and in crappy basement clubs doing weird, striking shit with distressed computer fuckery that carries very little debt to th' crap you and I like. And it can honestly scare you with its alien jungle rhythms that try your sanity. And That Is How It Should Be.

Actually, fuck it- I'll do this tomorrow. I have to work on th' Cifarelli project. It's only 10:40 PM so I've got a good five hour session in front of me.

This'll tide you over . Notice how in the very first paragraphs references to "the serious adult side of your brain" and how you need a small amp for your geriatric back are already front and center.

"At half volume, this thing set all my basement windows to rattling. Its 300 watts drive that big ol' 15-incher like Barry Bonds smacking a baseball over the fence."

Yeah, then your wife told you to shut up or you could forgot about your bi-annual toss off. Oh, those are some big nights, hey. Oh, you close your eyes and it's just like someone else's life for a minute, right? Or yours, just...like it used to be.

Big ol' 15-incher. Boy, that reminds me of that great Aeriosmith song back in high school. Man, those were some times. When I didn't have to take 500 mg of Zantac before I et pizza.

"This thing blasts out frequencies so low you hear 'em with your teeth."

I might skip my car insurance payment this month and get a Peavey Pageifier that makes all my guitar recordings like some shit from the 70's!

Here at Lightfoot Studios we pride ourselves on being able to unapologetically recreate every fucking yestersound in the book by ourselves thank you very much.


7 Comments:

Blogger Employee of the Month said...

Forget the future swap meet fodder; will Musician's Friend deliver on the thinly-veiled promises inferred, eagerly anticipated, yet achingly never realized from what was written 25 years ago in Mr. Passat's High School yearbook?

Just asking.

11:29 PM  
Blogger roxtar said...

All aspiring musicians should know that the years of study and practice are just wasted time. All you need is that seven string PRS Jesus H. Santana guitar, run through the Allmanizer foot pedal array into the GimmeJimi pre-amp (now with the Unobtanium pitch bending joystick) and all blasting out through the 12 ga. Cobain De-Fleshifier amp, with folded horns and toe trigger.

You'll soon be getting more ass than a toilet seat, or my name isn't Musician's Friend!

6:06 AM  
Blogger Neddie said...

Just make sure you hide that bad boy 30W valvestate Brian May signitcher AC294 behind th' Passat so the missus doesn't see and then you have to explain how maybe Bucky should do th' two-year thing.

Oh, how I larffed!

My MusFriend itch hasn't even tickled at all since I went completely digital. I reached the point, in the gear-collecting racket, where I realized, I have a good mike and a few guitars, and in my computer I have skillions of amp simulators, an entire flippin' symphony orchestra, full jazz band, and every conceivable percussion instrument known to mankind. Plus a complete goddamned 72-track recording studio and full panoply of signal-processing gear.

If I can't make music with that, I should hang up my spikes.

2:35 PM  
Blogger fgfdsg said...

Here at Lightfoot Studios we pride ourselves on being able to unapologetically recreate every fucking yestersound in the book by ourselves thank you very much.

Funnily enough Bobby, I've always thought sampling was pointless and not trying hard enough, and it was only hearing your songs that made me reconsider the possibilities.

Because of my shoulder injury I can't lift a guitar or play a keyboard without being in agony so was trying to find another way of creating music so figured I'd give it a go.

I've sampled the strings from the quartet version of 'Like Dying'. Don't hate me!

8:06 PM  
Blogger Bobby Lightfoot said...

No way, man. That's cool. I can even send you an mp3 with the strings solo'd up if it makes it easier.

8:18 PM  
Blogger fgfdsg said...

Thanks anyway, but it's fine mate. It's more like a jigsaw puzzle and a challenge the way i'm doing it: How do I get the subliminal peaks of that string melody across without dominating the track, or the piano overriding the other rhythms?

I'm dealing with thick layers of textures so I EQ-ued the hell out of it. Now it sounds distant and distorted, and you almost mightn't notice it's there. Fits in perfectly with the theme of memory.

I think I've accidentally created Electronic Sampled Psychedelia. 'Tomorrow Never Knows' with better technology.

I love how your blog brings up all these connections for me. I want the vocals to have that 'whispering in your ear' sound that 'Beautiful Girl (Stay With Me)' has. I'll see if I can figure it out.

8:32 PM  
Blogger fgfdsg said...

You didn't respond to the last couple of emails I've sent re: new jason falkner songs and the Revolver book, so i'm not sure if your address has changed, so I might as well ask you here.

My voice is completely shot with the flu, and I've waited three days to record a vocal for that track but it's just not happening, and I need closure.

Are you interested in being the featured vocalist on the track? If you have the capability to record a simple wave file on your computer of you singing at 96 bpm I can digitally layer it in.

It's a simple pop melody with a lot of repetition in the chorus, so I'm sure you'd nail it in one or two takes, so it'd probably only be 10 minutes work for you.

This isn't a lazy mashup where it's just a vocal from one song over a loop of another. I've thought deeply about links between songs as I was layering. For example the final chorus is 8 sample layers deep, all from different songs, all in tune, and nothing particularly clashing.

If nothing else it'd be an entirely different sort of music experience for you, but if you're busy with your own work or Damn Soulfinger, I understand.

Email me if you're interested.

6:16 PM  

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