An Overview Of Th' Candidates: Nazi Party

Duncan Hunter! Our first feature! Allow me to get this out of the way quickly-

HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA.

That's fucking Mike Myers, you idiots. It's Mike MYERS. yeahhhhhh, babeeee!

Duncan Hunter! Sounds like something you yell when th' dirty bombs are comin' in.

Which they will be! Duncan'll see to it that even MORE people who think monsters are fighting above the clouds will want to kill us. Fuck, that'll be his fucking platform. Duncan Hunter: The Make The Six Remaining People Who Don't Hate Us Hate Us President. Fucked up, venal, evil, corrupt shit bag. Go fuck yourself. Go start a corporation with th' cash you made selling your infant children to th' charnel house. Pig.

You're last on the list for my next dinner party, pig.

Final analysis: funny in So I Married An Ax Murderer

Good point: when you say his name six times fast it turns into "dumb cunt hummer".

Heyyy- now Giulani could be a swell president. He's almost fucking batty enough. His is one of the few faces to not benefit from dimples. 'Tis a face only a fire extinguisher could love. Ugly, crazy, fucked-up bastard. At least his teeth is white.

Giuliani. Jesus, what the fuck would he do? What would his contribution to the Rape Of Columbia be? Oh, I'd be all a-flutter just to see. Fucking asshole would probably invade Sweden searching for Osama Bin Larsson he's so stupid and misguided and bad. The shit that's going to come out about this fucking guy is going to be some funny stuff. I don't think we've scratched the surface of The Madness Of Rudi.

Oh, yes, please, America- give us Giuliani for President between votin' for the New American Idol and seeing what a bunch of fucking peasants you can be.

I propose a new Amendment to th' Constitution: The Right To Fucking Kill Giuliani.

Final Analysis: At least they got the fire on his face out before it spread to his belly.

Good points: You wouldn't have to put his picture on th' bottom of your shoe. It's already there.


Ladies and gentlemen I give you President Jim Gilmore! Ha ha ha ha! dIS AM FUN!!

Look- he's answering the question, "how many quintillions of American tax dollars will you spend fomenting terrorism in th' Middle East so Corporations can clean up?"

Jim Gilmore! Fucking guy has like twelve TV monitors set up in his lair, each trained on a different prison cell in Guantanamo so he never has to stop masturbating with a filthy loofa. Whoa, technolergy is sweet!

Jim Gilmore. Wow. It's come to this. I'm sure I'd like to raise a son who'd grow up to be like Jim Gilmore. Then I'd know I'd failed on a Grand Scale and could Maybe Be Famous.

Why don't we just get a fucking jump on this shit and have Satan for president? Wait- he's not Presidential because he's not evil enough and fucking corrupt enough and doesn't have green enough fucking teeth like all these fucking stormtrooping brownshirt rodent-devouring- and- fucking right wing Arbeit Macht Frei shit bags. On to the fucking Bastille, my brothers!

Final Analysis: Yeah, Jim's your man. He'll make sure there's a bible in every motel room and free toilet paper for whites.

Good point: Has big enough tits to maybe cop breast cancer.



Gee willickers, Mr. McCain! Are you supposed to do that to your own cattle?

Christ, John. Just...Christ. John, it looks like you were created by th' Vampire Focus Group and they scanned yer face off a fucking ten dollar fucking bill with 3 dpi resolution.

Go, John McCain! I'm sure you're a real Patriot if'n your definition of Patriot is somebody who hires six crystal-methed-out hookers and then spents five sleepless days and nights making sure not a single blackhead remains on a one of 'em.

John McCain might very well spell th' End Of America, my friends. Vote McCain. Oh, he'll roll back those tax breaks. Oh, yes. He'll get us on the path to nat'l healthcare. He'll make sure our children receive quality education. Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, President McCain will reinstate Habeus Corpus. Hee hee. That's a fun parlor game- pick a right-wing shitbag contender and say the things they'll do for the country. Oh, you'll be rolling.

McCain won't sell our three remaining freeways to fucking Luxembourg so he can have 50 fucking Learjets. God, I hate these fucking shit bags.

Final Analysis: his words have a half-life of 10,000 years, so toxic is he a fella.

Good point: will die really soon. Then Vice President Damien could see out th' term.




Huckabee! Oh, I definitely do NOT heart Huckabee. Why? Well, I'll tell you: he's what flies out of the mouths of tobacco chewers, that there's why. They did a whole feature about it on the "News".

They'll swear him in and he'll be like where's the fuckin' Button? Where's the Button? You know how that one sick pube used to get cats and disembowel them? Bill Frist, yeah. Him.

Huckabee followed around behind him playing games with and devouring th' cat entrails when Frist was done wrapping them about his nethers and cackling.

Cackling, people.

Final Analysis: He'd be a really good president except on full moons.

Good point: jowly people look funny when they lie.



Milt Romney! Android Mormon Squirrel Hunting Abomination President!

He got his name "Mitt" because his many wives like to strap on and wear him like a glove! Airtight, baby!

Oh, things'll be spiffy in Mitt's America. Sure they will. American Idol will change format and the winner will be the kid who can throw the most brown babies up in th' air and catch them on a bayonet.

We'll annex th' Sudetenland and then it'll be on to Poland and Czechoslovakia. Nice. That fucking human stain Pat Dollard'll be his own personal Leni Reifenstahl! Triumph of Th' Will II- This Time It's Personal.

Final Analysis: Maybe Kevorkian got out of th' slammer at an opportune time. Hey Jack, Mitt's terminal! Help him, help him.

Good point: Multiple First Lady Cat Fights in th' "media".



Ron Paul! Yes! Although his sis Ru would be even more presidential.

Can you imagine this hideous lump of ochre putrescence (yeah, I love me the Poe- they hadn't outlawed it yet when I was in school) as President?

'Course, I remember saying that about Dribbles.

Ron Paul is harmlessly hateful in a Reagan sort of way where he chuckles around and scratches his ass and all of a sudden you're paying 70% in taxes so his granddaughters can skate on an icerink made of frozen Liberian infants. And you feel a weird compulsion to thank him. That's a Republican for you!

They're like vacuum cleaner salesmen but the vacuums they sell only suck up Goodness.

Final Analysis: hey, what the fuck! If you want a president who only has one pair of underwear Ron's yer fella!

Good points: has tattoo of an ass on his ass.


Sam Brownback! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Final analysis: Hhhhhaaaaa ha ha ha ha.

*cough* *gurble gurble*

This is the only fucking pissdrinking Republican whose teeth are fucking yellower than that sick piece of rancid offal with th' Makaka thing. George. Seriously, google these guys pictures sometime. You'd think with all the cash they suck into their gross mandibles from th' Puppy Fur Coat industry they could afford a fucking whitening.

Look at his face. What is he thinking?? Here's my guess: "I'm going to give this photographer chick a Journey Mix Tape and beg, beg, beg her to tap me w/ the catalytic converter from a '95 Mustang."

Heck, drink enough blood and you get what you get.

Final analysis: Six parts shit, four parts shit.

Tancredo! Jesus! Fuck!
Who in their right fucking mind would ever, ever vote for this fucking evil cum stain?????

Woah! 'Mericans! That's who! Because 'Mericans think oranges are laid by big orange hens and Jesus has enough spare time to make sure his swarthy likeness makes it onto plenty of toast! Yes indeed!

And you and I gets to live amongst them and fight, fight, fight for the right to not have our children ground into hamburger that believes in walkin' on water and Santa!

Wait- Santa's O.K. until age 23.

Anyway, this fucking guy doesn't deserve to sweep the streets, much less run for president, but then, who of these repulsive, evil, conniving, corrupt fuckfaces really does????

Final Analysis: Somebody tell Mark D. Chapman that this guy is Lennon reborn. Please.

Good point: if he is Lennon reborn maybe th' Beatles can open for The Police this summer. That'd be a show 'n' a half! They'd all get up at th' end and do "One" by u2. There'd be like 40 thousand fucking cell phones waving.

Wait, that's not a good point at all, is it?



Woah! Little Tommy Thompson! Tommy likes musical theatre, long walks on the beach with young boys and teabaggin' to the oldies!

And, problematically, lying about it.

Christ, if he'd only just come clean. Then we could have our first gay president, never mind the fact that he'd still fucking kneecap anyone who makes less'n 1 mil. a year and doesn't think Baby Jeezus made th' universe out of fucking jujubees picked off th' bottom of theatre seats.

Final analysis: repulsive shit bag who can't be honest with himself even when he's tonguing adolescent male Burmese.

Good point: he wouldn't touch Angela Merkel at th' G8.