Smoke Rings

Holy cow, what's going on at Chalkhills? Whew. I don't go there much but I'm on you guys's email list and I'm watchin' something fly. Not sure what.

Apparently there's this guy Eamonn Pasternak who sounds like a first rate fucknut.

And there's this nice-sounding Brit named Dove who's had it.

All I can really think to say is hey, if ya like XTC, I can't imagine how you could possibly like guns. That's sort of like bein' in the Third Reich and having a soft spot for Jews, you know?

Or lovin' cock and hating men.

Which, from what I can surmise, might be just about what's up with this Pasternak character.

I mean, how could guns possibly be a good idea? What are those for? Oh, yeah- killing folks. I forgot. See, killing folks isn't big on my daily agenda. How could that be something you could be all up in and shit?

Unless you're a fucking blithering moron?

In which case, hey, they probably are a good idea. Just remember- the little hole at the end is supposed to face you. Not the bunny rabbit.

Hey, Eamon- what th' Christ? Dude, if you need a loan or some weed or something whyn't you just say something? It's Chalkhills, man.

And Holy Shit, now- who's this Mormon now? With the prying the gun from her cold dead hands and that? Is that a chick? I couldn't tell. There's like two names. Oh, it's extra-scary with the ladyfolk.

you're on Chalkhills? What th'?

Man, Partridge would fuckin' hate you. You'd have a conversation of like two sentences and the guy would like brain you.

And he doesn't go in much for that crap. Unlike me. I'm big, big, big on th' braining. Of people who love guns.

Unless they're kids. Kids always love that crap. Hmmmm. That's edumacational.

What the fuck is happening to the neighborhood over there at Chalkhills? Jeez, I useta post there in like the '90's but I got out because I'm kind of an asshole and I didn't want to be one there.

Holy crap! Compared to these people I'm like St. fucking Francis. Man.

Yeah, I'm missing something. I have to be missing something. People who love guns can't possibly like XTC. It's profoundly illogical. Don't you realize these guys would think you were total fucking tools?

I think you guys must be thinking about another XTC. Yeah, that's it- there's some lame bowhunter band of flyover muslims in like Kansas called XTC and they're like a total tool band and you guys think you're posting to their list.

No, see, this is actually this band from England that has always been great and they would think you were huge dongs. Chambers might find you mildly amusing, I guess.

Man, I was in love with this chick in high school and she thought I was a weiner? Hey, it's O.K., man- eventually I got over it and stopped posting on her list, you know? When I realized she thought I was a dick?

Mm-hmm?

See, I could never listen to a band that if I met them they would think I was a dick? I mean, there are some of these dudes from O.K. bands that I met and they were sort of assholes, but hey, they're supposed to be. But, see, if they thought I was a big fistula I probably would stop listening to them.

And trust me, XTC? Jesus. Oh, man.

You'd be like at Colin Moulding's house for a party? And Andy Partridge would be there and who else, oh, John Leckie. And yeah, Harold Budd would be there and he'd have like this killer hash and they'd all be smoking out and listening to like the Beefheart box set one speaker at a time? But not all of them would be smoking out. But they'd be, like, completely cool about it, you know?

You'd be hanging out and these two security guys would show up. They'd be super-polite and they'd usher you from the premises and put you on a bus to like fucking Abilene. Sweet. Your hearts would be broken! I know mine would in a situation like that. I mean, one minute you're hanging out with these great musicians and writers and artists that you admire and the next minute you're at the Wal-Mart in fucking Kankakee but all would not be lost, because their gun selection is impressive. But it has to be, see, because otherwise we won't all fucking

KILL EACH OTHER SOON ENOUGH FOR KARL ROVE TO FEAST ON OUR MOTHERFUCKING ENTRAILS. AND GLEEFULLY BUGGER OUR CHILDREN WHILE THEY CRY MOMMY DADDY MOMMY.

Man, I gotta say. It's hard when shit like that happens. There was this guy in my band who was all over drugs and whoring and everything, and he was a republican. I'm serious- he was all into Bush and that. And we were at this christmas party at our manager's and I was all psyched because there was a million cool people and professional contacts there that I wanted to schmooze. When I was all about that.

And this fucking guy is spouting this stuff and it's all lost to me. And I'm like "dude, the Reagan stuff is just NOT going to fly here," and he doesn't get it and I'm like, "dude, did it ever dawn on you that Reagan would HATE you and want to see you do HARD TIME??"

And he just didn't see it that way. Trust me, dude- Reagan didn't hang around with the People Of The Glass Pipe very often. Not his style.

So, anyway, where was I?

Oh, yeah- that's what you guys are doing. I'm just telling you so you can save yourself some embarassment down the road if you're ever invited to a Swindon Shindig. And like Patti Smith and Andy Summers and Bobby Lightfoot are there.

I mean, if I'm there, I'll keep it quiet about you guys, you know? I'm not that much of a dick. But it's going to get out and if you fuck it up for me? You know? If you start pulling that fucking American shit? That fucking American crap that people just ain't up for in this day 'n' age?

Oh. Ohhh. It will NOT be pretty. There'll be nothing but faint marks on the carpet when the polite security comes to usher you out. Because I will eat you in one gulp and

BLOW SMOKE RINGS WITH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SOULS.

with that fucking crap you're always on about.


Don't you want people to like you? Because boy, I'm like the coolest guy you could ever want to meet? I have a trillion utterly insane stories but I want to hear yours too, you know? I mean, I write cool songs and play instruments like they were growing on me? I've like, been everywhere on the planet and I have a double major in music and th' political history of the Mideast? I've, like, pulled cell phones off of fresh corpses and called the federales in the middle of San Felipe? And I'll make you laugh until you have to excuse yourself and go find the bathroom?

And I'm always on the tip with like the coolest, craziest new sounds?

And I think you're dicks.

Man, that has to have a heavy sting. A heavy, heavy sting.

That has got to be the face of your father in the window when that windowpane is kicking in.