Holy Fucking Christ! It's Bobby Lightfoot's Cosmo Articles #3!!

SURPRISE YOUR HANDSOME HUNK IN TH' BEDROOM!

That's right, Cosmo Girl! How you gonna land that Special Someone now ya done reeled him in? A fella needs variety! Surprise! Passion!

To this end I give you:

Ten Things To Do In Th' Sack What He's Never Seen Before!

It's Valentine's, little misses! You gotta toe the polesmokin' line! Here's ten little love tricks he's never seen before! Blow his mind!

1. Shove his dick in your ear.
2. Shove your ear up his ass.
3. Suck his pancreas.
4. Shove your ass in his ear.
5. Suck his eyeballs.
6. Surprise him with the ancient oriental "Q-tip Up The Urethra" move.
7. Yank his armpit hair out and shove it in your ear.
8. Yank your ear off, wrap it in armpit hair and RAM it up his ass.
9. Shove a Q-tip up his urethra, wrap an ear around it, take out your pancreas and RAM it up his ass.
10. Shove his ass into his armpit, jam a Q-Tip up his ass, tie his urethra around his armpit hair with his pancreas, shove his eyeball into his ear and drip straight hydrochloric acid on his dick.

And THAT, my friends, is some uptown fucking humor.