Woah! Your Whoreoscope!

Jiminy Fucking Christmas on Rye with Provolone! Let's slap up some shit quick and move th' Sad Sackery on down th' page! Fuck! Let's get th' pity party on down a ways what ya say! Woooo-hoooo! Life's a fucking party, yeah?

So, here's what's in store, fumapolios!

AQUARIUS- 1.20-2.20:

Hey, punkin! The sooner you stop faking the sooner he'll leave like you want. Plus, he doesn't care! You're singing your Carmen aria to a brick wall! 'Nuff said!

PISCES 2.20-3.21:

Yo, you've got a lump th' size of a quava in yo' brain! That's why th' headaches. You're weeks from going tits-up, citizen.

ARIES 3.21-4.20:

That cute, quiet guy in your C++ workshop who keeps staring at you? Well, he wants to wear your skin like a mink stole. Take it as a compliment.

TAURUS 4.21-5.21:

I see five hiballs. I see an offramp. I see a spleen.

GEMINI 5.21-6.21:

You'll go blind this year. Don't worry, though- it's not from th' compulsive cawkspankin'. It's time to explore Porn On Tape. Heh heh.

CANCER 6.21-7.23:

Irony of ironies! Holy mutating polyps! Don't bother with a second opinion. You're fuckoed. Time to finish that rock opera, canus.

LEO 7.23-8.23:

Your mother wishes you would die. Your father wishes she would die. Your sister wishes he would die. It's like a Hat Trick Of Hatred!

VIRGO 8.23-9.23:

Th' polar ice caps are melting. Just for you. They're not melting for any other astrological sign. What do you think of that, bitch?

LIBRA 9.23-10.23:

On the day that you were born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true. So they sprinkled moondust in your hair etc. etc.

Then they hit you with that micropenis.

Which will fall off this year.

And no one will notice.

SCORPIO 10.23-11.22:

It's The Three B's for you, cocko: Burst Blood Vessel.

Prepare to list to the right for the rest of your natural life. And to pee yourself daily. Yay. You'll look like a Dick Tracy villain. Ain't life grand.

SAGITTARIUS 11.23-12.22

Funny- you never really gave The Jaws Of Life much thought one way or th' other, did you? And you didn't give at the Annual Jaws Of Life Charity neither, huh? And there you are.

You can't digest a steering wheel, Scrooge.

CAPRICORN: 12.23-1.20:

Woah! It's Bobby Lightfoot's sign! Do I have to tell you how utterly PLOWED you are?

I thought not.