Look, I need to explain a couple of things.

Yeah, every now and then I get the ol' Head Case call from people because of my blog. Don't get me wrong; I could give a flying fuck what anyone thinks.

Actually, that's not true. I care about every opinion. I'm only human.

But there's always a reason people get why they get. And if I seem a little, um, angry, then maybe there's good reason.

And maybe, just maybe, it's healthy to have an outlet for that that doesn't involve kicking dogs or yelling at children, all right? Or getting stinking drunk every day.

What needs to be noted, and what the cognocenti may actually already suspect, is that it is always the farthest fall that hurts the most. Me, I was always a person of supreme idealism, generosity, open-mindedness. It's all still in there, man. I'm always surprised by how small the stimulus needed to bring that back out is.

People who feel the most hurt the most, baby. People who love the most gotta stay brave and keep doing it even when they get a slap. That's what your Jeezis said, right? And not everyone needs the threat of hellfire to act compassionately and morally.

Some of us do it just because. I know it's a kooky koncept. Some people go throw sandbags on levees and rebuild homes just for the sheer fuck of it. Some people dedicate themselves to a life of artistic ascetisism, essentially making a vow of poverty, because they look around and they maybe think they could do some good by creating beauty out of thin air instead of raping the planet for a buck or 8 zillion.

But sometimes the downside of that for people is that it's stressful. And stress can engender anger. And anger's just a thing, you know? Everybody gets it. It's what you do with it, man. It's what you do with it.

Listen to my god damn music. Like it or hate it, it's so innocent, man. It's so idealistic. It says, hey, I believe in you and your intellect and maybe you could use something really pretty and really romantic and really innocent for what ails you.

I'm not pissed off because I don't get to be fucking Sting, man. I'm pissed off because children die while fat fucks light cigars with million dollar bills. I'm not pissed off because I don't get laid. I'm pissed off because there's enough for everyone if we play our cards right. And we don't play our cards right. And I'm not angry because I've decided to get by with the minimum to make my footprint smaller, man. I'm angry because it seems like every resource that I decline to use gets snapped up and turned into landfill by some fucking corporation. It's a choice, man. I could put on a tie tomorrow and quadruple my income but I don't. It's a fucking choice and you don't get angry about choices.

I'm your dark side. I'm going to hold myself up to you so you can see, baby. I consider it my job. You don't like seeing it, do you? Of course you don't. But that's not going to stop me. If you think I'm just using this keyboard to whack off it's on you.

Now, I want you to tell me why a person of such self-professed sensitivity would come up with shit like Retarded Fuckface Jesus. I mean, that's just uncalled-for, right? You know it, I know it.

Hey, guys- Jesus wants me to do Retarded Fuckface Jesus. What you "Christians" have done with his deal is just well-nigh sick. You've turned your Jesus into an illness. Jesusitis.

Let me tell you a quick story. Once in California I fell for a girl hard. It was always tough for me in California because man, I was lonely and I was fighting a fight every day. I didn't really ever have a life there. It was just ten years of trench warfare for me.

And I met this girl at a club in Pacific Beach one night and she was really sweet and her friend was drunk and I put my 400 dollar Armani blazer over her shoulders while she puked her incipiently alcoholic guts out in the fucking parking lot. It happens, right? Judge not, right? And I fell hard for this girl (the first one, not th' puking one) and we started going out and it was great. She had such a sweet disposition and she made me feel protective and strong and everything a man should feel like. All the shit that makes a guy feel good and needed. And I was like man, a guy could really put something into something like this.

And I remember when her dad and his wife renewed their vows on the beach and we all went and it was great and the minister was funny and touching and gayer than a 50-piece orchestra of Rufus Wainwrights, man. It was so great because I was like man, these people are really open-minded and accepting.

I really don't know why it took a couple of months to find out they were into th' Christian thing really, really big. I don't know what set it off. Maybe it was some comment my girl made about gays. Maybe it was when I'd heard the word "nigger" a couple of times. When you're in love some shit will roll off your back until there's been two, three, four things and you have to man up and get off your cloud and find out what's up.

It must have been the gay thing, man. I think that's what it was. She said something really toxic about gays and I was like but what about the guy that did the ceremony for your dad and his wife? What are you talking about? she said. And I said, man, that guy was super, super gay. And she was shocked and said there was no way and how would I know anyway. And I told her I'd always had good play with the gays because I like to dress well and I look really cool and put-together and I get a lot of propositions and I know the vibe.

And she was actually really angry about it, that I'd intimate this preacher was gay because it's wrong to be gay because it's against god and all that. So the Christer thing came out big which really wasn't a big deal to me at first. I've met all kinds, man. I just want to know if you're nice.

See, I grew up in a dozen countries on a dozen continents and I had to get my head straight fast about that shit because I was always th' nigger, man. I was always the guy from that country that's always going around undermining regimes and making poor people die so I wasn't a big draw, you know? And I figured out that stuff that Jesus said about all that when I was still in th' single digits and it worked for me because it's true shit.

And I always thought fast and picked up the language fast because I was a guest, man. And I'm a chameleon now. I can hang with anybody. And not judge them. I was the guy in school who had some stoner friends, some jock friends, some nerd friends. And when you'd tell me that wasn't done I just didn't get it.

But you nouveau Christians aren't getting it. You're not getting it. And I keep running into you and I keep running afoul of you and it hurts me. See, I could hang when my little girlfriend told me I was going to Hell, you know? I could laugh it off because I'm not going to hell. Because there is no hell. Studies have been done. It's all rock and magma 'til you get to China, my friends. But when she told me my mom was going to hell and that all gays where going to hell I just couldn't hang, man. It made me really sad and angry.

Pick your Jesus, man. Pick your fucking Jesus, you guys. If you pick Retarded Fuckface Jesus instead of Tending To Lepers Jesus it's on you, man. If you pick Retarded Fuckface Cheney Jesus or Retarded Fuckface Exxon Jesus it's on you, man. Don't you dare make me feel bad. Don't you fucking dare. Because I will bring Retarded Fuckface Jesus to your church and to your youth group and your dinner table where you sit around and snort about homersexuals and niggers and I will hold your mouth open and I will breath your Retarded Fuckface Jesus into your lungs and I'll keep doing it for the rest of my life and maybe you'll get the hint. Let me put it in terms that you can understand; he came to me in a vision, alright? A vision. And I was told to do Retarded Fuckface Jesus and to rub your noses in your ridiculous, ridiculous hipocrisy.

And you think it's a parlor game? Man, I could go have a drink. I don't have to do Retarded Fuckface Jesus. I could jack off to Paris Hilton, man. I will hold your deal up to you in all its ugliness until maybe some day three or four of you start thinking for yourself. And you'll hate me and that hurts but there it is.

I don't care what you believe. Believe what you want. But it's hurting people. It's hurting the world really badly and I have to work against that. When your Jesus gets wrapped up in foreign policy and you keep taking Karl Rove's bait and facilitating lies and murder and poverty it is so fucking on you, man. Why are you letting that happen? You're not stupid. Profoundly, tragically, intellecually lazy, but not stupid. And I'm supposed to respect that?

Let me make this incontrovertably clear:

I'll die and I'll go up in smoke and my ashes will scatter and bring up a fucking petunia or two. Don't you realize how beautiful that is? How you have to make your mark now? You can't possibly believe that you can do a little ceremony and you go to hebbin no matter how many aspersions you cast on people that aren't like you. It's so arrogant and so pat and so harmful.

Stop hurting me. I'm a sensitive guy. Start thinking. Is there any love in your hearts?

I'm not going to stop.

As of this week it is policy that George Bush is a criminal. This man is the most dangerous thing to happen to our country since I don't know what. He's dangerous because he's stupid and intellectually lazy and simple-minded and all these smart, evil people whisper in his ear and he puts out his pudgy, mean little hand and signs things that kill people.

Don't listen to me. Look at Katrina. Oh, yeah- never mind. It's lazy niggers. Sorry. Look at the Middle East.

Do you have a BA in Mideast Area Studies? I do. I do, man. That makes me just a little qualified to say that what we're doing there is an abomination. And a bad, dangerous idea.

Jesus isn't going to come after Armageddon. You're staking the planet on this Easter Bunny shit. And a lot of people that I love live here. Gays. Niggers. Children.

And here's the example that I'm going to set for you: that girl that hurt me and shut me out of her life because I can't hate people who are different? I'm still going to love her. I'm going to love her every day even if she said she'd pray for me and I started getting all this toxic, wierd religious shit in my mailbox.

And when some friend of hers starts blowing chunks in a parking lot because she's so fucking tanked she can't even remember how to hate people because Retarded Fuckface Jesus told her to?

I'm still going to be there with my Armani blazer. That my mom who's going to hell gave me.


Th' Bobby Lightfoot Political Activism Knowledge Repository: Save Th' Fucking Sea Otters, Bitch, Or I'll Fuck You Up.

Sweet, that looks fun. Being all fucking covered with oil and shit. Look- he's actually laughing at th' fun of it. Weee, I'm helping out th' Bush Klan.

Take six cents out of Buffy's dividend check now.

Or just kick the shit out of the next person you see who profits from this. Your call, man.


A Brief Lesson In Electromechanical Engineering.




All right? You get th' idea? Check 'er out:




O.K.? You with me? Let's take this conceit out for a ride, maldroogs. Let's see how she corners on th' Post-ironic Superhighway...













Any questions?