Campaign War Chests Of Th' Lesser-Known Candidates!

Raised one eight ball of coke and $239.98



















Six potatoes, two cups of vodka, one-half cabbage.

















Six clitorises.











One rotten bird, two mouse heads, hairball.













53 dollars.
















two trillion dollars, eight pints of "man gravy"





















Three cell phones, one tongue stud, five thongs.











Six Liv-A-Snax, Four cat turds.

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Antidotes To Their Various Poisons

Mix a paste of mineral water and baking soda. Apply directly into the ear canals and allow to dry.












A long, hot shower is administered followed by two hours of reading Das Kapital or Leviathan. At the end of this period the ears are boxed three times with sufficient force to dislodge remaining shit from brain.











Treat for shock; standard antitoxicity procedure for rabid rat attack. If testicles are iced they can be reattached by a surgeon.

Magic circle has been proven effective as a deterrent.

Six years of intensive talk therapy is suggested as a follow-up.
















DickCheneyOff is available in most CVS pharmacies.

In a pinch, eighteen Epi-Pen syringes may be applied to th' forehead













Induce vomiting; standard intensive insulin delivered in I.V.

Protracted bedrest in darkened room.

Rectal examination to ascertain presence of polyps.







600 days strict bedrest.

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Behind Th' Music

Mostly because I wanted to be able to effin' hear it I made this vocal/acoustic guitar/organ mix of "An Easy Winter".

I just want to be able to hear all th' vocals that take a million hours to track and then subsequently disappear in th' mist.

There's a section at the end of the last verse that is nine parts thick. It's cool.

I'm telling you. About one and a half people including me will be really excited about this

Man you GOTTA WATCH OUT

- If you laugh at "Sex And Th' City"- your junk falls off.

-If you laugh at two TV ads in a week- junk falls off.

-If you tell a girl you're her religion to hit it- junk falls off.

-If you BUY ANY PRODUCT LESS THAN 6 HOURS AFTER SEEING AN AD FOR IT- off.

-If you look forward to your job for a week running and you're not a musician or a gyno- off.

-If you buy a cd by a) Heart, b) Pat Benatar (she's so bluesy now) or c) Lifehouse- off it goes.

DUDE SOMETIMES IF THEY'RE IN A GOOD MOOD THEY'LL ACCEPT A FINGER BUT YOU CAN'T COUNT, COUNT, COUNT ON THAT!!! AND THEY MAKE YOU DEBASE YOURSELF. DON'T BE A FUCKING CHODE!!!!!!

Robert Lightfoot's Poetry Week #3: Me 'n' Ned

Me 'n' Ned


Ned's more prone to reasoning and ratiocination
Me, I like to brag on frequency of masturbation
He might tell you clever stuff and give you reading tips
Me, I'm glad that I've still got both my childbearing hips

He's got the hair, I've got th' height
We shared th' brains between us
But if I recall from swimmin' holes
He has th' larger penis

Some day I'm sure he'll be th' old folks home's best fuckin' dancer
Reckon I'll go at fifty or so from lung or bladder cancer

He has living proof that all his soldiers are still swimmin'
But I've had weirder sex with far more questionable women

I've met Snoop and Flea and ducked the flying walls in Northridge
But he's on first-name terms with someone talented- A. Partridge

He says shit that gives you hope, I write fucked-up shit on dope
About th' nun that phoned the Pope and healed up all her cartlidge

I've got polyps in my throat, he got stitched up 'hind his scrote
He got surg'ry up his hole, I've got scars about my soul

I love that fuckin' goddamn dude
And I care not who knoweth
And any who takes offence thence
Upon my sac may bloweth