a moonlit walk on the silvery beaches of the long-lost isle of Fecos

I was curious to see how far I was willing to push the boundaries of bad taste for yucks and I discovered it. I had this other Hitler post here that was really pretty funny but the joke was predicated on a title that seemingly agreed with the Final Solution. So it had to go.

I took it down because you wouldn't get the joke without reading the small print and for all I know the first punter who looks at my blog had a grandparent who sucked Zyklon B. And that would make me part of the problem, and not funny.

Don't get me wrong- there will be plenty more work involving eating infants and buggering corpses and biting off testicles and stuff. I promise.

Just...tastefully. Posted by Hello


pauls not dead

after all that i bet he's the last one standing. I bet a schnapps he outlives me. Posted by Hello


so this dude goes back to 1928 in a time machine...

...and he goes to Germany and pops a cap in Hitler's fuckin' ass.

Problem is, Hilter survives and is nursed back to health by a kindly old Jewish doctor and his kind family. So Hitler changes his tune about the whole Final Solution thing and instead becomes a big, dishy midwife with a lisp and lives to be 90.

So the guy who capped his ass is stuck in jail for life and he's all, "the guy was going to start a world war and kill millions of innocent people and fuck all this shit up." And the German police and shit are all like, "Ja, ja, ach du lieber...You're up for parole in like 25 years arschloch."

Then in like 25 years he gets out on parole and goes to England and starts The Beatles. But the Beatles suck because the social conditions that bred them are all different and they're like total fairies and wet. Their songs are all gay because Liverpool never had to take a pounding from the Loofthansa. And Brian Epstein is straight and gets them into wedding work 'cause that's where the money is and they get to be 40 and they're all "what about _our_ songs, man? The world needs to know the music of Lennon and McCartney! But it's Disco by then and they cut these really hurting disco songs with George Harrison playing bad Carl Perkins guitar.

Also since they're kind of wet they never fired Pete Best so he's still lameing around and he does all this blow.

But at least John gets to be 73. And George is such a poof that he never smoked ciggies or weed and he doesn't gett offed but rawther lives to 90 and still gets into the Indian shit only no one cares.

And Paul ends up starting a chain of hairdressing salons around Liverpool and a new one out in Speke, and he has six kids. John (and Stuart Sutcliffe who also doesn't die 'cause he never gets kicked by teddies because he's too much of a limper) do this weak ass Elvis band thing at weddings and collect dole.

Rory Storm and the Hurricanes, on the other hand, with Ringo on the skins, ascend to international stardom and lead a world youth movement that ignites a generation......

and thus is born Hurricanemania.

And 20 years later, they still have the Travelling Wilberrys but they're the Wandering Pillsburys and it's Roy Orbison, Bob Dylan (who never went electric), Phil Collins and the singer from Chicago and Rory Storm on fretless balalaika and tiple.

I was going to put a picture of the guy here but I did a search for "old guy with moptop haircut" and nothing came up so sorry.

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words of christ in red

I'm not of a religious bent. sometimes when I'm writing music I think I feel something but that's about it. and that's usually just the warm urine of ennui flowing down the pantsleg of my psyche. i can't get real excited about it one way or another.

if you're not a prayin' feller, you have to realize it's like watching a huge national debate on Santa Claus.

i'm not concerned about an afterlife. i can't think of any way that it wouldn't be a drag because there would be people there and you know what happens then.

if i could just get a good long life and then be dust i'd be great with that. I'd take that over going at 55 and realizing Health Insurance and the environment are all fucked up in the afterlife, and there's T.V. and driving.

When my elders and betters get religion it's always very disappointing to me because it feels like they've been where I'm going and that's the best it had to offer. Fuck that. Jesus must be so fucking pissed. It would be ugly if he came back and went all biblical on exactly the people who deserve it, the people who fuck each other over in his name. They'd be, like, "Wuh? Uhhhhh....uuuhhh...." because he'd be all up in their shit. They'd be all like, "but jay-zis...jay-zis (you know how they say it) why are you...uhhh...kicking my...uhhh...ass all over and such? Why art thou verily up in my face and throwing down on my devout buttocks?"

they'd be all, "jay-zis, jay-zis where in thy Good Book doth it say i must endure such a shellacking from the son of Man? Uhhh...uhhhh....uhhhh...."

and jeezis would smote them, yea, about the balls and such. and there would arise such a thunderous Hugh and kry in the land as the sound of ten million nuts swinging one into the other with force and great pain and wailing resultant of said swinging. And yea, boobs too would not go unsmoten, for in the land the women of the forest have also turned to the ways of Monsanto. And thus it would be for ten times ten thousand years. A swinging, slapping, groinal striking painfest from which one minute's respite would be the only Rapture.

and jeezis would be all shouting stuff from the bible and his words would be in red.
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someone had to say it.

That's how I justify most of my humor. Posted by Hello

Gentlemen it pains me to report that Maroon 5 does not suck.

Boy, this happens every now and then and it makes things complicated. It would be so much simpler if huge commercial phenomena would be consistent in sucking instead of doing so 99% of the time. I went through this with coldplay and Radiohead, too.

Don't get me wrong- these guys will probably not move popular music out of the red on the suck-ometer. That would require a few things that I, for example, would provide if anyone gave a fuck about my brilliance. They would need to:

A) Sing about the war. Y'know? In Iraq? Like, now? This across-the-board ignoring of social and political issues in pop music is really fucking bugging me. I guess it's because the time between getting a record deal and releasing the record is so long that anything topical is ancient history by the time it comes out. And social commentary test-markets really badly.

B) Drop the uptempo funk stuff. Just be a total makeout band. They rule on the smoldering stuff and on the guitar pop, but "Harder To Breathe" and "This Love" are not their strongest suit. They sure are huge hits, so there's that, but so was that hideous twat Ashley Tampon's shit. I could see these guys putting out a more Marvin Gayeish, more Al Greenish record.

C) Be a little less boring. When they hit it, like on "She Will Be Loved" and "Sunday Morning", they hit it hard. I might not have listened enough (come on, it's not "London Calling") but several songs seem to just sort of slip by.

D) Continue your lessons at the feet of Stevie Wonder. They are bearing fruit.

Some of the other songs are quite good; "Must Get Out" would slay me if I was 15, and "Secret" sounds like someone got their hands on a copy of "Talking Book". So does "Sweetest Goodbye". Would that _that_ happened more often.

Anyway, I dig the interplay, I dig the acoustic piano and real keyboards, I dig the expensive chords that issue henceforth, I dig the melodic gift of whoever writes the songs, and "She Will Be Loved" is an admirable piece of work. The singer is very good and isn't a pussy about having an emotion or two. People are really fucking weird about that on the radio these days, like expressing emotion will mean less Geico insurance will be sold.

Yay, Maroon 5! I?ll be waiting for your next record in, like, 2008.
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or as the Spanish would say, "definidamente no separados al nacimiento."

epoch-defining, belt-as-guitar-strap-using punk rock icon of a coolness almost frightening, Hugh Cornwell of The Stranglers and...

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...famous for 15 minutes in 1994 uber-dillweed who stagedove on me and broke my cigarette Evan Dando

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New super hot StrapOn Barbie from Kenner with optional uber-lesbian lovepal and...

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...evil, dickless, turpentine-pissing sucker of Satan's hind teat and frequent practitioner of infant frotage, V.P. Dick Chaney

Chiselled, charismatic and orangish failed ubermusician Bobby Lightfoot and...

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...twisted physics genius and ex-media darling Stephen Hawking

Jesus Christ, I am fucking this up today. The resemblance is actually uncanny. Posted by Hello

hey, would it be okay if we talked about King Radio's "Are You The Sick Passenger"?

there's this band called king radio from here (Northampton, MA) that is good and lovely and wonderful. The obvious rallying point for this gang is early-to-mid-freak out-Brian-Wilson and '60's ambitio-pop but there's so, so much more. i heard their record "Are You The Sick Passenger" (spirithouse records- available nationally) and bugged leader Frank Padellaro until he let me join the touring band. I didn't play on this record though, so I'm allowed to prattle on in porno detail about it.

I did wind up in a van with them late last summer fer a spell in the South and Midwest and encouraged a couple of them to get their heads bad on the local devil's weed and break a couple of smallish motel fixtures. They are a brilliant and ragtag motley of loveable geeks and i am a bit of a sore thumb amongst them with my own rock past leaning more towards striking radio programmers and lots and lots of drugz 'n' booze and years with my head on the curbs of the streets of N. Hollywood. Frank is a road dog in the tradition of yours truly, and at the wheel of their red Ford van he will devour a thousand miles the way my ten year-old devours Skittles. One after another after another, until yea, a thousand are gone, gone, gone.

"Are You The Sick Passenger", near as I can tell, was baked in a kitchen inhabited by several fine cooks. Padellaro is the singer, writer and guitarist, the leader and rallying point. The producer of the record is a mysterious figure named Peter Baldwin who isn't really in the band but is obviously a master of pop craft and one of the most tasteful and in-the-pocket bass players I've heard since Colin Moulding of XTC. I kid you the fuck not; there's no resemblance stylistically, since Baldwin's tone of choice is that rubberbandy flat wound Californian Carol Kaye plunk, but there is a similar singularity of deployment. And even more crucially, non-deployment- Baldwin's preoccupation with negative space informs not only the bass but all of the arrangements. When I play bass for these guys I play it as absolutely note-for-note like the record as possible and that's saying something 'cause I happen to be king hell on that axe, you know what I'm saying?

A crucial part of the instrumental side of things seems to be Ken Maiuri (sp?), a keyboard stylist who tickles the various Wurlitzers and Hammonds of the Padellaro arsenal. Ken is a multi-instrumentalist who is also Pedro The Lion’s permanent drummer, but on "Sick Passenger" he is definitely the ultimate keys man. And this is saying something because the record is a house built on a foundation of electric piano, organ, Chamberlin, Mellotron, Synclavier (just kidding) and all manner of keyed instruments. When I play keyboards live for these guys I blah...blah...blah...see above. Ken has some really left-field influences, 60's educational music and the Free Design and all this wack shit that is so beyond dispute it makes the Velvet Underground look like The Spice Girls. He squeezes some very unique tones out of these classic instruments, creating horror-movie moments that sit comfortably against rich, Zombies-ish exclamations.

Fourth in this triumvirate (hee) is the not inconsiderably talented Dave Trenholm, another multi-instrumentalist who specializes in electric guitar, vocals and flute. Or so I thought until I saw him play sax with the Slow Band and he just about peeled the paint off the walls at Harry's. Holy fuck. I'd known him for a while and had no idea- it was like turning on the T.V. and seeing some dude you play softball with standing at a blackboard and explaining how he solved Unified Field Theory with a matchbook and a condom. I thought my ass was going to fall off. One firm, athletic buttock did swing free for a moment but I was able to clench it back into place until a needle and thread became available.

Dave is responsible for the string and orchestral arrangements for "Sick Passenger" and has done some really sick work here. His arrangements are in turn dramatic, whimsical, romantic, cerebral and full of a cut-it-with-a-knife-pathos that defines the record. I didn't know that people still did this; Dave's artistry in these arrangements makes me a little queasy about who we have chosen as our musical idols (like I wasn't already).

If you have read any of my other musings on music, you know I am a great fan of a tightly adhered-to esthetic. "Passenger" succeeds in this amazingly, a feat that I suspect owes the most credit to the Wizard-of-Oz-like Baldwin. The way he approaches the bass lines sounds like he wrote a single one and bent it just slightly to fit each song, so consistent is the thing he seeks to put across. The gestalt of the bass is this syncopated, mixed-way-up ultra precision that sounds classic and even employs a Tina Weymouth-like New Wave gallop during the choruses of the track "Meet The Maker" that is bananas, to quote Jay Z.

There is such a love of music between the grooves of this record that it's like watching someone else's make out session from a bedroom closet. There are nods to Esquivel, to 60's commercial music, to systems music, to the Brill Building and the Wrecking Crew, to Marvin Hamlisch and great movie soundtracks. King Radio avoided pastiche, however, by a) using very muscular, un-60's drum tones, b) Padellaro's unique and arch choirboy falsetto, c) a drum/bass esthetic that is unique, satisfying and innovative, and d) having the record mixed by the brilliant Mitch Easter among other things. Easter's luscious mix is brilliant given the amount of ingredients with which he had to cook his soup, and employs only real reverbs that lend the affair an elegant, undigital spaciousness and sweetness of soundstage. Also important is the consistent use of orchestra bells to play up melodies and countermelodies, and to double guitar and vocal phrases. It give "Passenger" yet another unique calling card.

This type of music can tend to ramble, to hold itself above such commercial pursuits as being consistent in tone and tight in structure, and most importantly, to be done by pussies who are afraid of putting across emotion or hanging their own stylistic tendencies out in front of their influences. Personally, I love a tight ship. Don't get me wrong- I'd just as soon be zonked on all manner of narcotics when building it, but I like it tight. "Passenger" is so tight it pisses mist in the words of someone I once dug a ditch next to. "Passenger" is emotional. Sometimes, as in the lead-off track "Introduction" or the pretty "Dead And Gone", achingly so. Emotional is good. If you want to find out what happens to music when it is helmed by pussies who are afraid of it, turn on commercial radio. Or some fly hip hop.

This record has been reviewed in some very heavy-hitting rags, but each time the reviewer has taken the easy way out and not done it justice. King Radio are so much more than neat pasticheurs and retromaniacs. I would go so far as to call them originals. Sure, most of the influences are pre-1980 but that’s really just because music was a lot better pre-1980. That's not their fault; it's a simple fact. Padellaro's vocal mastery has gone largely unremarked as has the fact that the arrangements are of mind-numbing quality. No reviewer has even listened hard enough to remark on what is clearly the beating heart of this body of songs- the astonishing bass work. We’re talking Revolver-astonishing. Yeah, I know. My own bass work these days is as Baldwin-inspired as it ever was McCartney-inspired. He makes me feel like such a wanking Jaco.

"Are You The Sick Passenger" reminds me of everyone and no one; the skill with which the tones and production approaches of the classics are borrowed and wed to a unique and innovative esthetic is seamless. I'm so grateful to hear some music that doesn't underestimate me as a listener. I think that’s the biggest reason I love King Radio so much.

Oh- the drummer, Paul Peles is kooky awesome. He is so about the arrangements onstage; it is most undrummerlike. He is also shorts-wetting funny and you don’t want to have a mouthful of soda when he's fixing to say something.

And that's my review of King Radio's "Are You The Sick Passenger". Thank you, and good night.
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why i like this white/on black blog format

'cause if you read three or four paragraphs of text and then look away you'll see this weird mirage of blurry black lines in front of your eyes that is phucked.

if you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife

George Washington kicked British ass, liberated the Colonies, founded our glorious nation and recorded 3 hip hop albums. This is what awaited him in the Presidential Boudoir. Posted by Hello

JFK drank hiballs and played raquetball. His wife? Hot. Posted by Hello

Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, presided over our bloodiest war and wrote the Gettysburg Address. Meet the missus. Posted by Hello

Grover Cleveland didn't do jack.

I give you Mrs. Cleveland. Grrrrr.

Are we starting to grasp the concept? Posted by Hello

Definitely Not Separated At Birth

Check it out, kiddies- Spy Magazine started the rage in the '90's and this is Bobby Lightfoot's yucksome variation--------

i'm too stupid to lay this out the right way so make sure you read downwards like in the olden days, and let's not let my idiocy get in the way of some larfs! I never do! In fact, I really on it! I mean, rely on it!

the best thing about Separated At Birth is that it was the first place I ever saw "uber-" used as a prefix, so I'll be sure and use "uber-" on at least every other hilarious pair!

Anyway, I give you...

brilliant, seminal African American thinker and writer W.E.B. Dubois and...

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the perky pillowbiters from "Queer Eye".

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hideous, nightmarish uber-c*nt Phyllis Diller and...

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Elizabethan poet and dramatist, Christopher Marlowe.

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'80s uber-wuss Corey Feldman and...

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and now, let us slide seamlessly into...;Posted by Hello


the many ironies of rock activism, part 1

saved chunk of rainforest the size of New Jersey. Posted by Hello

never did a thing. Posted by Hello