Classifieds

FAILED ARTIST sought by bakery to
sample our new line of brownies. 75K/yr.
and full benefits. Work from home.

MAJOR ENTERTAINMENT CONGLOMERATE
seeks bitter, balding, musically hyper-competent
42-yr. or oldr to compose and produce
scathing indictments of us. Don't bore us, don't
get to the chorus, full orchestra arrangements preferred.
Salary commensurate with disgust.

HYDROPONICS GURU! The fall '07 Willie Nelson
And Friends Tour Needs YOU! Guitar-stringing ab-
ility a plus but will train the right person! 2K a week,
benefits include free RX.

STAFF WRITER POSITION available with Cynical
Motherfucker Magazine. Special knowledge in music
and politics a plus! Unbroken need not apply! Planning
Autumn 5-mag arc "The Genius Of Avril Lavigne". Fax
writing samples (300,000 words plus preferred, with
illustrations) to XXX XXXX.

DOKKEN REFORMING FOR '08 TOUR '80's metal
monsters seek freak energy bassist with hammer-on skills,
to-die-for cheekbones and largeish cock. But not larger than
Don's. Payment rendered in cocaine; hair ex-
tensions mandatory. No neat freaks, no Christians,
Don XXX XXXX between 2 and 5 AM. Leave message after
intro to "Hell's Bells".

STABLE BOY required at Chatterley Meadows Ladies Riding
Academy. Some heavy lifting. Multitasking self-starter with
stick-to-it-iveness. $5.50/hr., no benefits. Cruella XXX XXXX.