I Knew This Fuckin' Guy

I knew this fuckin' guy who had this hip problem and had to get some fuckin' surgery. Fucker comes to in his hospital bed afterwards and not only is his hip fuckin' good as gold, he's pitched this ungodly tent that's like a god damn foot high.

Seems when they went in to repair some artery or some shit to increase th' blood flow they also inadvertently enlarged the bone supply artery if you get my drift.

So th' nurse comes in to check on the fuckin' guy and there he is with this Collosus Of Rhodes and she of course flips and you know the rest. And then this.

So, check it- I knew this other fuckin' guy. Same thing, man. So he goes in for th' surgery on his hip and next thing you know he wakes up post op and he suddenly knows all this shit, like Unified Field Theory and crap.

So he solves Global Warming and he gets laid CONSTANTLY.

Then there was this fuckin' dude in Delaware. You guessed it- fuckin' hip problem. Goes in for X-rays and they're like, "yeah, your hip's sort of fucked up, but GUESS WHAT?"

Turns out there's a picture of the fuckin' Virgin Mary on his hip and when they take the fucker out up it goes on EBAY faster'n you can say Peter I can see your house from here. How much you think he makes?

I'll fucking tell you, citizen. He makes six million dollars. AND SINCE HE'S RICH NOW HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY A FUCKING CENT IN TAXES.

OH, YOU THINK I'M DONE?

There's this guy- I KNOW this guy. Lives in fucking Ware. Had this blood supply shit going on with his hip. So they drill in and fix that shit and they give him some bone from some dead fucker. Guess who?

Guy is higher than a bat's ass FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. Without spending a DIME.

Way I see it, next fucker's going to end up with a HUGE FUCKING CAWK, A 250 IQ, 10 MILLION DOLLARS AND A SWEET BUZZ FOR FUCKING LIFE.

And I'll still be sitting here typing away and praying they use my fucking song on Fear Factor so I can net a couple hundred. Fuck.

Some Fine News

Yeh, I did some more puff-piece-ing of King Radio during Th' Bobby Lightfoot Week Of Beauty. I catastrophized them into th' grave. I was WRONG! Yes!

I have since recieved a missive from King Radio's Stuhrmbahnfuehrer Frank Padellaro that runs thus:

not dead. sleeping. give me a ring some time you knucklehead. we're going to mix with Mitch in the fall and I'm still hoping for some input from you.

Nice. Beautiful. King Radio lives. As far as my feedback, um, how about "dude, that sounds tits"?

Frank gave me a bunch of roughs last fall and I was going to pull out some loops and shit and turn one into a dope-ass gangsta crunge jam but I always run out of time now.

With Billy Preston gone the continued existence of King Radio is more important than ever.

Excuses, Excuses.

Yeah, big absence here. Who fuckin' cares? I've been either tired, busy, high or all three. Mea maxima. I'm going to sleep like th' fucking dead tonight so if I don't get around to saying some shit nobody gives a fuck about let me just summarize my position on today's hot topics:

Issue: Haditha

Commentary:Boy is that some shocking crap right there. Hoo boy. See, usually war is so nice and civil and Iraq so far has been a textbook case of not fucking up civilians. That's what makes this all th' more tragic. Yeah, I'm so shocked and dismayed. That shit wasn't like a First Person Shooter atall. You wouldn't think this sort of thing would happen when you take 18-year olds and teach them to kill people and blow shit up and then give 'em multiple tours of duty and deal with their fatigue by pillin' 'em more full of speed than a fucking long haul trucker.

The solution I propose: Hang Rumsfeld by his fucking scrote. Ditto everyone in th' gov't above the position of fluffer. Fuck 'em all.

Also all CEO's. They're SO in on this shit. Especially that craphandler over at Exxon. Let's pour acid up his ass and see if it makes it all th' way through. He's pretty much personally responsible for all he tragedy in the fucking world. Lee Raymond. Feckless cunt.

Issue: Th' latest round of vote-wranglin' with gay marriage and that.

Commentary: Yeah, this isn't transparent of Bush at all. No sir. It's like th' brilliant glory days of Rove strategizing are back all over again. See, I don't hate stupid right wing cunts because they're stupid right wing cunts. I hate them because they fall for this shit over and over and over and make my country suck because of it.

And because they're stupid right wing cunts.

Th' solution that I propose: Let's get th' homophobes to confront their latent fear of gayness once and for all. At th' business end of drifter schlong. Drifter schlong. Think of the jobs it'll create. And ultimately, with solid aversion therapy, I suspect we'll observe conditions that don't ultimately indicate aversion at all. Quite the contrary, citizens.

Drifter Schlong. Saw 'em on the '98 tour. Good concerts that year. I think that was th' year I saw Hole opening for Tool.

Issue: Billy Preston dying.

Commentary: This is fucked. Guy was like 59. Too bad he didn't have th' voodoo shit working for him like that fat ass shit head child skull fucking waste of skin scumbag fuck Cheney. Jesus, Cheney couldn't play a fucking rolling third on a Rhodes if you dangled fresh infant flesh in front of him. I hate him so much it makes my fucking dick shrivel. Even more.

Th' Solution That I Propose: When the arc of universe swings towards injustice, well, I just don't know what to tell you. I'll be toasting Billy often and well from th' Soulfinger stage. We do some of his shit.

Look, I try to stay away from my blog when all I want to do is spew hatred and rage. Obviously I've failed this time. Maybe I'll fucking try again tomorrow. Maybe fucking not. Oh, the fucking confusion. The trying to do the right thing and feeling like a fucking chump. You guys get rewarded for playin' ball honestly? I gotta say, sometimes I feel like I'm Bill Frist's asshole and the universe is Cheney's dingler. Fucking Christ.